jenn's journey

Almost To 100!

2011-06-02T20:23:00.000-04:00

I can not believe that I can say that! I still have a few pounds to go, but I am almost there.

Yay!

Can't Do It

2011-05-15T21:39:00.000-04:00

I just wrote a post, but I can't find it in my heart to post it.

And that makes me sad.

It was all about this journey I am on, and how proud I am of myself, but I don't want nosy eyes reading it.

I used to love to blog...now, I have to censor myself, and that flat out sucks.

So, if you want to read my post, I will be happy to message it to you on Facebook.

I just can't post it here.

I wish people would just leave me alone, and let me live my own life.

I mean, enough already.

Changes

2011-04-18T19:34:00.000-04:00

I have always feared change. I am a creature of habit...I love my routines.

Lately, my life has been anything but routine. I have changed so much, and I am finding that I love the new me.

I am so happy.

For the past 16 years, I have lived for my family. They were my everything. I didn't have many friends, and none were close friends. I guess you could say I had acquaintances. These days, I have friends. Friends who love me for me, and who are helping me so much as I figure out where I am meant to be at this point in my life. My family has been amazing as well. I don't know if I would have made it through the past two months without their help and support.

I am truly blessed.

I have realized that there are people I can depend on, and people I can't.

I have confidence, and not only because I have lost weight, but because I like who I am now. On the inside as well as the outside.

I realized that being a single mom is hard. Really hard.

But I can do it. I am doing it. Sure, I have to depend on people to help me, and as I said, I am lucky to have people I can depend on.

My kids are still my life. I live for them. I work for them. I do everything I can for them.

But I have also learned that I need to do things for myself as well. I am not to the point where I want to date, but it's nice knowing that I will have that option. It's nice having friends I can go out to the bar with every once in a while to listen to some music and just hang out.

I can't believe how much I love driving, and it kills me that I waited almost 40 years to do it. I can't help but think about how different my life would have turned out if I learned to drive when I was a teenager. I wonder if it would have made a difference in my marriage?

Probably not.

I am counting down the months until I can get my divorce. There is, obviously, no chance of a reconciliation, and I want to get on with my life. I hate that I have to wait a year, but at least it gives me something to look forward to.

I probably won't be blogging for a while, with the move and all coming up. I have been slack with it anyway, and the paid offers are few and far between these days. I guess that's what happens when you stop networking. My numbers are horrible, and I don't even really care anymore.

I have more important things going on now...

As Of This Morning...

2011-03-24T21:40:00.000-04:00

I have lost a total of 72 pounds. I can not believe it!

I am trying so hard to lose another 50 more, and then I will be where I want to be. It's easier now to see that it might be possible since I am already more than halfway to my goal.

Go me!

Life

2011-03-20T12:08:00.000-04:00

I have been having a hard time finding time to sit down and blog lately. It's funny, really. I used to do nothing but blog, and now, I am doing so much, I'm hardly blogging at all. I do my paid posts, because I really need that money right now, but writing about what is going on in my life right now holds no interest for me. I'm craving privacy right now.

I can say that I am still swimming, and it is really making a difference in my appearance. I need to take some pictures, because I am looking good. Seriously. As I've said before, I am not lacking confidence these days. My best friend made me go and have my eyebrows waxed yesterday, which was a first for me. Can you say ouch? I was such a wimp, but I do look better now. She keeps saying that she needs to "fix" me, which I think is pretty funny because I didn't realize I was broken.

I made a decision about moving, and it is probably going to happen sooner rather than later. As soon as I get my license, I will move to my moms and just drive the kids to school for the rest of the year. The thought of packing up my house sends me into a state of panic, but I know I need to get started. I plan on getting some boxes tomorrow. Tuesday I have a million things to do, including a meeting with Ryan's counselor at school to discuss his last few years in high school. That's going to be fun.

For now, I am going to my dad's house to celebrate March birthdays.

A Rough Night

2011-03-08T19:55:00.000-05:00

Tonight, Kasi had a concert. We went as a family, and it was soooo hard on me. As hard as I try, there are still things that upset me, and sitting in the audience, knowing that this is how it is going to be from now on, was more than I could take. I don't want to have to split the things the kids do...I just need time, and I think that is hard for some people to understand. Even though I do not want in any way to reconcile with my husband, I am mourning the loss of my marriage. It is not an easy thing, no matter how upbeat I sound all the time.

I also have a horrible habit of speaking what is on my mind without really thinking. I have got to stop doing that. I find myself continuously apologizing, and it's making me crazy. I told Bob today that I think I might need to go see my doctor to get some type of nerve pills or something.

Either that, or I need to learn how to make margaritas at home.

She Let Herself Go

2011-03-06T21:43:00.001-05:00

There is this country song that talks about a woman whose husband left, so she let herself go....she let herself do all the things her husband held her back from doing. I think George Straight sings it, but I'm not sure.

I feel like that woman.

I have been doing so many new things, it's crazy. Most of you know that I am now driving, though I can only drive with someone for now since I only have my permit. I have always said that I was afraid to drive, but let me tell you, I am loving it! I am good at it, too. My friend Donna has been letting me drive everywhere...I even tackled merging onto the interstate, something I was terrified to do.

I went out, too. My same friend's brother took us out to eat at a steakhouse (something Bob and I could never afford) and then for drinks at a bar where we listened to a band and I laughed like crazy. Seriously, I can not remember the last time I had so much fun with adults.

I have been swimming every day at a local pool. I go with Donna every morning once the kids get on the bus, and spend an hour or two doing laps. We started last Wednesday, and I can already tell that I am toning up a little. My legs are a little more flexible, and my pants are a bit loser. I am sure it has nothing to do with the almost 20 pounds I have lost recently. :)

Oh, I have been wearing makeup, too. This is something I haven't done the entire time I was married. (well, I guess I am still technically married...what the hell am I supposed to call him...I'm still a little fuzzy about that) I am actually taking pride in my appearance, and people are noticing. I like that people notice. It makes me feel good.

The kids and I are going to continue seeing Elizabeth. Last week, she spoke to the kids alone for the first time, and I will find out tomorrow what she thinks. During our session last week, I asked her how much it will cost for us to come, since Bob was going through a free clinic, and I'm not covered to go alone. She made me cry when she told me that she would see us for a long as we wanted and not charge us anything. She said she loves us all, and is more interested in us getting better than making money. I seriously love this woman. I am looking forward to tomorrows session.

For this week, though, I have got to concentrate on finding a job. Not one place that I applied to has called yet, and I have to do something. Any ideas????

I Went To Therapy Today

2011-02-21T23:27:00.000-05:00

This morning, I called our therapist, to tell her what happened. She asked me to come in, and I did. As I was signing in, I saw the last sign in slip, and it had Bob's name on it.

Of course, I knew Elizabeth couldn't tell me anything, but when we got in the room, I told her I saw the slip and asked if he had been in. She said he had, and that he gave her permission to tell me everything they had talked about, with the exception of where he is. As much as it hurt to hear her tell me what he's thinking, I felt so much better knowing. I think it was easier for him to talk to her than to me, so by giving her permission to tell me, he found a way to let me know what's going on.

I don't want to get into specifics, but I now know that there is no way to fix my marriage. It's over. Elizabeth cried with me, and said she cried with him as well. I was so proud of him for going to see her and talking things out with her. I was able to get a message to him, through her, that I am not angry with him, and that I don't want to fight. I want to make things as right as they can be, with him seeing the kids as much as he can. Fortunately, she was able to reach him, and when he called tonight to tell the kids goodnight, we talked as well for a while. I needed him to know that I am not going to go all crazy and show up at his work and harass him. I needed him to know that I only want what is best for him, even if that means being away from me. It was a good conversation, and we actually made some progress towards how the next few months will go until the school year ends. At that time, I will move in with my mom. The kids will have to change school districts, and I know it will be hard, but we will survive. I am going to get my license and a job, and stand on my own two feet for the first time in my life.

Scary? Hell yeah. I am terrified. Will I be okay? Hell yeah. I see my future, and even though it's not the forever I thought I would have with my husband, it is going to be an awesome future none the less.

Or at least that is what I keep telling myself.

My Heart Is Broken

2011-02-20T23:31:00.000-05:00

I can't sleep. I'm not sure if I'll ever sleep again. I know my life is not over simply because my husband left me, but it sure feels like it right now. I am so sad...my heart is broken. Not just for myself either. My heart breaks for my kids.

I will never be one of those women who bad mouth their ex's. Bob is an amazing dad, and my kids adore him. I don't want that to change. I don't want anything to change, but apparently that isn't my decision to make.

He says he doesn't love me anymore...how can you fix that?

I Lost 9 Pounds This Week

2011-02-15T21:13:00.000-05:00

That's right...9 pounds in one week. Awesome, right?

It would be if I didn't do it by catching the flu. I have been miserable since last Wednesday. I find it hard to eat when I can not breathe through my nose, so I just haven't been eating.

I am just hoping that once I get to eating right again, I can keep it off.

On the plus side, my husband was diagnosed yesterday with diabetes. Not that that in and of itself is a good thing...the new way of eating is going to be a great thing. I am learning so much about portion size and better eating, and I am excited to make this a permanent way of life for all of us.

Any tips about diabetes I need to know?

A Tiring Session

2011-02-01T20:21:00.000-05:00

I hate getting upset in therapy. I hate getting upset, period. I am always exhausted after a good crying session, and right now I can barely keep my eyes open. The good thing is, Bob and I worked on some stuff that has been bothering me, and we are in a better place now, I think.

Bob is going to see our family doctor soon to be tested for diabetes. Our therapist is concerned about it, so we agreed to have him tested. She thinks that could be contributing to his sleeplessness and emotional state. Part of me is hoping she is right, because if she is, we can control it.

I am trying so hard to be supportive, because I know he is going through a hard time. I hate that some days I just want him to be happy. I just want him to not mope around. I want him to laugh. Or smile. Or something other than the depression. Some days, I don't want to have to watch every word that comes out of my mouth because I am afraid of upsetting him more.

It's hard watching the one you love hurt, but it's also exhausting. It's tough always being the strong one.

Wiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!

2011-01-18T23:29:00.000-05:00

So....I love the wii fit. LOVE IT! I have been doing it pretty regularly, and I have lost almost a pound. I know...it's not much, but it's a start. I gained a little, about seven pounds, between Thanksgiving and New Years, so I am working really hard to lose that. I am also making an effort to eat a little better, and as soon as we get back into a routine around here, I am going to start dieting. I don't remember if I mentioned this anywhere...maybe on FB...but they did away with Bob's position at work. That means no more set hours, no more weekends off. He will go back to working different hours all the time, and he's kind of stressing about it. I think it will be a good thing. Right now, as much as I like him being home in the evenings and weekends, we never have time for just us. With these new hours, we may actually have more time to spend together, which is going to be nice.

Anyway, back to the wii fit. I have been trying to do different things every day, but the one think I always do is the step routine. I do it for thirty minutes, and then spend another thirty minutes boxing, or doing kung fu...oh, and they have this obstacle course that is kicking my ass, but I love it! I am usually dripping with sweat by the time I finish, which is great. There is actually a site dedicated to moms who are losing weight with the wii, and I think I might join in on some of the forums and see what other moms are saying. I have a hard time putting myself out there, though, which is shocking, right, since I have so many blogs....but it's the one on one that I have problems with. I want to stay motivated, though, and finally get some of this weight off. Losing the 50 pounds over a year ago and keeping it off is a huge accomplishment for me. It tells me that I am finally learning how to keep it off instead of gaining it all, plus some, back. So, I am encouraged that if I lose more, I will be able to keep that off too. Fingers crossed, right?

I have also been having issues with my dang wisdom tooth again. This time, though, I have decided to go have it pulled. We have already filed our taxes, and our money should be in within the next two weeks, so I will finally have the money to have it removed. Now I just need the guts to do it. I am such a chicken. Plus, I know any dentist who looks in my mouth will know it's been many, many years since the last time I've been. I don't want to be judged, I just want to be pain free.

We didn't end up going to therapy last week because of the snow, but we did go today. Elizabeth asked Bob how he was doing since his dad's death, and to be honest, he's been okay. He had a moment Sunday when he got upset, and I knew that something was bothering him. Turns out, it was my dad and his friend Duane's dad. Let me back up...Friday night, I was on facebook, when all of a sudden my computer was attacked, and when all was said and done, I could not get on the internet. I called my dad for help, and he told me to run scans and stuff, but nothing worked. So Saturday morning, he called and asked if I wanted him to come look at it. Of course I said yes, and within thirty minutes he had me back online. My dad rocks. Then later that afternoon, he went to help his friend do something for his dad, and seeing them interact, on top of seeing my dad come and rescue me, upset him because he never had that kind of relationship with his dad, and now he never has the opportunity to. I told him that he can't change the past, but he can continue his awesome relationship with Ryan, and know that there will never be a day when Ryan feels about him how he feels about his dad. Make sense?

But, other than that, he has been doing really well. And I think I have rambled enough. Time to go check facebook and then call it a night. Hope you all had a good one.

Life Goes On...

2011-01-07T22:32:00.000-05:00

Even in the winter, the ducks like to be fed. In fact, they pretty much surrounded us and gobbled up three loaves of bread in about ten minutes.

Life is slowly going back to normal, whatever that may be. Bob (formerly Junior...long story) has gone two days without breaking down, though tonight I have no idea where he is. He said he needed time to himself, so he went for a drive. Since we are not a cell phone family, I have no way of getting in touch with him, so I am sitting here waiting for him to come home. I think this time alone will help him to clear his head.

The two of us went and had a nice afternoon date today, which consisted of eating at a restaurant where they serve you at a table instead of a buffet line. It's hard to go to place like this with the kids because they are expensive. It cost us $45 for the two of us to share an appetizer sampler plate and each get a meal. I had two mini burgers and a trip to the salad bar, which was yummo! I ended up bringing home most of my burgers and fries, as well as the appetizers. I ate all the salad though. They had the best pumpernickel croutons, too. Spending that much was kind of wasteful, but it was nice to sit and talk with my husband without the kids. We never get to do that.

I will be happy when he finally goes back to work next week. I think it will be good for him to get back to his normal routine. We are going to therapy again on Tuesday. Elizabeth thinks going every week for a little while will help Bob sort through all his feelings, and I agree. I'm hoping he can move through the grief process and come out the other side in tact.

So, I guess it's time to talk about me. You all know how much I love to do that, lol! I have been doing the wii fit pretty regularly, though this past week was rough with Bob here all the time. He hates when I do it...he thinks the music is annoying. I haven't weighed myself, though, to see if I've lost any weight. I need to do that without the kids around, so maybe one day next week I will. They are predicting snow again Sunday night, so they may be home again on Monday. Anyway, I am loving the games on the wii fit, and am finding myself playing for an hour before I know it. I love exercise programs like that, where I don't even realize I am exercising, even though there is sweat dripping down my back. I have a feeling that this is the thing I have been looking for to get me back to losing weight.

Well, Bob just came in, so let me get off of here. Night.

I Usually Rock The Obligatory End Of The Year Post...

2010-12-30T23:48:00.000-05:00

...but this year, it's just not in me. To be honest, not much noteworthy has happened this year. (I say that now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring) The kids are one year older. Junior is another year older. I am still the same age. :)

I am happy to announce that a week after Christmas, I can say that I have kept my weight off all year. I am carrying a few pounds from the holidays, but nothing I am going to stress over. I have been doing the wii fit, which I love, and I plan on continuing with that. I don't want to say I am making a resolution, but this year, I would like to lose another 50 pounds. That would bring my total to 100 pounds lost. I am not going to stress over it, but I am going to try and eat healthier. And play the wii.

I think those of you who actually read this blog know that my husband's father is dying. From what we have heard, he only has days left. Junior is upset, of course. As much as he distanced himself from the man over the last few years, he is still his father. I am glad that we are still in therapy, and that Junior has someone to talk to about this. I would have loved for him to have made amends with the man, but that was not to be. I hope that this new year will bring peace to my husband. He deserves it.

Life will go on...I can't believe I will be, ahem, 39 in February. I know, it's hard to believe. And that means that the year after that, I am going to be...um...I can't even type it! I am not that old!

So, I am going to thank God for my little family. For my parents and siblings, and their families. For the fact that my family is close, and that we can always count on each other.

As I say goodbye to 2010, I am looking forward to 2011. I hope it is a year full of happiness and love, in my home as well as yours.

Today, My Daughter Told Me I Neglet Her....Yeah, Right!

2010-12-19T22:43:00.000-05:00

Tonight, Brandi told me that I am neglecting her. I find this quite amusing, actually. You see, every night for the past few weeks, the kids and I have played a game of Clue. I have been baking cookies with them, watching movies with them, and pretty much just hanging out with them.

Have I been busy? Yes, I have. Between dropping ecards, writing paid posts, networking and writing reviews, I have been swamped. I have been staying up late, then sleeping in after the kids get back on the bus. The only problem with this is that I have to "work" when the kids do homework, and in the evenings, and Brandi doesn't like it. So, for the next two weeks while the kids are out of school, I am going to have to try and find a way to balance the time I work and the time I spend with the kids.

Junior is off for vacation the week between Christmas and new years, so not only will I have the kids home, he will be home too. I am hoping we can spend some family time together...he kids want to head up to the mountains one day, and I'm really hoping we will have the money to do that.

So, if you don't hear from me (on this blog) until the new year, I hope you all have a safe and happy holiday season.

Merry Christmas!

I'm Coming Out Of My Shell

2010-12-06T23:43:00.000-05:00

If you have been reading my blogs for any length of time, you know that I am an extremely shy, would rather stay in my house 24 hours a day and never deal with people type of person. I always thought it was because of my weight, but I recently discovered that it had more to do with my boobs. Sure, my weight and my boobs kind of go together...they were so big because I was so big.

Let's go back for a moment. Growing up, I was always the bigger sister. I have a sister who is 14 months older than me, so I was always half a step behind her growing up. She was thin and popular; I was not. I could go on and on about things that were unfair (the biggest to me was that she got her own room, and I had to share with my two younger sisters who were 6 and 8 years younger than me...and I was 15 at the time) but I won't. My point is that she got all the boyfriends, and she made sure that I didn't. If I showed even the slightest interest in a guy, she would make sure he liked her, not me. I think always being "second" fucked with my self esteem a little. Okay, a lot.

Anyway, I was wearing a "C" cup by the time I was in 8th grade, and the boys noticed. They would make fun of me all the time. I remember going through a phase where I didn't care how I looked...I didn't want any attention at all. I wanted to blend in. I wanted to not be noticed. I got pretty good at being the wall flower. Looking back, I think there might have been times when I was really depressed. I remember one summer I did nothing but sit in my room and read. Book after book.

I didn't kiss a boy until I was 17, I think. I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 18. In fact, I can count on one hand the number of guys I have gone all the way with. I was almost 19 my first time. God, I loved that guy. It took a while for me to believe that he loved me, because I spend so many years thinking I was not attractive enough, or pretty enough, to be loved by someone. Can you say issues????

I think I am getting a little off track. The point of this post is that last night, I didn't have my guard up. I was relaxed, and I had fun. I participated in conversations, and let people in. I ate (which I hate to do in front of people...I always think they are judging me) and laughed, and enjoyed spending time with my husband. Now that I think about it, this is the first time we have gotten rid of the kids and done something for ourselves, just for fun. We never have extra money, so we usually just hang out at home, which is fine with me. But it was nice to get out and have fun. I didn't let my weight hinder me. I'm not sure if I would have felt the same way before my breast reduction. I really do think that having that done was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

Ugggg...I ended up rambling. Sorry. Sometimes my fingers end up with a mind of their own. Not sure if I made a point at all, but oh well. At least you got a glimpse into my weird little head.

Scary, right????

Peace. It's A Wonderful Feeling

2010-12-02T23:50:00.000-05:00

For the first time in I can not tell you how long, my husband has been able to let his guard down at work. We recently found out that his dad is now living in a nursing home about an hour away, so there is no possibility of him popping up in the store anymore making Junior's life miserable.

My mom has halted all construction in her kitchen (which is almost done anyway) until after Christmas, so we have our weekends back. Of course, we have two Saturday's of baking scheduled, and this weekend is Brandi's birthday, so we still have things going on. BUT, they are things that don't involve too much manual labor for my husband, so that makes him happy.

I guess that's about it. Things are quiet around here. We like it that way.

Karma. She's A Bitch, Ya Know

2010-11-22T02:17:00.000-05:00

I am a firm believer in the "do unto others" rule. I spent my early marriage days drilling that into my husband's head, who was brought up believing "do whatever gets you what you want".

I find comfort in knowing that both Bob (that's what we call Junior these days...long story) and I have lived most of our married life this way. We treat the people we love with respect. We do things for them, without expecting anything in return. That was how I was raised. This is how we are raising our kids. Good deeds don't come with a price tag, or expectations of anything in return.

So, as you live your life, remember that if you treat the people around you like crap, in the end, you end up all alone, with only your dirty diapers keeping you company.

And that just might be exactly what you deserve.

Sometimes

2010-11-11T14:11:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, the things you think you buried have a way of rising up again.

Sometimes, the things you thought you protected yourself from can come up and bite you on the ass while you're not even looking.

Sometimes, an innocent question from a friend can change your world in an instant.

Sometimes, even I don't know how to offer the comfort needed.

Sometimes, choosing to be alone is not the right answer.

Sometimes, it's better to let it all go, and move on.

Sometimes, I wish I could magically take away all the pain, and give my husband the childhood he deserved, instead of the one he had to live through.

And then there are days, like today, where I am proud to be married to such a strong, wonderful man, who can overcome all the hate and abuse, and be the better person.

Tomorrow....

2010-11-05T20:43:00.002-04:00

...is Ryan's 15th birthday. I seriously can not believe it has been so many years since they place my sweet boy in my arms and I became a mother. That's all I ever really wanted to be, and I am so glad that God no only blessed me with him, but with his sisters as well. I remember when I found out I was pregnant with him...I so hoped that he would be a girl. I never imagined I'd have a son. Whenever I thought of having kids when I was younger, I just assumed I would have daughters. I am so glad that God knew better than me and He gave me Ryan.

I can not describe my love for him...it's different than my love for my girls, if that makes any sense. I love that he teases me...and that I now have to look up to look him in the eyes. Seriously, he's a good five inches taller than me now. When did THAT happen? I love that he wants to do everything with his dad, and learn everything his dad knows. They are seriously stuck together like glue, and I love that. I know a lot of 15 year old boys who want nothing to do with their parents. I love that he talks to me about everything, even the stuff I don't want to know about. He knows I'm his friend, but he also respects me as his mother. And I think that is important.

I was in labor with him for 36 hours before they finally cut him out of me. He was also 12 days late. I guess if he had his way, he'd still be in there, because he sure as heck didn't want to come out. I was so tired when they finally did the section (he was born at 8:21 pm) that I don't remember holding him until the next morning. They say I did hold him, and that I asked for him to be taken away because I was afraid I would drop him. I don't remember any of that. I do remember, though, that next morning when they finally brought him to me, that he was the most beautiful baby in the world. He weighed 8lbs 13oz at birth, and the nurses all called him monkey. I never knew I could love someone as much as I loved that baby at that moment. Sure, I love my husband, but I think a mother's love is more protective and primal, if that makes any sense.

Anyway, tomorrow, my baby is one year closer to being a man. If the past 15 years are any indication, he's going to be a wonderful man. Any girl will be lucky to have him.

That is, if they can get to him through me. After all, I am his mother.

So, I

2010-11-02T23:53:00.000-04:00

So, I just walked into the kitchen to refill my drink, and I heard something in the drawer under my stove. I knew it was a mouse. There wasn't a doubt in my mind.

So, I woke up Junior, and he walks over and opens the drawer. Sure enough, there was a mouse, and that sucker ran! I am not sure where it is now, but I am in no way going to bed any time soon. I'm too creeped out. I am not necessarily afraid of mice...I just don't want them in my house, crawling on me while I'm sleeping.

So, yeah, I screamed like the little girl I am when that sucker showed it's face. This is why I love cats. This is the first place we have lived where we can't have cats, so we have mice. I am also rethinking the no kill traps. I think that little guy needs to die.

So, I am sitting here eating Halloween candy. I know I shouldn't be, but the kids went out Saturday night and Sunday night, and there is a crap load of candy in my house right now. And I have no willpower.

So I eat.

I went online yesterday trying to find a exercise video game for the wii. Every single game I found needs the balance board, which I do not have. I don't have the money to buy it right now, either. And my sister tagged me in a photo on FB from my niece's birthday party, and I look fat. Really fat. And I hate it. My face is so fat. At least when I take a picture of myself, I know how to tilt my head to make my chin look like there is only one. In candid shots, I always have a very fat face. Check it out:

That's my brother and another of my nieces in the picture. I look like a whale, and I hate it. Yet, here I sit eating laffy taffy...only the banana. Like that makes a difference.

So, I think I'm going to go play some games on FB...I really need to relax a little if I plan on sleeping tonight.

Therapy

2010-10-26T23:48:00.000-04:00

Today, our therapist learned that Junior and I are not perfect, and that we fight just like everyone else. probably not as often as most couples, but when I get pissed off, well, I get PISSED OFF. I don't want to go into details, because, well, it's really not that big of a deal. Let's just say that Junior did something that really hurt my feelings, and I was not talking to him. So we go into therapy today, and Elizabeth (our therapist) asks me how I feel about something, and I told her that I was mad at Junior and not speaking to him, so I was not the best person to ask questions to. This, of course, led to questions about why I was mad at him, and it ended with me in tears, throwing tissues at my husband. Of course, things are fine now, and talking helped Junior to see why I was so upset with him. That's one of the best things about therapy...we talk, we resolve things, and we move on. I think that is one of the biggest things I love about my marriage...we don't hold grudges, and we never get nasty with each other. There is never name calling, or things said that we later wish we could take back.

Other than that, therapy was fine. I gave Elizabeth the plant and she loved it. Actually, Brandi gave it to her. And speaking of Brandi, my kid is so smart. I mean, seriously smart. I had a conference with her teacher yesterday, and she went over some test scores with me that blew me away. They do MAP testing, and for 3rd graders, they should score a 192 in math and reading, and a 193 in language. Brandi scored a 213 in reading and language, and a 215 in math. Her teacher said these are 5/6th grade scores. I was blown away. I always knew she was smarter than kids her age, but I didn't think she was that far advanced. I worry now that she will get bored in school. Hopefully, the advanced classes she is in will keep her challenged.

Okay, so this blog is not supposed to be about the kids. It's supposed to be about me. But, I guess a big part of who I am is a mom. And I love it.

A Picture Of Me. Kind Of.

2010-10-24T00:27:00.000-04:00

Last night we had Ryan's annual Halloween/Birthday party. We had about 23 kids (that's counting two babies) and 11 adults, so it was a pretty full house.

And I had a ball!

For the first time in a long time, I actually dressed up. I sprayed my hair black (I hated the texture, but loved the color!), put on some sparkly makeup (I NEVER wear makeup) and donned my little purple witch hat. Check out the picture...I looked pretty hot! lol! I was told by several people that my hair looked really good that color. I don't think I would have the nerve to permanently dye it black, though.

There was lots of good food and great company. The kids played games, hit a pinata, bobbed for apples, and kind of just hung out. There were six little kids (between five and eight) who just ran around outside in the dark thinking they were hot shit. It was great. One of them (my friends grandson) came up to me and told me it was the best party he had ever been to.

Yeah, that was awesome.

I was a little taken aback by a couple of people, though. One parent called for directions and to make sure the party was going to have adult supervision, and when I said yes, she asked if her daughter could come too. What could I say? I said yes, and then she told me the daughter was 7. Um, it's a party for a 15 year old boy, and you want your young daughter to come? Is it just me or does that sound a little ballsy to you? I honestly didn't know what to say, so I said sure, send her along. Turns out, Brandi knew the girl from school, so it worked out, but really. I would never ask such a thing.

Then, the girl who lives behind us came over early, and asked if two of her friends could come, too. Kids I didn't know. Kasi said she met them and they were nice, so I told her to ask Ryan since it was his party. Again, is it just me, or was that ballsy? Turns out that those three girls got ticked when they didn't win the costume contest prizes, so they kind of yelled at Junior and went home. I told Kasi never to invite them to anything else, ever again.

But all in all, it was a great night.

I Love This Time Of Year

2010-10-18T20:59:00.001-04:00

It's almost Holiday time, and I love it. I wish our weather would reflect Fall...we have been in the 80's for the past week or so. I want the cool days, and the changing leaves....

For me, the Holiday season always starts with Ryan's birthday party. We do it a couple of weeks early sot hat we can make it a Halloween party. Then his actual birthday comes, then three weeks later is Thanksgiving. A week and a half after that is Brandi's birthday, and then three weeks later we have Christmas and New Years.

I love the time I spend with my family this time of year. I love that all our celebrations focus around the food. For a fat girl, this is not a good thing, but I have given myself permission to enjoy myself. If I gain a little weight back, it will be okay. I have learned in the last year and a half that I will fluctuate. I know now that I can maintain a weight...I just have to get to a healthy weight to maintain. I am extremely proud that I have kept off the 50ish pounds I lost over a year ago.

I am pretty excited about Ryan's party Friday night. I am going to dress up a little bit, which is something I don't usually do. Brandi and I both got the same little purple witches hat, but she is wanting to go with green face makeup, and I am going to do a little purple sparkling. It's going to be so much fun! I have lots of food to prepare, and even more cleaning to do. But it will all be worth it!

We went to therapy last week, and talked through some things. Our therapist just got her first real office, and I want to bring a little plant as an "office warming" gift next session, but I was a little worried that that might be a tad inappropriate. I asked my mom, and she said it's not; that it would be a nice gesture. Our therapist did her whole office black and red, so I have to find a plant that will match that. Any suggestions? My mom has a pot she painted that she thinks would be perfect...I just need to buy the plant.

Um...let's see...what else has been going on???? My mom's kitchen is coming along. It is taking a lot longer to finish than we thought it would, but Junior is doing all of the work himself (with Ryan's help). He's doing a great job...it just takes a while. It would take less time if the stuff my mom's buys wasn't defective...Junior went to install the sink, and it was warped. He got a new sink, went to install the faucet, and one of the clamps was broken so it leaked. Mom got a new faucet, but the hoses he bought for the other sink didn't fit this one, so he needed new ones...if he didn't have to continually run to the store he might make some progress! lol!

I guess that's about it. I have a lot to do before Friday, including some reviews on my other blogs, so it might be next week before I get back over here. Or even visit the few of you who read this blog. So, have a great week, and I'll see you all soon!!

Oh, wait, I almost forgot...I am rocking the water thing! It's all I drink when I am home. I bought a variety of flavor packets to put in it, so I am not bored with it. Yet.

Shhhh....

2010-10-08T14:55:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting here, dropping ecards, and sipping on a 44 ounce diet pepsi Junior brought home for me. One soda a day won't hurt, will it?

I Think I See A Connection

2010-10-06T23:45:00.000-04:00

Okay. Yesterday, I was craving a diet pepsi bad, so Junior went up to the store, and got me a 44 ounce in ice. Now, normally, I would drink that entire thing in about 30 minutes. Yesterday, it took me about four hours to drink the whole thing.

Today, I did the same thing, but add to it a diet coke at the Chinese restaurant, with a refill.

Tonight, my lower back and left side is hurting again. It has to be related to all that soda. The good news is that I also drank over a gallon of water, too.

I seriously think I could float away right about now...

Water

2010-10-04T22:03:00.000-04:00

Holy crap people. I drank almost two gallons of water today all by myself. I only had one 20 ounce sprite zero that Junior brought home from work for me. I figured I could reward myself for all the water. We even went to the store tonight and I didn't buy any soda. I figure if it's not in the house I won't be tempted to drink it.

Let's see how much I can drink tomorrow.

Oh, and on the plus side, I think my kidney/UTI issue has resolved itself.

Yay.

Hi.

2010-10-03T17:07:00.000-04:00

It's been a couple of weeks again, huh? It's so easy for me to write on my other blogs, because writing about kids, food, and crafts are easy. Writing about myself? Not so much.

Went to McDonald's with my mom and the girls yesterday. It was nice to b able to sit in a booth, and have a few inches between it and myself. This time last year, I couldn't fit in a booth. At all. I don't think thin people think about those kinds of things...like fitting in a booth at a restaurant.

We had a good therapy session last week. Pretty much talked about nothing, which was nice. Sometimes, these sessions are a relief. We did tell our therapist about almost getting robbed, which she found scary and funny. Kind of like we do now. Looking back, we can all laugh at Junior going after the guy with a sledge hammer. Even Brandi, which is awesome.

I have been fighting some kind of kidney infection or something. I have had the worst pain in my lower back and on my left front side. I bought some medicine yesterday, and it is helping with the feeling like I have to pee every three minutes, but I am still in pain. I haven't had any soda, only water, since yesterday, so I am hoping that will help, too.

Starting tomorrow, I am going to start walking a little girl in my neighborhood to and from the bus stop. She lives with her dad and Grandma, and the dad is going back to work, and the Grandma is sick and can't make it up and down the hill to the bus stop twice a day. So the dad asked me to do it. I was more than happy to. I'm just praying I don't forget about her in the morning. Her name is Caylyn, and she is 5. And adorable.

Let's see...I have a few reviews I have to do this week, and all of the products were awesome! The paid posts are still slow coming in, so I haven't been making much money, which sucks because I want to get my Christmas shopping going. I bought a few things last week, but not nearly enough.

I think that's about it. I need to get up and finish supper. I breaded the chicken, and now I have to cook it. I'm making hand breaded chicken nuggets, and I seriously can't wait to eat them.

Yum.

Probably More Than You Want To Know, But I'm Going To Share Anyway

2010-09-19T22:54:00.001-04:00

Today, I went bra shopping. For most of you, this is a simple thing. Not for me. I haven't bought a bra since my reduction, so I had no idea what size I am. Wait, that's not true. I have been living in sports bras for the last 2+ years. I decided today that I wanted something a little girlier...maybe even a sexy black one. I've never owned a black bra...they don't make them in my old, huge size.

I was all excited as we entered Walmart. That's right, Walmart. You see, I was never able to buy a "cheap" bra at Walmart. Heck, I couldn't buy an expensive bra there, either. They didn't carry my huge size. I always had to go to the department stores in the mall, where the sales ladies would look at me like I was a freak. (If you are a big girl who doesn't wear expensive clothes and you have to shop in a department store, you know the looks I am talking about) Anyway, I headed to the bras, and was overwhelmed by the selection. My only problem was, I had no idea what size to start with. I know I am pretty big around, but I have no idea what cup size, so I grabbed a bunch of different sizes and styles and headed for the fitting room.

Not one of them fit right.

The first one I tried on wasn't thick enough under the arms. When I had my surgery, they cut me from under one arm to under the other arm. My skin kind of comes to a point now under each arm, and the thin straps were not comfortable. They didn't cover enough and cut right into that skin. So, off that one went and I tried the next one. The cups were too big. It was a "C". The next one was a "B", and the cups were fine, but the same thing was wrong with the side part. And the same thing was wrong with all of the rest I had in there.

My excitement quickly turned to frustration when I realized that I wouldn't find a bra that fit properly. Resigned, I headed over to the sports bras, and still didn't find any that I liked. Of course, they didn't have the style I am currently wearing, and they are really comfortable. I guess I'll have to make a trip to the mall and deal with the stares as I try to find a bra that will fit properly.

I am not looking forward to that at all...

Nine Days Later...

2010-09-14T21:33:00.000-04:00

Things have gotten better since my last post. Thank you so much for all your loving and supportive comments. It is amazing that I have such wonderful friends who I have never even met. You guys have no idea how much I appreciate you all. I seriously love you guys!

As far as I know, my FIL is doing okay. We actually met with Junior's sister to talk things over, and it seems that he will be unable to get to Junior's work from here on out. That is a wonderful thing. My husband has breathed a huge sigh of relief, and can now relax at work.

We went to therapy today, and it was a pretty weird hour. We started the session talking about the past two weeks, and then ended up talking about my issues with driving and fishing. It was funny, because we have been seeing Elizabeth for a while now, and today was the first time we touched on my craziness. I warned her that I have some seriously weird issues, but I don't think she believed me.

For instance, my biggest fear about driving is that I will get into an accident and hurt my kids. I would NEVER be able to live with myself if that happens, so I don't drive. Weird, yes. Irrational, absolutely. But it is what it is.

I also have a hard time letting my kids go places with people who aren't family, because let's face it. If something terrible was to happen, and that person had to chose between saving my kids life or their own kids life, you know as well as I do that they would chose their own kid. I would, too. Another weird fear, yup. Totally irrational, abso-freakin'-lutely.

These are just two of my irrational crazy things. Trust me, there are many more. I am insane when it comes to my kids, and I know it. The good news is that they don't know that I think these things. I would hate for them to be aware of my issues.

Anyway, we left today's session in a good place mentally and emotionally. Hopefully we can look forward to two more stress free weeks. At least that's what I'm hoping for.

It's Been An Emotionally Rough Week

2010-09-05T22:32:00.000-04:00

My father-in-law had a stroke a couple of weeks ago. Apparently, he is having a hard time recovering from this one (he has had several in recent years). I pray every night for him to get better, but in my heart, I really don't care if he does.

I'm a horrible person, I know. It's just that something happened last weekend, and I am having a hard time with it. I have known for a while how Junior feels about his dad. What I didn't know was how my son feels about him. I mean, Junior and I have been in therapy for two years now dealing with his anger towards his dad, and it never occurred to me that the kids might have some anger towards him, too.

This completely broke my heart. For the first time, I broke down in therapy. I can not stand to see so much hate and anger in my son. He's 14, and shouldn't have to be this way. Now, before I get the comments about how we've filled his head with negative thoughts, let me assure you. That's not how it is. Ryan is angry about how Junior is always on edge about his dad. He's angry that his dad is hurting. Know what I'm saying? Our therapist recommended that Ryan come in for a session, or even start seeing a therapist of his own.

How did this happen? How did I not see that Ryan was so angry? Why are these people still having an impact on my family two years after we broke ties? My kids are so close to my mom, so they know how a grandparent is supposed to act. It never occurred to me that they might be missing that with their other grandparents. We assumed that our decision to walk away was the best thing for our family, but we never asked the kids how they felt about it. Their answers wouldn't have changed our minds, but we might have gone about it differently. Am I even making sense?

There are other things going on, too, but I'm not going to torture you with all the details. Let's just say that I have cried more in the last week than I have in the last year. I have had my "woe is me" moments, and I have also realized something pretty important.

Are you ready? I eat when I'm upset. You're shocked, right? I realized this when in therapy, after my meltdown, I looked at Junior and told him I needed ice cream. In fact, I told him I needed a chocolate peanut butter milk shake from Sonic. And you know what? It made me feel better.

Analyze that! lol!

Friendship

2010-08-28T15:31:00.000-04:00

I have been toying with writing this post for the past week or so. I am not sure where I want to go with it, or even if what I am going to say is going to be post-worthy. But, I need to sort things out, and this is usually the best place to do it.

Nine years ago, Junior and I lived in a trailer park. It was a small park, with only ten homes. Five on each side of the street. It was a quiet place to live, and we were happy there. The only problem was that it was a 2 bedroom, which was fine when Kasi and Ryan were that little. But, once I got pregnant with Brandi, I knew we wouldn't stay there much longer. Anyway, we had this neighbor. She was a single woman, about ten years older than me. We lived there for a while before we actually "met" her, but it wasn't until Brandi as born that her and I became friends. We actually became very good friends. She was always at my house, from morning until night. She even came to family events with me, and my family got to know her well. She didn't really work (she was trying to get on disability, so she held part time jobs...but never the same one for too long) so she had a series of boyfriends who paid her bills and gave her money. Luckily, she owned her home, so her bills were minimal. When ever she did get extra money, she always spent it on my kids. She especially treated Brandi like one of her own.

As time went on, I got to know her more and more, and I realized that there were things about her that I wasn't too fond of. For instance, she was a compulsive liar. I mean, it got to the point where I would know she was lying, but she would do it anyway. I caught her in several lies, but instead of confronting her, I just let it go. Then one day, about five years ago, she went a little insane and ended up in the psych ward for three days. This just so happened to have occurred during a week that my sister was visiting from NY. Well, She called me from the hospital, and said that she needed me to go to the hospital and sign her out, and take responsibility for her. There were several reasons why I didn't do it. For one, my sister hardly ever visits, and I wasn't about to change my plans with her. Selfish? Maybe. The second and more important reason...there was no way that I wanted to be responsible for her. She has a grown (and married) daughter who refused to do it, so why should it fall on me?

After that, she didn't come around or call for a few weeks. I knew she was probably ticked, but oh well. Eventually, things got back to normal, and she was at my house all the time again. By this point, we had moved to a new house, and we weren't neighbors anymore. I was getting tired of catching her in lies, and I was finally beginning to realize that she may not be someone I want to be friends with. My sisters called her toxic, and I started to agree. there are a lot of other things that happened, but you get the gist of it. So eventually, I stopped taking her calls. When she came by the house, Junior would tell her I was out with my sister or my mom. After a few weeks, I think she got the message, because she stopped calling.

So, a few weeks ago, she went into where my brother in law works, and started asking about me. At this point, it's been about four years or more since I have seen her. he didn't want to give out my number, so he took her number to give to me. He told me about it, and I wasn't too excited, or eager, to call her, so I didn't even take the number from him.

Well, last Monday, the park manager stopped Junior as he was coming in from work to tell him that some lady was looking for us. It was her. I couldn't believe it! Apparently, my brother-in-law had told her the general area where we lived, and she drove around until she found us. (I found out later that she stopped and talked to anyone she could find in their yards, asking them if they knew us!) Now that she knew where we lived, I felt it was best to just call her so she would stop coming around.

Now, this chick can talk. I am talking about the type of person who will cut you off mid-sentence to talk about themselves. So, I called her. And she talked. And talked. And talked. For about an hour and a half. Not once did she ask how I have been...she just talked about herself. I agreed to have her come by and see the kids, because she did love them like her own, and she wanted to see them. Well, when she came over, she acted like the past four+ years never happened. She bought my kids some school clothes, and has been here almost every day since then. Yesterday, she called and asked if she could take me to lunch. Actually, she called and said she was coming to get me, so I better be ready. She treated us to a nice lunch, and I kind of enjoyed myself. It's been a long time since I have been "out" without the kids or Junior.

Here is my dilemma. I am still not sure I want to get too involved with her. I don't know if I can believe anything she says, but I know she has a heart of gold and doesn't mean any harm...it's just how she is. Listening to her talk this past week, it's apparent that she has no other friends. She never did. She has boyfriends, but no close girlfriends. I don't know if I am feeling bad for her, or if I really want to be her friend again. Does that make sense?

Does any of this make sense? I know I've rambled, and I hope what I am trying to say has come through. I guess my question to you is, have you ever (or do you now) had a needy friend, and if so, how did (or do you) keep your distance without hurting their feelings?

Perfect? Nah, Not Even Close.

2010-08-23T22:26:00.001-04:00

I have been meaning to write this post since last Tuesday, but I seem to have my head screwed on backwards these days. The kids are back in school, and we are slowly getting back into our routine. I spent the summer not cooking, and have had to get back into the habit of cooking every night. I am trying to cook well balanced meals, and it's been hard some nights. I mean, there are nights it is just easier to open a jar of sauce and have pasta for supper with garlic bread. Pure carbs, I know, but sometimes, it's the easiest thing.

I don't want to write about my cooking, though. You all know I have another blog for that :). I want to tell you about something we talked abut in therapy last week. Some of you know that Junior had a bad weekend a few weeks ago. He is stressed, and I have been thinking for a while now that he might be depressed again. So, we started up his meds again, and he seems to be doing better. (I know some of you don't believe in meds, but for us, there is no other choice...I can't and won't go into specifics here) We ended up going to our family doctor, who I love. He was our doctor back when we had insurance, and he has been the kids doctor forever. In fact, he was the one who told me I was pregnant with Brandi. Anyway, we went and spoke with him for a good while, and Junior seems to be back on track.

When we were in therapy last week, we were talking about how Junior was doing, and one of our therapists, Myra, asked why I decided to stand by Junior and be so supportive. That question kind of shocked me, and I told her so. She asked why, and I told her that it never even entered my mind not to be supportive. I mean, he is my husband. It's what I'm supposed to do. I did point out that by the end of the weekend, I was ready to bitch slap him and tell him to suck it up, but that was when he was kind of feeling better.

So my question to you is this...if you are married, would you walk away from your spouse if they were going through a difficult period? If so, how much is enough?

Elizabeth, our main therapist, actually said that Junior and I have a "real" marriage, and we should be role models for other married couples. She said we don't have the preconceived notion that life is going to be a big romance story. We have love. Real love. Comfortable love. Simple as that. We have been through so much together. Stuff that would have probably resulted in divorce in many other couples. (I am not talking about cheating or anything like that...just family drama and money issues and depression and all the normal everyday crap)

I am in no way bragging here, and I was pretty embarrassed when she was saying all of this, but when I thought about it later, I think she kind of had a point. My marriage is in no way perfect, but we don't expect it to be. But, when one of us is down, after the other makes fun for a moment, there is a lot of lifting up going on. I know, without a doubt, that Junior would do anything for me. I know this. He has proven it time and time again.

It was my time to be there for him, and I am happy to say that I was.

A Blog With Substance

2010-08-18T21:47:00.000-04:00

My sweet, sweet friend Jeannette, author of A Hippo With A Headband, passed this award to me, and I am honored that she thinks so highly of me. I mean, I know I'm awesome. It's nice that other people think so, too. (kidding...totally kidding) Seriously, I am honored that she thought of me to pass this along to.

•Thank the blogger who awarded it to you.

•Sum up your blogging philosophy, motivation, and experience using five (5) words.

•Pass it on to 10 other blogs which you feel have real substance.

So, five words that sum up my blogging philosophy. This is kind of hard. Let's say:

HONEST ~ LOYAL ~ FRIENDSHIP ~ HUMILITY ~ MOTIVATING

That was pretty hard, and I'm not even sure those are the right five words. I may change them after I have had a while to mull it over.

This next part is even harder for me, and that is selecting people to pass this award to. That said, I am going to completely flake out and pass it to all of you who visit today. Each and every one of you who stop by and leave encouraging words, well, you will never know how much that means to me. I have this blog because I wanted somewhere to talk about myself. No kid stories, no husband stories. Just me stories. I don't want hundreds of readers over here like I have on my main blog. I want all of those who visit here to know the real me, and I want that to be an intimate experience. I want to be able to continue to be completely honest here, and with your support, I can be.

Thank you for that. I love you all!

Happy

2010-08-16T22:57:00.000-04:00

I. Am. Happy.

Such a simple little sentence, yet so hard for some people to be. Some people, no matter what life throws at them, are just not happy. They could be surrounded by family and friends, people who love them, yet they are unhappy, and they feel like they have to make evreyone else around them unhappy, too.

I am a happy person, most of the time. But like everyone, life can sometimes make things less than perfect. From now on, I want to be that happy person, who sees the good in every situation.

I am going to stop worrying about things I can not change, and be happy with the things that are wonderful in my life. In fact, my life is wonderful. I have a husband who loves me and kids I adore. Are we the perfect family? Heck no. I threaten to punch Ryan in the face at least three times a week. The way I see it, I hardly ever spank the kids. In fact, I can not even remember the last time Ryan (or the girls) was spanked. I mean, he's 14 years old. So, instead of threatening to spank him, I threaten to punch him. We both know I'll never do it...in fact, most of the time he laughs in my face. Not in a disrespectful way...it is so hard to describe the relationship I have with my kids. I am most definitely the parent, and they listen to me (most of the time) without too much hassle. I am also kind of their friend, but not in the way that means I'm not the mom. Does that make sense? We joke around and stuff, but when push comes to shove, they know who's in charge. There is a definite line, and they know not to cross it. Oy, I am confusing myself right now.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all know how to have fun. I seriously don't know what would happen if we didn't laugh around here. We spend so much time being silly and funny...and it's wonderful.

We're happy.

All of us.

Together.

And I love it.

On The Right Track, Only It's Not My Track

2010-08-10T22:17:00.000-04:00

Hmmm...I wish I could open up and tell you all what has been going on around here, but I can't. Too many lurkers (who think I don't know that they are) are still reading my blogs, and they don't deserve to know what is going on in my world.

So go away! We want nothing to do with you. Is that really a hard thing to understand?

The rest of you...message me on facebook, and I'll catch you up.

Quick Question

2010-08-08T00:02:00.000-04:00

Why do I always have to be the strong one?

My Journey, Huh?

2010-08-03T00:09:00.000-04:00

Well, lately my journey sucks. I am having too much fun spending time with my family to worry about things like eating right and exercising. But. most of my time has been spent swimming, which is supposed to be great exercise. And since we are in the pool so much, I am not snacking. Which is awesome. Except at night. I have no willpower at night. Seriously. I can go all day without eating, but once the sun goes down, I can eat everything in sight. I don't. But I could.

I haven't lost any weight, and am still up a couple of pounds. I am okay with that, though, because I am staying pretty steady, which for me is a big deal. I mean, it's been a year since I lost a big hunk of weight, and I have kept it off. For a freakin' year! I have never done that before. Sure, I want to lose more. But right now I am going to be happy with maintaining.

The kids go back to school two weeks from today. I can not believe the Summer has gone by so quickly. I am looking forward to getting back into our daily routine, though. I love this quiet time at night, when I am the only one awake. It's so peaceful. I tried doing bedtimes tonight, to get them back into the swing of things. Brandi finally fell asleep around 11, even though I had her in bed at 9. We watched Huge together, so she really went down at 10, but I am hoping to have her back to regular bedtime by next week. Last year, she went to bed at 7:30, but was allowed to watch 30 minutes of TV before going to sleep. She usually fell asleep before 8. This year, she wants to stay up until 9. I am not sure how she will do with that, since we get up at 5:30am. That's only 8 1/2 hours sleep, and I prefer she get closer to 10. But, I guess we'll try it out and see. Ryan is almost 15, and wants to stay up later, too. last year he went to bed at 10, and I still think that is late enough.

Seriously, why am I rambling on about my kids bedtimes? Like ya'll really care about all that. And this blog is supposed to be about me, not my kids. I have other blogs for that.

We have therapy tomorrow. We haven't been for a month...I was sick last session and Junior refused to go without me, even though this is his therapy, and I am only there for support. It's funny...last time we saw our therapist, we were talking about going more frequently. Oh well.

I guess that's about it. If you made it this far, well, thanks for reading. I know I ramble sometimes. That's just how my mind works.

I Hate The Scale Right Now

2010-07-26T23:30:00.000-04:00

Okay, so last week I was sick for like four days. Then Mother nature thought it would be fun to add to my misery, and then, to top it all of, I got a little irregular. Now, my tooth is killing me.

Not a fun week at all.

I did get on the scale after being sick for a few days, and I was down 52 pounds. I finally got over that hump!

I got on the scale this morning, and wanted to put my fist through the wall. I seriously don't get it. I haven't been eating much at all due to the puking and toothache, yet I gained weight. Sure, it might be because it's that time of the month, but it's still so frustrating.

Hey! Hello! How Ya Doin'?

2010-07-14T22:37:00.000-04:00

Me? I'm doing just fine. I've been swimming, and blogging, and watching scary movies with Kasi. I have so many reviews coming up on "my kids" blog...I am loving the products I am getting to test out! I finally feel like I made a name for myself in this blog world. My blog is gaining sponsors, which is awesome, and I have some giveaways coming up, too. Seriously, I am having a flippin' ball!

My weight? Still the same. Exactly the same. No change whatsoever! Now, this should be frustrating, but since I am not dieting, or exercising regularly, I have come to accept this. I know when I start putting a little effort into it, I will start losing again. I know this. I just have to get to that point, and right now, I have too much going on, so I am going to be happy with simply maintaining right now.

Junior went to the clinic yesterday, and was put on the waiting list. It could take up to six months for him to get in to see the doctor, which sucks, but what else can we do?

The kids go back to school a month from Friday...August 16. I can not believe that Summer vacation is almost over. As much as I am enjoying staying up late and sleeping in, I am looking forward to the routine we will be in once they go back.

I have cracked on the whole water thing. I know, I know. I did so good for a while, and then I had a diet sprite, and that was it. But, I have been doing the wii, and loving it!

I guess that's about it. I have some work to do over on the other blog, so I need to get my big ole butt in gear...

We Went To Therapy

2010-07-06T22:43:00.000-04:00

I was pretty excited to see what our therapists would say this week about our last session, since it was with the kids. Turns out, we didn't really get to talk much about it. One of them did say that if she had to sum up our family with one word, it would be funny. (are you really surprised?) She also said that Brandi is most definitely a mommy's girl, and Kasi is more of a daddy's girl. She didn't know which Ryan preferred, because he picked on both of us evenly.

We spent most of the session talking about things I am not comfortable sharing here, mostly because it concerns Junior. I mean, these are his therapy sessions, and there are some things that he doesn't want me to share. I'm just going to say that talking about it helped, and we are taking steps in the right direction. Sounds kind of mysterious, doesn't it?

We also discussed going every week again for a little while, so we might go back next Tuesday. It really all depends on if Junior can get a doctor's appointment before then, otherwise he needs to go to the clinic Tuesday, which means no therapy. He is finally going to go have another sleep study done so they can recalibrate his bi-pap machine, because he hasn't been sleeping well. We are hoping the clinic will send him, and Tuesdays are the only time you can go in and talk to the receptionist about getting an appointment, and it usually means waiting around for an hour or two. So, if we don't hear from them before Tuesday, that's where Junior will be. Our therapist is sending them a referral, so we are hoping they will call before then.

Am I rambling a little? Sorry.

You know I do that from time to time.

Motivation Monday ~ Week 2

2010-07-05T16:14:00.001-04:00

So...how'd I do last week....

on a positive note, I gave up soda, for the most part. When I am at home, instead of drinking soda, I have been drinking water. Lots and lots and lots of water. I didn't buy a 2 liter of soda all week. Now, I did have a soda if we stopped for a drink while out and about, which is okay, because it calms the cravings.

yesterday was the 4th, which means lots of food and swimming. I was hoping the swimming would work of all the food, but not so much. There was no change in my weight at all last week...which sucks...but it's better than showing a gain.

I didn't do the wii at all.

What are my goals for the coming week:

I have got to find a way to get this weight off. Seriously. I don't want to "diet", because for me, that is always the beginning of the end.

I rearranged the furniture in my living room this morning, making it more wii friendly. That means I am going to be doing that this week...starting tonight.

I am going to continue drinking water, which gets easier every day.

Thanks to Jeannette for hosting Motivation Monday...head over to her blog Hippo With A Headband if you want to join in, too.

Am I Still Motivated Today?

2010-07-02T02:06:00.000-04:00

The only thing I am doing right this week is drinking water.

Lots and lots of water.

The good thing is that I have only had two sodas since Monday, and both were on the way to my mom's house, and I didn't finish either one. I am actually wanting the water.

Weird, I know.

The only downside is that it goes right through me. I got up about six times last night alone...it was crazy!

As far as the other two goals for this week...yeah, I'm not holding my breath.

My First Blog Award

2010-06-29T16:22:00.000-04:00

The Rules:
•Thank the blogger who awarded it to you.
•Sum up your blogging philosophy, motivation, and experience using five (5) words.
•Pass it on to 10 other blogs which you feel have real substance.

My newest friend Jeannette has passed this award on to me, and I am pretty excited about it! This is the first award for this little blog of mine!

I am supposed to sum up this blog in five words...let's see...finding my way to healthy...how's that? Sound good?

I am also supposed to pass this along to 10 other blogs, but I'm not going to. Why not? Well, because all of you who read this blog and share my journey are special, so I want you all to have it! :)

Motivation Monday ~ Week 1

2010-06-28T14:24:00.000-04:00

Motivation Monday is hosted by Jeannette, over at A Hippo With A Headband.

I have been thinking about a bunch of things lately, and making them into one coherent post seemed impossible. Today I will try and get them all down in a bullet type post, so bear with me. (is it bear, or bare?)

my weight is at a stand still, and it is pissing me off. I really believed that once I started swimming every day, the weight would come off. I mean, when I am in the pool, I am constantly swimming laps. I jump in, play with the kids...all of this is great exercise! And since I wasn't exercising at all before I started swimming, I was really hoping to see some results.

on that same note, I am feeling a whole lot better. I am sleeping better. I haven't been hit with insomnia since mom opened the pool, which is just plain awesome.

I really need to stop drinking soda. I live on diet lemon lime soda. I drink at least a 2 liter bottle a day, sometimes more. I need to start drinking water. I know this, but it is so hard to do. When I quit smoking, I used soda as a substitute for nicotine. I think it is time to break this habit, too.

it's Summer, so it's only natural that I start stressing about money. We are not going to be able to camp this year, which really sucks, but at least we are not stuck in the house every day. My power bill is ridiculously high, but if we want to stay semi-cool, we need to run the A/C. Last Summer was when I started losing this weight, and back then, it was definitely stress related. Maybe worrying about money will help me over this hump...I know, not healthy, but hey, I'll take what I can get.

google...an update is coming, and I am worried. If I lose rank, I lose money. And to be honest, the money hasn't been that good lately, even with my current rankings. I am praying that at least one of my blogs will increase, so that the money coming in will increase. I mean, before I know it, school will be starting again, and we all know how expensive all those supplies are, especially for three kids.

I guess since this is Motivation Monday, I need to set some goals for myself for this week. Let's see...

I am going to try and lose 3 pounds...I had my period last week, so my weight was up a little...I want to get back to my 50 pound loss by next Monday.

I am going to drink more water. I have a couple of bottles of soda in the house, and once they are gone, I am not going to buy anymore.

I am going to do the wii every day. I still don't have the wii fit, but even playing the sports games for a little while is good exercise for this girl who does nothing but sit at the computer getting work done. I will find time to play this week :)

Okay, three goals in seven days...let's see if I can do it!

I Feel A Long Winded, Rambling Post Coming On...

2010-06-27T00:11:00.002-04:00

Just give me a day or two to get my thoughts straight. I feel like I have a million things to say, but nothing is making sense in my head right now. Sleep may help...

Family Therapy

2010-06-23T22:37:00.000-04:00

Yesterday the kids joined Junior and I for a therapy session. We played a game called "The Ungame", and it was pretty fun. Basically, landing on different spaces has us doing different things, like answering questions from cards or making up our own questions to ask each other. The kids were nice, mostly, when they answered about me, and sarcastic when answering questions about Junior. I think I came off as the one who tries to keep the kids in line, while Junior just egged them on. I am very interested to see what our therapists are going to say about us when we have a regular session in two weeks.

My last post was about what my Grandmother said to me, and I have been thinking about that quite a bit. Not what she said so much, but how I reacted to it. (oh, and I know I put giggle instead of jiggle...I just realized that re-reading the post...I need to fix that!) In the past, a comment like that would have crushed me. I would have probably cried about it, and then spent the rest of the day (or week) miserable, because I probably wouldn't have put on a bathing suit in front of her.

This new me, though? I let it slide right off my back. I got up from the table, put on my suit, and jumped into the pool. I know, now, how much I have changed in the past year. I don't think I really realized it before then. I have a little bit of confidence now, and it feels great!

This Is Going To Be Quick...

2010-06-19T23:11:00.000-04:00

My Grandmother came in this morning, and will be staying until next weekend. Now, I haven't seen her since before my surgery, and she says to me this afternoon:

"Jenn, I had no idea you were so big (as she giggles her arms, implying that my fat arms giggle). I used to tell people you were thin with big boobs, but I can see I was wrong."

Thanks Grandmother. Thanks alot.

Like I Need Something Else To Worry About

2010-06-19T00:20:00.000-04:00

***Okay, so I just finished writing this post, and it ended up being long, and kind of whiny at times. Consider yourself warned.

So, did you all read about Junior's hand? If not, you can read about it here. I am still trying to wrap my head around it all.

I am optimistic, though. I keep praying that the infection will respond to these new antibiotics. I remember when I first started going to the doctor about my boob, they said the same thing to me. They gave me a whopping dose of antibiotics, and then wanted to see me 12 hours later to see if there was any improvement.

There was.

I am hoping the same thing happens with Junior. Actually, I am praying the same thing happens. We, as a family, depend on him. We have no savings (living paycheck to paycheck sucks!) and if he is out of work, I have no idea what we will do. Thankfully, he has three weeks of vacation he can take, but that will wipe out any chance of us vacationing at all this year.

He is not taking this whole thing well. I can not help with changing the dressing. I almost passed out just looking at it before. He had to shove the new gauze in the hole himself. It hurt. I have never seen him in so much pain. And he has to do this twice a day. Thank God they finally gave him some good pain medicine that is working to dull the pain. He is half stoned right now, but that's okay. I like seeing him like this more than I like seeing him in pain.

I am trying to stay up until 2am, when he needs to take his next dose of antibiotics. This new one is 300mg four times a day, on top of the other one he started on Wednesday. Too bad this new one wasn't a $4 walmart medicine like the other one was. The gauze we had to get was almost a dollar a sheet. The doctor prescribed 20 sheets, which would have been almost $18. Thankfully the pharmacist recommended getting half to start with, and if we need more we can get the rest. I don't think we will need anymore, because Junior only put about a one inch square piece in the hole, and we have 9 sheets of 1X8 that we are cutting up. We should have only bought four sheets, or even three to start with, but oh well. This shit might be good for other cuts, too, if someone in the family gets hurt.

You know what? I think I am rambling. I am sure no one really cares about what size gauze we bought, but I feel better just rambling on. It helps me deal. I was so stressed before, I went into Ryan's room and played my favorite video game for a couple of hours. That helped me relax. I am such a video game junkie, especially when I find a game I like.

Tomorrow my grandmother is coming up from Florida. I am looking forward to seeing her. It's been a while, and the kids are excited, too. But, with Brandi running a temperature, we'll have to see if we'll be going over there (to mom's) tomorrow. I think, and don't yell at me, that she got too much sun yesterday (we were in the pool all day). She didn't burn (she had on tons of sunscreen) but I think she might have just overheated herself. So, from now on, I will limit her, and my, time in the pool. It's just so nice being in the water.

My sunburn is looking great! I peeled, then peeled again, and now I am getting tan. Trust me, though. I am wearing a lot of sunscreen, too.

My weight? Frustrating. I was sure that once I started swimming, the weight would come off. But it's not. My sister recently posted some pictures from our Tennessee trip, and I was in a few of them. I hate having my picture taken. I HATE it. I hate my mouth and my smile. (I am not fishing for compliments about how beautiful I am...I know I'm beautiful...but that doesn't mean that I can't hate something about myself) Anyway...I look fat in the pictures. Not as fat as I was last year, but still fat. I have so much more weight to lose, and I want to be on the right track, but it is so hard! I love to eat as much as I hate having my picture taken. I have been trying to eat better, and I have been. But I still slip, especially when chocolate and peanut butter are involved.

God, this is turning into a whiny post now, isn't it? I think I might need to go to bed. I can always set the alarm to get up and give Junior his medicine.

If you made it to the end of this post, well, that must mean you love me. :)

Life

2010-06-16T22:59:00.000-04:00

I have been so busy. Which is so unlike me. You all know I would rather sit home than go out. Unless it's for Chinese food. Then all bets are off.

Seriously, though. I could quite easily become a hermit, as long as I had my family and computer. I like being home, following my routine, and that has not happened much since school let out. Actually, I think it started with my Tennessee trip. Since then, it seems like we have something to do, or somewhere to go, every day.

And it's beginning to bug me.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love going to my mom's house to swim and hang out with her. The kids are having a ball in the pool. So am I. They have all learned to swim in the deep end, even Brandi. But being away from home so much has gotten us out of our routine. Brandi has been staying up until after midnight every night. Last night she was up until almost 3. Going to bed late means sleeping late in the morning, which means I don't have enough time to get the housework done, much less my computer work. Doing paid posts is a lot more work than just doing the posts. I have to network my blog, comment like crazy (which I suck at, as most of you know) and keep up connections I've made. Some days it is exhausting.

But, I love doing it. It allows me to stay home with the kids. So all these hours spent in the pool means I am not blogging. Which is a good thing. I am out in the world, spending time with the kids and my mom, ad having a wonderful time.

Wait, where was I going with this? Right. I haven't been home much lately.

Next week, my grandmother will be visiting from Florida. She's coming in on Saturday, and will be here until next weekend. Then we have Eclipse coming out and 4th of July weekend. Oh, and my anniversary is Tuesday, June 22nd (15 years! Holy crap!) and then we have a friend's birthday dinner two days later.

Maybe by the second week of July things will go back to normal.

Or maybe not.

Oh, and just in case you are wondering, my weight loss has stalled, which is pissing me off, because I have been swimming so much!

I Don't Usually Post Pictures On Here, But...

2010-06-11T22:04:00.000-04:00

here's a shot of the kids and I in mom's pool. We are all watching Ryan jump in...or should I say "belly flop" in. My nephew Carson loves when he does that.

I don't want this blog to be about my kids...this is my space. I just wanted to show you that I am enjoying myself this summer. Tomorrow we are having a cookout at mom's again, with my sisters mother-in-law. Today, my mom made it a point to tell me she would be there, Um, okay. I asked if she wanted me to not wear my bathing suit in front of her, and she said that's not what she meant. She just wanted to make sure that I knew that she was going to be there. I don't think she understands that I have had a sort of epiphany lately...I am fat. I know this. I am trying to lose weight, but it's hard. In the meantime, I refuse to let another summer go by without enjoying myself. People can tell I am fat whether I have on my bathing suit of shorts and a tshirt. I decided that this year, I am going to wear a bathing suit, and I don't care what anyone else thinks. I have spent the past 38 years of my life watching from the sidelines, worried about what people think of me. For some reason, this year, I say fuck it. Let people laugh at me. Let people judge me. I don't care.

And I have really, never been happier.

A Twist

2010-06-09T23:04:00.000-04:00

It's been almost two years since Junior started therapy. Most of you who read this know the back story, so I am not going to repeat it all. The reasons he started and the reasons he's still going have changed, and it's become more about us as a family, and not so much about the stuff that started this. Am I being cryptic? I don't mean to be. Let me try this again.

The focus of therapy has changed from dealing with the hurt and anger to coping with it. Does that make sense? In our sessions, we talk more about what we do as a family ( meaning me, Junior, and the kids) and less about how other family members (his dad, mother, and brother) influence our lives, because it has been so long since we have seen any of them, they no longer effect (or affect, I never know which to use) Junior's day to day life. Sure, he is still dealing with his past, and all that other stuff, but we also talk about how he acts towards our kids and me.

So yesterday, Elizabeth, who is our therapist, and Myra, the therapist who has sat in for the last two sessions, came into the waiting room to call us back. They noticed that we had all the kids with us (we were going straight to my mom's house from there) and got very excited. They wanted the kids to join us for a session. I think that kind of freaked Junior out a bit, but we agreed. Unfortunately, the family room was unavailable, and the room we were in was too small for all of us. But, for next session, Elizabeth booked the family room, and we are all going to play some kind of game.

It should be interesting. I already told the kids, and I made sure they know that they can answer any question however they want, being completely honest. I am terrified thinking about what will come out of their mouths, but it should be fun.

Gulp.

A Big Step For Me

2010-06-05T22:04:00.001-04:00

I wore a bathing suit today in front of my mom. I wasn't even self-conscience, though I probably should have been. But whatever. I had fun swimming with the kids in the pool, and that's the important thing. I didn't sit in the shade and watch the fun...I was a part of it!

You guys have no idea how big a step this was for me.

Now next weekend, my sister will be there, and we'll see how comfortable I am in front of her. And then the following weekend, my aunt and Grandmother will be here. Hopefully by then I won't care who sees me! lol!

Oh, and I should probably mention that I am a freakin' lobster right now. When will I learn???

'Bout There

2010-06-03T11:45:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I have been stressing getting on the scale, what with the weight gain from the past few weeks. But this morning I sucked it up and weighed myself.

I have two more pounds to lose, and then I am back to the 49 pound loss. This also means I am three pounds away from a 50 pound loss.

Three pounds.

Ug. Seems like so much sometimes...

Hey Ya'll!

2010-06-01T00:50:00.000-04:00

That sounded pretty southern, didn't it? LOL!

Anyway, I have been so busy it's not even funny. My trip to Tennessee was awesome, but since I've been back, the scale has not been my friend. not only did I not make it to 50, I gained a couple of pounds back.

Ug.

This is such a hard thing to do, but I am not giving up. I was surprised that i gained weight over my weekend away, because we did a LOT of walking, and not really much eating. But, what i did eat was very carb heavy, and I think that was my problem. By the time we were headed home, I was craving something, anything, that wasn't a carb, which is weird for me, because i could live on bread alone.

The following weekend, which was last weekend, we had two parties for Kasi, and at both I ate way too much crap. Then today we had a cookout at mom's, and I ate way too much. Again.

The good thing now is that the kids are out of school, and I am getting us all back on track. I plan on swimming a lot, which I love, and it is also great exercise. I have to make our food budget stretch, because the kids are no longer eating two meals a day at school. This means no extra junk in the house.

This is a good thing.

On a totally unrelated note, I have once again managed to get into some poison oak, and it's driving me crazy! It's on the inside of both ankles, and a little bit up each calf. You would think by now I would be more careful, but I still don't know exactly what it looks like. But like every year (for the past four or five anyway) I will suffer through it.

Hopefully this time it won't spread.

One More To Go!

2010-05-11T10:07:00.000-04:00

I lost another pound. That makes 49. I really want to lose another pound before our trip this weekend...

Sleep...Where Are You?

2010-05-01T01:20:00.000-04:00

I hate insomnia. I haven't figured out why this happens to me. It could be that I sleep too late in the mornings. My typical routine is go to bed between midnight and 1am. The alarm goes of at 2:15am, and I get Junior up for work. The alarm goes off again at 5:15am and I get up and get the kids off to school. I lay back down around 7am, and sleep until 10:15am. (I find it easier to change the hour three times a day, so I always get up at something 15) This totals about 8 hours of sleep, if I fall asleep quickly, which doesn't normally happen. Usually, I get about 6 1/2 hours of sleep a night.

So tonight (I know it's technically morning, but whatever) I know that I don't have to get up three times in the morning. I can sleep until my body decides to wake up. (or until my mother calls...we have plans for tomorrow) But here I sit. I am pretty tired, but I can not fall asleep. I blame all the caffeine I had today. Usually, I drink diet sprite (or the equivalent store brand) at home, but when we go out, I drink diet coke, because most places don't carry the diet sprite. Today we did a lot of running around, and I drank a lot of diet coke, which means I had a lot of caffeine.

Which probably explains why I am still up.

At least I will be able to sleep in on Sunday...

Another Pound Gone!

2010-04-28T10:57:00.000-04:00

I'm a little excited right now!

I just weighed myself, and I lost another pound!

That makes 48! Two more pounds to my first goal of losing 50!

Am I freakin' awesome or what?

Please, Don't Yell At Me

2010-04-26T23:04:00.000-04:00

Remember last year, when my wisdom tooth declared war on me, and I ended up in tears in the ER, begging for some relief? Remember how I was supposed to wait a few weeks for the antibiotics to get rid of the infection, then I was going to have it pulled?

Well, I never did.

And today, it started up again. BUT, I took some pain meds pretty quickly, so the pain is under control. I also had some antibiotics that I could take (I am allergic to penicillin), so i started those. I am hoping i caught it early enough, and by tomorrow or the next day, it will be fine.

Than maybe in a few weeks (or months) I can have it pulled.

Reflecting

2010-04-22T22:53:00.000-04:00

I love Facebook. I really do. It's such great fun to find old friends, and see what they have been up to the last, oh, 20 years or so. Night before last I found a friend who I used to go to church with.

A little back story:

Growing up in New York, it was considered different not to be Catholic. I was, and still am, Baptist. There were not very many Baptist churches on Long Island, but my grandparents went to one, and every Sunday they would pick up me, my brother and my sister, and off we would go. I remember doing this as far back as i can remember. My parents would show up for services sometimes, but never Sunday school.

I loved this church. Being just 14 months younger than my sister, i kind of gravitated towards her friends, and never really had any of my own. Except in church. In fact, my best friend growing up was a boy whose parents were best friends with my grandparents. (they adopted him later in life, so they were my grandparents age by the time we were in high school) I was allowed to sleep over his house, and it was never questioned. Of course, nothing ever happen, though everyone would have sworn we would have gotten married someday.

Anyway, the church we went to was small, and the youth group was even smaller. I think there were maybe ten of us, and we were all really close. I used to go every Sunday, day and night, and Wednesday nights just to hang out with my friends. I remember sitting in the back pew, passing notes while the pastor preached his sermon. We got busted a few times, if I remember correctly, by leaving our notes in the hymnals.

We went on youth retreats. We took day trips into the city with the church bus (which was nothing more than an old school bus that barely ran). We did Christmas programs. And Pioneer Girls. And potlucks.

I really do look back on those years as some of the best from my childhood. Then one day, my dad decided that he wanted us to change churches, and I was so angry with him. By this time my best friend was driving, and I thought I was old enough to decide which church I wanted to attend. I could just go with him was my logic, but my dad didn't let me. If I remember correctly, my sister was driving by this time, and she would take all of us to Sunday school, and then church. I don't ever remember my parents going...but that could just be my failing memory. I didn't like this new church. It was big, and the friends I loved were not there. I grew up in that other church, and that is where I wanted to be.

It wasn't too long after this that we stopped going to church altogether. I truly believe that my life would be so different right now if we had never left that little church. I was on the right path back then. Not that I am on the wrong path now, because I wouldn't trade one second of the past 20 years for anything. I just think that I would have made different choices along the way.

Like staying in church.

So, I found one of my closest girlfriends from back then on Facebook. She is married to one of the guys who was in our tight little group of friends at church, and they have four daughters. She is still very involved with her church, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little jealous of her.

And I can't for the life of me figure out exactly why. I mean, I think it is because I wish I was part of a church again. I want my kids to go to Sunday school, but with Junior and I, not my parents. I just can not get Junior to go. You see, we have a difference of opinion when it comes to choosing a church. I want to go to a Baptist church, and he doesn't. He wants to go to a Church Of God. I think that because I was raised in church, and I have pretty strong beliefs, that he should do what I want. Selfish? Maybe. But he went to church only on holidays, and it was never a good experience for him. I think if he will just try a Baptist church, he will like it. I know the kids would love it.

My mom has been talking about finding a new church, and I seriously think that we should all go together. I mean, church is all about family, so why not go with family. Right?

I need to stop making excuses. I need to go out and get some church clothes (now that I have lost some weight I can get some stuff in smaller sizes :) ) for myself and the kids. I need to make an effort to get my family into a church.

I think maybe that is what I have been missing, and maybe seeing what my old friend has makes me want it all the more. Does that even make sense?

Headaches Suck

2010-04-21T13:00:00.002-04:00

I hate waking up with a headache. It ruins my entire day. I can't find the advil, so I had to take tylenol, which never really helps. I am hoping it will ease off a little...it's been two hours since I took the tylenol, and so far, no change...and not become a full blown migraine.

I didn't sleep well last night, and I think that might be playing a part in this. I was up almost every hour, for no reason. I finally got four hours of straight sleep once the kids were off to school, and probably would have slept longer had the alarm not gone off.

I am hoping to get to bed at a decent hour tonight, and maybe this headache will be gone by morning.

Three More To Go!

2010-04-18T13:39:00.002-04:00

Just a quick little post...

I weighed myself this morning, and I am down another pound.

That makes 47!

Three more and I will have lost 50!

Yay me!!!!!

Virus Free!

2010-04-17T17:18:00.002-04:00

My computer is fixed, thanks to my dad. Apparently, I did not have working anti-virus stuff on here, so as soon as he downloaded one, it got rid of the virus.

Or at least I think that is what happened! lol! All I know is that I am back to working at 100%, no more pop ups, no more porn icons, and no more spontaneous shut downs.

Life, or at least my computer life, is good again. My non-computer life has always been, and will always be, good :)

Digital Protection

2010-04-15T23:34:00.000-04:00

That seems to be the name of the virus that has attached itself to my computer. I have no idea how to get rid of it. Thankfully, other than being really annoyed, I can still get online. I just have to continuously close pop ups that insist that my computer is being attacked. Every now and then, the virus completely shuts down my computer, and that is getting old fast. Oh, and then there are the three porn site icons that materialize on my desktop. I delete them...five minutes later they are back. I am just glad the porn sites aren't opening up on their own. At least the icons are hidden when I am online.

I have forbidden the kids from using the computer until I get this fixed.

Other than that, I have been spending the day getting ready for my company that's coming over tomorrow night. Last Sunday was my dad's birthday, so I am cooking dinner tomorrow night, and then we'll do cake. My sister is coming with Carson and Lylah, which should be fun. You all know how much I love my nephew and niece. I might even try to talk my dad into playing around with my computer. I need help from someone.

That's An Elephant, You Know

2010-04-14T17:27:00.002-04:00

How do you like the new look?

I love it! I was so excited when I found this elephant template.

I bet you are wondering what I have been up to, since it has been a while since I have updated here. Again. I suck.

I'm still down about 46 pounds, which is awesome. I really want to drop another four so I can say I've lost 50...I'll get there. Slow and steady is my goal this time, and it seems to be working well for me.

Did I mention I bought a bathing suit I am actually looking forward to wearing? It's crazy, but for the first time in my life, I do not fill out the bust! lol!

Everything else has been pretty normal. We are settled in the new place, and it feels like home. I want to get some new curtains for the living room, but that will have to wait a while. We've been going to therapy, and talking about nothing really. All has been quiet from the other side, which has been a blessing, but it makes for boring therapy sessions.

I'll be back soon. Hopefully :P

My Happy Place

2010-03-15T22:26:00.004-04:00

Wow. It's been a while, and a lot has happened. If you read this blog because you know me from my other ones, this will be old news. But I'm going to share anyway :)

We moved. We didn't quite make it to March. We left the apartment in the middle of February, and I am so happy. The new place is great! It's a cute little double wide trailer, set up in a pretty upscale park. I hate the term "trailer park", because I always think rednecks and run down yards, old cars and lots of public intoxication. Where we are living, the are rules about stuff like that. In fact, there are rules about everything, and I love it. We don't have a very big yard, but the kids have lots of roads to ride their bikes on, and there are tons of kids in here, too. In fact, Brandi has already made a little friend, and they have been spending a lot of time together. This little girl wanders the park on her own, but I make Ryan or Kasi go with Brandi where ever she goes. I have also been walking a little bit, and boy is it hilly. My legs let me know real quick that I am not in the best of shape. Which means I need to be doing it a lot more.

It's a three bedroom house...yay...so I actually have my own bedroom. Of course, Brandi still sleeps with me, and probably will until she goes off to college. Because of his bi-pap machine, Junior sleeps by himself. Ryan and Kasi are happy with their rooms, which are bigger than what they had at the apartment. We have two full bathrooms, which is awesome. My bathroom has a huge garden tub with separate shower. The funny thing is, I have been looking forward to taking a bath for the past 18 months, but I have only been in the tub a couple of times. The kids are enjoying it, though.

Let's see...I am down 45 pounds. I know! Go me! I just hope that I can continue to lose. I went food shopping the other day for the month, and I bought a lot of healthy stuff. I have also started enforcing portion control, which the kids hate. Instead of second servings at supper time, I make them wait a while, and then have a healthy snack. I am hoping this will become the norm, instead of torture for them. And for me.

I guess that's enough for now. I will try to post here more often, but I say that all the time, and never follow through. So, how about I promise to not let a month and a half go by between now and then. Deal?

This Sucks

2010-01-25T11:27:00.004-05:00

I am having a hard time these days updating my blogs. The paid offers are slow coming in this month, and I have no desire to write about what little is going on around here. I am still packing, with the hopes of moving before the first of March. We were hoping for the first of February, but I just learned that my tax papers from Izea won't get to us until at least the middle of February, maybe later.

This sucks.

Right now I am listening to the water collect in the twenty or so buckets scattered around this apartment because it rained really hard last night. The sun is out now, but my ceilings will continue to leak until at least tomorrow.

Again, this sucks.

It doesn't help that my back is stiff this morning, my tooth has been bothering me again, and it's also the time when I hate being a girl. I have not been in a very good mood the past couple of days, and...

...it sucks!

I think I am going to go curl up in bed and watch a movie or something...

Goodbye, And Then Hello

2010-01-21T20:46:00.003-05:00

Yesterday we said goodbye to Cindy, our therapist. Her six months with us were up, so she turned us over to Elizabeth. She has been sitting in on our last three sessions, and she seems nice enough. Very young, but that's okay. Kelsey was young, and we loved her.

It's been nice that we haven't had much to talk about...things have been pretty quiet around here. It's weeks like this that the therapists try and get Junior to talk about his past, and most of the time he will shut down. Yesterday, he talked a little about it, and I think this is the direction we will be going with Elizabeth.

It will be interesting to see how it goes...

***************************************************

We went today and sorta did our taxes. They are all filled out, but can not be filed until I get my tax paper from Izea. I am hoping it won't be too much longer. I was pleasantly surprised with the amount we are getting back. This is the first year in a while that I have had an income, and I didn't pay any taxes on it through the year, so I knew I would have to pay now. It didn't really make a difference, though, because we still qualified for earned income credit and some other kid tax.

I am just happy that it is enough for us to pay those we owe money too, move, and get Ryan and I laptops. And, if I save the receipt for the laptop, I can claim it as a deduction next year. In fact, the lady who prepared our taxes deducted my yearly cost of internet because I use it to work.

Pretty cool, right?

***************************************************

I am still holding steady at 42 pounds down. I have been eating poorly lately, so I am not surprised that I am not losing. I have already warned the entire family that once we get settled into the new place, we are all going on a diet.

Every. Single. One. Of. Us.

Wish me luck! lol!

Holy Crap, 41!!!

2010-01-03T11:09:00.001-05:00

Okay. I love the wii. I give it credit for my weight loss this past week. I was worried that with all the treats and goodies that I would gain back some of the weight I lost.

Nope. I lost another couple of pounds, bringing my total to 41 pounds down! I am so excited! I am even more excited to start eating a little better, too, and seeing if that helps the weight come off a little faster.

So, yay for me!!!!!!

Four Days

2009-12-21T23:39:00.003-05:00

I can not believe it's four days until Christmas. I am getting excited, though, because we have been able to get the kids (mostly) what they asked for. Sometimes angels come out of nowhere and provide you with what you need, and today we experienced just that. I wrote this on my other blog, about how Junior found a visa gift card in his locker for our kids from "santa". With that I was able to get Kasi the backpack purse she wanted (which cost almost $30...which we didn't have) and I also bought Ryan a new psp game. Not a used one, a new one. Tomorrow I plan on getting Brandi the Wizards movie she wants (which is $20), and then they all have at least something specific that they asked for. They have other things, too, so it's going to be a great Christmas.

Junior and I have always tried to give to others, even though we don't have much ourselves. There have been times when Junior has fixed a strangers car for nothing, or helped a friend when they really needed it. We are always feeding friends who need it, and I am more than willing to provide free childcare for my friends when they need it. I am a big believer in "you get what you give". Getting that visa card today has made me look forward to being able to do something nice for someone else. It may not be tomorrow, or next week, but once we are back on our feet after the move, I am making it my mission to "pay it forward". I feel so blessed, and I want someone else to know this feeling, too.

We are going to my sisters for Christmas, and I am looking forward to spending time with Carson and Lylah. Carson is at that age where everything about Christmas is exciting, and new, and I am looking forward to watching him open his gifts. We are going to my dads on Christmas Eve, and they will be there, too. I love that I get to spend so much time with my sister and her kids...I wish I saw my other sisters as often, too, but they live so far away. I know I am lucky that my family is so close. So many people dreading the holidays, and having to spend time with their families. Junior used to be one of those people. I am so happy he has been able to fit right in with my family, well, at least with some of them. I still get the feeling that certain members of my family aren't too fond of him, but I think that is because they have never taken the time to get to know him. Those who know him, know that he has the biggest heart, and that he would do anything for anyone. Sure, he is a little rough around the edges, but that's what I love about him.

I was also thinking of doing the "end of the year...year in review post", but to be honest, I don't want to relive this past year. It was a tough one, and should be left where it is...in the past. I don't need to be reminded of our financial issues, therapy, breakdowns, living in a crappy apartment that is falling in on us, or any of that. I just want to look forward to 2010, and make it the best year we've had in a while.

Not too much to ask, right?

Six Weeks Later...

2009-12-10T13:54:00.003-05:00

We finally made it back to therapy yesterday. Things went well...they dug a little deeper, and brought up some things Junior doesn't like to talk about, and call it progress. I guess in a way it is, but I hate seeing him so upset.

I say they because we have a new therapist, again. When we were turned over to Cindy way back when, she said she would only be with us until December. Yesterday she brought in a new student, Elizabeth, who will be taking us over. I like her...Junior isn't too sure yet. She's young, and seems to have a different approach to things, and I think that is what is helping Junior the most. Every new therapist has a different way of bringing things out of him, and if yesterday was any indication of what the next six months will hold, I think we are finally heading towards "revelation".

It's weird, but every therapist praises us on our relationship, which to me is just normal. It's just us. It's nothing out of the ordinary. It's just us supporting each other, no matter what.

I guess in this day and age that is a rare thing to find.

And that is pretty sad.

Therapy, Moving Mom, and Swimming

2009-12-07T23:37:00.002-05:00

Therapy Wednesday...the first time in six weeks.

The funny thing is, nothing has happened that is worth talking about.

And that is a really good thing. The only bad thing is that Junior sees this as a reason to quit going. I think that's a bad idea. I know nothing has happened lately, but he still hasn't gotten to the bottom of all his issues, and I think he needs to before he stops.

Besides, I am sure it is only a matter of time before his dad shows back up at his work. Just today Ryan was outside with him, and they saw his dad drive by our house really slow, checking things out. He thinks he's slick because he bought a new vehicle. What he forgets is that my kids bus goes by his house every day, and they are not stupid kids. They told Junior the day the new van showed up. I really don't care, but this bothers Junior that he is driving by again.

I personally think the man needs to get a life. He should be focusing on the two kids who still speak to him, and leave us the hell alone.

Just my opinion.

Anyway, I can not believe Christmas is only three weeks away. Talk about stress! Junior gets paid next week, and we have to shop for all the kids out of that. I am hoping to put off a few bills, but there are some that need to be paid. I have accepted the fact that the kids will be disappointed, but I know my mom is getting them the big things they asked for, so I know they will be happy about that. Somehow Brandi talked her into getting her a hamster, which we all know will become my responsibility. It's a good thing I have experience in this area.

My mom is moving this weekend, which should be fun. It looks like it will be my brother, Ryan and I doing all the work. Colleen can't help because she had surgery recently, and isn't fully healed. Junior has a transmission he already agreed to fix for a coworkers daughter, and Mike has to work. But, I am sure we will get it all done, and mom can start settling in to her new place. Did I mention it has an in ground pool? I will be over there all the time this summer. I love swimming, and it's been a long time since I have been in a "real" pool. Now to focus on losing some weight before wearing a bathing suit in public.

I guess that's about all for this rambling session. I know I keep promising to do better over here, but it's hard. For a stay at home mom I am so busy these days. I have a hard time finding the time to do anything. Hopefully once the new year is here, I can slow down a little.

Maybe then I won't have so many migraines.

Hello, Hello, Hello

2009-11-30T10:45:00.002-05:00

What a great week last week was! I was so busy, and it was so worth it. I got to hang out with family and great friends, and for the most part, I enjoyed every second of it.

I say for the most part, because of course there were moments when I wished the kids were in school and I could find a moment for myself. In an apartment this small, no one has any privacy. Sometimes it can be extremely frustrating. Some days, the only quiet I find is taking a shower.

I can not wait until we move.

We got all the Christmas decorations put up and the tree is assembled. It has lights on it, but no ornaments. The girls are going to do that when they get home from school. Ryan has no interest, which I kind of expected. Junior was going to "make" him participate, but I talked him out of it. He's a 14 year old boy, and this behavior is to be expected, right? I know in a few years he will start wanting to do things as a family again, and I can wait. I don't want to pressure him to do something just to say he did it, you know what I mean?

I found out over the weekend that I am going to be an aunt to another niece, which is awesome. I found out by reading an update on facebook, which kind of hurt my feelings, but whatever. Some things are not worth getting upset about, and as long as the baby is healthy, (which she is) that is all that matters. Now I get to make three little girls name signs, which I am excited to do! I love making girl things.

I finally figured out what all my nieces and nephews are getting for Christmas this year, and it cost me a total of about $8 for all 12. Amazing, right? Thanksgiving night I was sitting, figuring up what bills I could pay with Juniors check Friday, and it dawned on me that he will only get one more paycheck before Christmas. Talk about your heart stopping! I am no where near finished shopping for my kids, and the thought of spending money on anyone else is out of the question. Luckily, inspiration struck when I found something on sale Black friday at Michael's. It's not much, but I believe in the "it's the thought that counts" philosophy, and I did put a lot of time into the gifts, so that's gotta count for something, right? I will post pictures of the ones I made for my kids on my craft blog soon.

I am also planning Brandi's birthday party, and thankfully I planned it so that it is after food stamps kick in for this month. She wants to invite kids from school, but with her being my 3rd kid, I know that kids this age don't come. It wasn't until about 5th grade that Ryan and Kasi has friends come to their parties, and I don't want her to be disappointed. Besides, my house is way to small.

She wants a "wizards of waverly place" party...this kid can't be easy! lol! My mom is in charge of the cake, and since she has no idea what "wizards" are, it should be interesting to see what she comes up with.

Let's see....what else has been going on???

Oh, I lost another 3 pounds. I know, it's crazy. I was totally expecting to see a gain on Saturday morning when I finally got up the nerve to get on the scale, and it showed a loss. I was shocked. I didn't exactly eat well last week, but thinking back, the days we ate badly, I ate badly one meal, and that was pretty much the only time I ate that whole day. Maybe that had something to do with it. I am pretty much convinced that there is something going on with me...maybe blood sugar issues...causing me to lose weight, but I have yet to muster up the courage to google "unexplained weight loss". I really don't want to freak myself out.

I guess that's about it. This week should be quiet, and hopefully I will get the house cleaned and some opps done. Fingers crossed! lol!

Neglected, Once Again

2009-11-23T22:03:00.002-05:00

I don't know why I forget to write over here.

Life has been busy lately. I have a feeling it's just going to get busier with the upcoming holidays. Over the weekend, Brandi put up the Christmas decorations around the house. She did a pretty good job, too. We still have to put up the tree, and for the first time in a really long time, I am not looking forward to it. I think it's because I hate where we live, and it's hard to be festive when the paint is peeling off the ceilings and you are constantly removing slugs from the kitchen floor.

But, this weekend, we will put it up, and it will be beautiful. Brandi's birthday is next Friday, Kasi has several chorus concerts coming up, we still haven't really Christmas shopped for the kids, I have baking to do for tomorrow and Thursday...I am just completely overwhelmed, but in a good way. The busier I am, the faster the next three months will go, and the faster we will get out of this hell hole.

Deep breath.

I have been doing good. I got to see New Moon last Friday with Missy, and we had a blast. the movie was awesome, and I spent the day with no kids, which NEVER happens. It was wonderful. I am still holding steady at 35 pounds lost, and am hoping to make it through the holidays without weight gain. I really want to lose some more weight, and know that I will have to work for it. Losing what I have because of stress was not healthy, and I want to do this the right way. I am still feeling good about myself, which is new for me.

Junior and I missed last therapy session, and will have to cancel this Wednesday, too. Kasi has to go back to the dermatologist to get her stitches out, and hopefully the toxicology report will be back so we can find out what she has growing back there. The ointment that I have been rubbing in twice a day seems to be helping, but she still has a ways to go before it is all gone. I miss talking to Cindy, and we were supposed to have that new therapist sit in, too. Hopefully we can schedule something for next week instead of having to wait for another two.

Things have been quiet around here...no drama, which is wonderful. The kids are happy, Junior and I are great, as always. It's so nice to not have any negativity in our lives. It really does make a difference when you surround yourself with people who lift you up, instead of people who constantly tear you down.

On that note, I am going to finish cooking my pancakes in cafe world.

Slowdown...Who, Me?

2009-11-08T21:05:00.003-05:00

I love being at home. I love days when I do not have to get out of my "comfy" clothes. It seems like the past couple of weeks, I have been "going" more than I have been "staying".

It started when my sister had the baby the day before Halloween, and it hasn't stopped yet. Friday was Ryan's birthday, so we went out to dinner. (for the kids birthdays, they get to pick the restaurant) We invited Missy and her gang to join us, and as usual, we had a blast! I didn't even realize we were in the restaurant for over 2 hours! Of course, it was Golden Corral, so between laughs and babies, we were all shoving our faces. It was sooo good, and of course I left with a tummy ache. In fact, i think we all did! lol! Juior's ex-mother-in-law also met us there, and I think she had a good time, too.

Then yesterday, it was up early to get ready for my niece's 3rd birthday party. They live about an hour away, and of course I wanted to go see Lylah first. The party was fun for Brandi...it was a princess party, and all the little girls dressed in princess dresses. They all looked adorable! We didn't stay long after...my mom has a hard time driving that far in the dark...and headed for a little more time with Collen, Carson, and Lylah. After a yummy dinner of Chinese food, we all hung out for a little while, and then I came home and took some cold/allergy medicine and crashed in bed by 9:30.

As soon as I got up this morning, we went fishing for a bit...no bits so we came back home and just chilled. I had a little ache in my back yesterday that turned into severe pain today every time I move, so I have been keeping the heating pad on it. My mom says to ice it, but it's hard to get the ice exactly where I need it.

The next three days are going to be a little busy, too. Tomorrow we have to pick Kasi up from school for a doctor's appointment. I love my doctors...we have been using them for about 10 years now. But, the latest appointment of the day is 4pm, and Kasi gets off the bus later than that every day, so we have to go pick her up early so she can make her 2:30 appointment. I am taking her for her rash, and am hoping we won't need to make a trip to the dermatologist.

Tuesday is the 10th...food shopping day! Then Brandi is in a Veterans Day program at her school. Don't worry...there will be TONS of pictures taken...maybe even a little video, if Ryan can find his video camera.

Wednesday is therapy. That means it will be at least Thursday before I can be lazy all day. Hopefully I can make some money from some posts this week between the craziness...Christmas is coming, and I have presents to buy! lol!

Hello, Blog World

2009-11-04T22:27:00.002-05:00

I am sick. I have a nasty cold complete with congestion and runny eyes. I have never had the eye problems before, and it is really annoying. I have spent most of the day drying the tears that continuously run down my face.

Not fun.

We went yesterday and straightened things out with our landlords, so for now we are just waiting for everything else to bounce, and then have the stores get into contact with us.

The good thing is that there is finally a light at the end of this tunnel.

It may take us a few months to get there, but at least we can see it.

That makes a big difference in my stress level.

A Little Update

2009-11-03T11:13:00.001-05:00

I now have a new checking account at a different bank, and my son has a new teacher.

So far, today is 50000000 times better than yesterday.

:)

One Of Those Feakin' Days

2009-11-02T20:43:00.003-05:00

I swear. Some days I don't know why I get out of bed. Things start off bad, and they just continue to get worse.

Let's start with my son. When this first happened, I promised not to tell anyone, so that meant no blogging about it. But now he doesn't care, so I have permission to vent a little.

Last Wednesday, I got a phone call from his school. It was one of the assistant principals. He said that the day before, Ryan and two other kids were in the hall, and they were playing with a rubber bracelet that Ryan had brought to school. One of the kids...a girl...took the bracelet and wouldn't give it back. Ryan grabbed her arm to get her to give it to him.

Apparently, this is against school policy.

The girl had broken her arm in three places over the summer, had surgery on it, and when Ryan grabbed her, he twisted it, and she ended up in the nurses office. When she went home and told her parents, they wanted the boy who hurt their daughter suspended.

So he was...for one day.

The assistant principal felt really bad, because he watched the video (I had no idea they had cameras in the halls) and saw that the kids were just horsing around, and there was no viciousness in what Ryan did. He was just trying to get his bracelet back. SO when Ryan got home, I asked him what happened, and he said it was during tutoring. His math teacher decided to work on her bulletin board in the hallway instead of tutoring, and the kids were out there fooling around with her. Now, Ryan is pulled out of another class for tutoring, and if he was doing nothing but hanging out in the hallway, he should have stayed in his regular class.

So Ryan stayed home Thursday, and was my slave. He cleaned, did laundry, washed dishes...all my housework. I mean, he needed to be punished for getting suspended, but it wasn't like he beat someone up. He did what we would all do...it was a reflex action almost. But, he needs to learn to control those reflexes, so he was put to work.

He went back to school on Friday, and this teacher pulled him into the hallway for a private chat when he got to her class. She wanted to thank him for getting her in trouble.

That's right. SHE was in the hallway instead of tutoring...SHE let the kids horse around while she just stood there...SHE was more interested in winning some pizza party bulletin contest.

But it's Ryan's fault that she got into trouble when they watched the video. I should mention that this is the teacher who refused to let Ryan go to the nurse/office last year after he got jumped in the hallway. We have had issues before. Luckily, she moved up to 8th grade this year, so Ryan was lucky enough to get her again. Please note the sarcasm in that last sentence.

She also told him that because he was suspended, as much as she wanted to punish him more, she couldn't. However, if they win the pizza party, she will make him sit and watch the other kids eat and not be able to participate.

Seriously, people, WTF?????

So he comes home Friday and tells Junior and I ( and Missy), but there is nothing I could do, until today.

I want him out of her class. That was extremely unprofessional, and just mean, to pull him out of class and blame him for getting into trouble. My belief is that if she was tutoring like she should have been, the kids wouldn't have been in the hall, they wouldn't have been horsing around, and Ryan never would have been suspended. She didn't do this to any of the other kids who were horsing around with him...just him.

So, this morning, I had him go to guidance first thing, and see if there is a class he can switch into without changing his entire schedule. (he is doing soo good this year...I don't want to mess with that too much) He called me and said there was a class, so I called the assistant principal I dealt with last week to get him switched. When I finally got him on the phone and told him what happened, he said "that doesn't sound like her...she is usually very fair with the kids". You know what? I don't care how she usually is...I only care about what she did to my child. He asked if I had spoken to her about this, and I informed him that that was not a good idea, because I was too upset. I explained how this is not the first incident with Ryan, and I just want him switched. He said that he would have to speak to the teacher, and he would call me back. (she was out of school today, so I will hear from him tomorrow) I just don't understand why he couldn't switch him today. I don't care what the teacher says, I want Ryan out of her class, and I will do whatever I have to do to make that happen.

Ug, so that was my morning.

Then, Junior called around 1:30, and he was pissed. Remember me bitching about those check advance places that were giving us a hard time? Well, we have been working with them, and paying a little every two weeks when Junior gets paid, and it's been fine. I was stressed over nothing. But today, when Junior went into the place to make a payment, they told him not to bother because they got their money this morning. It seems they have been calling the bank every morning, and since we deposited Junior's check on Friday, there was money in our account so they took it.

All of it that was in there.

They took our rent payment, which will now bounce.

I wrote a check for groceries, which will now bounce.

In total, we have five checks that will bounce. Junior called our landlords, and made arrangements to bring them some money tomorrow, but now we have to pay a bounced check fee with them, on top of the $34 the bank will charge. We will be charged a $34 fee for every check, and then whatever those places charge when we go to pick those checks up. We tried calling the grocery stores, and they can't do anything until the checks come back to them.

So, I went online today and applied to open a checking account at another bank. I guess because I did it online it takes a few days to process, so they said I should hear something tomorrow or the next day. I don't know why we wouldn't be approved. If we're not, I am screwed, because I need somewhere to transfer my money to that I make online, and the stupid check place told Junior she will take every cent we deposit until they get all of their money, which I think is another $250. How they can do this, I have no idea.

BUT, we did write them two checks, and we do owe them money. I am not debating that. They just refused to work with us, and then screwed us. It is our own fault. I am not blaming anyone but ourselves. We made a huge frickin' mistake, and now I don't know how to get out of this hole. Luckily, we were able to get some money to cover rent, so we will be okay.

We will be okay.

We will be okay.

We will be okay.

Therapy And Weight Loss

2009-10-29T22:14:00.002-04:00

I'll tell ya'll about therapy in a sec. First I want to discuss my miraculous weight loss.

I say miraculous because I have no idea how I am still losing weight. Okay, maybe I was clued in a little bit today, and few weeks ago, but still.

Let me explain.

Ever since Junior switched to the 4am work schedule, I have been staying up until 2am every night to get him up and off to work. Then I go to bed, get up at 5:15 to get the kids up and ready for the bus, take them to the bus stop, come back home and try to sleep until about 11:30 on most days. That is what time I set the alarm for, but more times than not, I am up before 10.

A few weeks ago, when we were dealing with all the rental issues, Junior was home for a few days. On those days, he would continuously ask me if I wanted something to eat, and I would say no.

All day.

He asked me if I ever eat, and I told him yeah, I just wasn't hungry that day. Or the few days he was home. Turns out, I was just too busy to eat. When I get up for the day, I get on the computer and do what paid posting I can. This may seem easy to some people, but for me it is difficult sometimes. Not only do i have to do the paid posts, but I have to do interesting posts in between. I will admit that some days, my filler posts suck, but my life is not exciting enough to warrant six posts a day. That is when I talk about television and movies.

Anyway, today Ryan was home from school, and he asked if he could fix me lunch. I told him i wasn't hungry, and that was when it hit me.

On any typical day, I only eat supper.

Then a snack or two while I try to stay up until 2am.

But that's it.

No wonder I am losing weight.

This past month it was only about 3 pounds, I think, bringing my total to 35 pounds lost. Not too bad for not trying. I have clothes that I am wearing that haven't fit in years, so I can definitely tell I'm losing. People have also been commenting on it, which is nice.

Now if I could just lose about 50 more....

Junior and I went to therapy yesterday. We switched days because I was going to apply for that candle job, but that didn't work out. We met with Cindy, and the first thing she did was tell us what happened with Bob.

Poor Bob.

He didn't feel like he did anything unprofessional, and felt ambushed when Cindy spoke to him about things in front of their supervisor. She said he was mad at her for a while, but he got over it, and things are good between them. She then asked if we would mind if she brought in another student...a young girl just starting out...next session. We said we didn't mind, so it should be interesting.

As far as the session went, we just hashed over things we have discussed in the past. There was one point where Junior pissed me off so bad I almost started crying. I don't remember specifically what we were talking about, but it had something to do with how he used to not care about drinking and fighting and crap, but since having kids he knows he can't do that anymore. Cindy asked what he meant, and he said something about the kids needing him, so he knew he couldn't screw up his life anymore. She asked if the kids weren't in the picture, and it was just him and I, would he have changed...and he said no.

WTF?

He basically said that I wasn't worth staying out of trouble for.

Of course, as soon as he saw me react to that, he said he didn't mean it the way it came out, and that he just meant that he knew I was strong enough to take care of myself, but the kids aren't.

Whatever.

I know deep down he didn't mean it like that, because even before I found out I was pregnant with Ryan, he gave up his old ways, because I told him he had to choose...me or his drinking.

But it still hurt that he said it.

We are getting to the point in therapy where we are looking closer at our relationship, and how we are coping with being free of his family. Honestly, we are doing great. Better than ever. We may not agree on a lot of things, but when it comes to his family, I stand behind his decisions.

It was his choice to walk away.

It was his choice to sever ties.

It was his choice to let go.

It is my choice to support him, whether I agree with him or not.

It's his family...his decisions...and I will stand beside him.

Always.

Procrastination...Not The Best Way To Go

2009-10-19T22:32:00.003-04:00

I waited too long, and the candle shop took down the help wanted sign.

Sigh.

Junior wasn't too happy about me going to work anyway, so in a way I guess it's a good thing. Brandi was furious and cried for hours when she found out I was going to apply, so I guess it's for the best.

It's not that Junior doesn't want me to work...he doesn't hold me hostage here...he is just afraid that the kids will lose their medicaid if I go to work...and we can not afford family coverage through his job. I mean, it's bad enough we don't have insurance...the kids NEED it, especially Ryan. Now I just have to hope that there is a page rank increase on one of my blogs.

Higher rank = more money.

Junior also fears having to deal with homework and supper and showers and all the evening things I would miss if I was working. I have a routine, and it works, but he hates following "orders", so he would do it his own way, and that is where things will go nuts. So for now, I will do my paid posts, and save money where I can.

I touched on this on my other blog, but it is something that is really on my mind right now.

Christmas.

I am trying not to get stressed out, because I know we always find a way to get the kids what they want. It's just that buying for my nieces and nephews is going to be tough. My sisters always spend more on my kids than I do on their kids, and I hate it that this year, I will be lucky to scrape together the money to spend even $5 per kid.

Sad, I know.

Junior is trying to sell some of his fishing rod holders...with my dad's help...and hopefully those will bring in some money. I am trying to see how long we can go without turning on the heat...that right there will save some money.

Even though it is supposed to be in the 30's tonight.

I think it's time to pull on the fuzzy socks.

A Tough Decision

2009-10-15T23:08:00.003-04:00

I think I mentioned, a few weeks back, that we lost our therapist at therapy. We ended up with a very nice woman, and a man(Bob), who junior was never really comfortable with.

Over the weeks, Junior never really warmed up to Bob. I was willing to give him a chance, but there were things he has said that kind of made me a little uncomfortable. For instance, a few sessions back, as we were wrapping up the hour, Bob said that he was going through a similar situation with his son that Junior is going through with his dad.

Weird. I didn't think the therapists were supposed to share so much about their personal lives. When Junior and I left, we began wondering what he meant. Was he acting like Junior's dad, and being toxic towards his son? Was his son treating him like Junior's dad does him? I was unsettled thinking about it, and told Junior that given the chance, I was going to ask Bob what he meant.

Next session, Bob starts telling us about his car problems. For 30 minutes of our 50 minute session, Cindy (our female therapist) and I just stared off into space while Bob and Junior talked cars. Cindy tried several times to steer the conversation back to Junior's issues, but Bob always ends up talking about himself.

At the end of every session, Cindy always asks if there is anything else we want to say before we end for the week, and I asked Bob about his comment the session before. He started saying how his son is a deadbeat, and can't keep a job, and how his wife is a drug addict, and they are raising his child...and then he pulled out his wallet and started showing us pictures.

Now, his situation is NOTHING like what junior is going through, and I found it extremely unprofessional that he shared so much about himself, and PICTURES! When we left, Junior and I both thought that maybe we should say something to Nancy next time we saw her.

This brings us to today.

Cindy came into the waiting room, and asked if it would be okay if we started our session with Bob because she had to take an emergency phone call, and she would join us in a few minutes. What could we say? So off we go with Bob, and he starts by asking how our last two weeks have been.

Fine. No stress with Junior's family, which has been nice. Then Junior brings up the incident with Ryan getting pushed at school. I won't go into all the details, but Bob ended up telling us how when he was a kid, he was fat, and the kids picked on him, so one day he turned around and punched a kid in the face and then sat on him. This was supposed to make us see that Ryan shouldn't fight back.

Okay, first off, Junior brought up the incident because we disagreed on how Junior handled the situation with the vice principal. I thought what he said to Ryan in front of her was inappropriate, and should have been discussed in private. We were not looking for advice on how to raise our son, and we certainly didn't need to know about Bob's childhood. Again, I found it a little strange that instead of counseling us, he was comparing us to him. That's not what therapists do.

When Cindy walked into the room a few minutes later, she tried to pick up on what we were talking about, but she couldn't follow. So while explaining, it to her, Bob made a comment about Junior being to old and ugly to live like he used to.

WTF?

That was kind of the last straw. I knew Junior was upset, and I think Bob did too, because a few minutes later, he excused himself from the room. Cindy asked if we would excuse her, too, because she had something to tell Bob.

As soon as they were out of the room, Junior looked at me, and was furious. There were other things Bob said that upset Junior, but I don't want to say here because I still think some of his family are being sneaky and reading this. He started to say something when Cindy came back in, and totally shocked us by what she said.

She started by saying that she had too many clients, and that she was trying to find a few who wouldn't mind switching therapist. She asked us if we would like for Bob to become our only therapist, since he has been sitting in on our sessions, and knew us.

Um, no. She said okay, that she would continue to be our therapist.

Then we asked her if Bob could not meet with us anymore.

She asked why, so we told her everything I just told you guys, plus some.

The funny thing was, she said that she had also picked up on everything we said, but she thought it was just her. She said she would bring it up to their supervisor so that he could talk to Bob privately, and let him know what he needs to improve upon.

I feel really bed, because I know these therapists are students, and that they are learning. I don't want to hurt Bob's feelings, but I also want Junior to be comfortable with his therapist, or he will not want to go.

I believe he still needs to go. He is doing wonderfully, and I want him to continue down that path. I think talking to the therapist helps him to deal with things.

So for now, we will continue to see only Cindy. I also asked that she switch our session from Thursday to Wednesday, so that if I decide to apply for that candle job, I can be available on Thursdays.

See what happens when I wait so long to post over here? I have too much to say! lol!

I Need To Do This More Often

2009-10-08T12:18:00.002-04:00

I keep forgetting to update this blog. It's not my main blog, and it gets little traffic, and I mostly use it to write about myself, and since nothing exciting ever happens in my life, I don't write much here.

What have I been up to? Let's see...I still haven't started packing, even though I have 20 or so boxes ready and waiting to be filled. I am hoping to get motivated this weekend, when the kids are home to help. I especially want to do Ryan's room, because his party is next friday, and I want the kids to be able to go in there and not get lost. Yes, it is that messy.

Speaking of Ryan's party...I am still trying to figure out the menu. I want to do chips and finger foods, and I have a few I do every year, but I want something different. I need to look around online to see what I can find. I just need to find the time to do it. My mom called last night, making sure I wanted her to do the cake. She won't tell me what she has planned, but I am sure it will be amazing. I am going to make a few little pumpkin cakes using the pan I bought, too, just to make sure there is enough.

I need to get a grocery list together, too. Our first month back on food stamps kicks in on Saturday, so we are going to get all the party food, and the basic staples we have been doing without. Plus, Food Lion is having an awesome sale on chicken strips, and I use those all the time. Even when I but boneless skinless breasts, I always chop them down into strips. Anyway, I want to stock up on those while they are on sale.

I am still looking for work. I am debating walking down to a candle store that is literally a minutes walk from the end of my driveway. They are looking for part time work, and my friend went in to see if she could get the job, but she wasn't available the hours they are looking for. They need someone to work Thursday and Friday, from 10 until 6. They only pay minimum wage, which really doesn't make it worth it. Plus, I need the 16 and 30th of october free, and those are both Fridays. Maybe if the sign is still up in November, I will go look into it more.

A Mish Mash Of My Day

2009-10-01T22:39:00.002-04:00

Junior took today off to deal with some landlord issues...I am so ready to move!...so we went out and had breakfast at Hardee's. We haven't done this since he started morning shift at work, and it was nice to sit with him, without kids, and have an adult conversation. Not ADULT adult, but just a normal conversation where we talked about Christmas and moving, without little ears around. The one big drawback about our little duplex is that even when the kids are in another room, they can still hear every word we say.

We also went and looked at storage buildings...I wrote about that on my other blog...and when we got home Missy called. We decided to meet up for supper, and I gotta tell you, I had a really good time. This surprised me, because I was on the verge of a panic attack, because the restaurant was sooo busy. But once we were seated, I was okay. I don't know when I got so crazy, either. Those things never used to bother me. Missy's mom came too, and I really enjoy spending time with her, too. If you read Missy's blog, you know how great her sense of humor is. Well, she gets it from her mom, and the two of them together is hysterical. We are all going to go trick or treating together, and I am really looking forward to it!

Junior and I also went to therapy today. It was a good session, where we basically discussed how much improvement Junior has shown in the past year, and deciding what we still have to work on to get him where he needs to be. I think he is well on his way, and his therapist(s) agree. I am so proud of him.

I was proud of myself the other day when we went to Burger King with Brandi, and I was able to sit in a booth. I may have mentioned this before, I don't remember, but I never used to be able to fit in the booths at fast food places. It's nice that I can now.

I guess that's about it. Have a great night!

Sleep, Where Are You?

2009-09-25T15:43:00.003-04:00

I am so tired! Junior left work early today, waking me around 9:30. I had just laid back down! I am extremely happy that tomorrow is Saturday, and I do not have to get up to an alarm. I will enjoy sleeping in, and will kill anyone who disturbs my sleep.

Okay, maybe I won't KILL them, but I can make their day miserable. I am the mom, ya know!

I have been crocheting like a madwoman, trying to get a few things done. I have also been working on a Halloween header for my main blog, and I am dying to put it up...but I will wait until Oct.1st. Hopefully :)

I also finished Ryan's birthday invitations, and they came out really good, if I do say so myself. I am looking forward to his party, and hanging out with friends and family. I want to find some new recipes for this year, so any ideas for Halloween themed foods is greatly appreciated.

Junior and I were discussing what we're going to get the kids for Christmas at lunch today, and it's going to be hard this year. Not only financially, but the kids haven't really asked for anything. Brandi wants a couple of movies...Camp Rock and Princess Protection Program...and that's easy enough. I want to get Ryan a television for his room...his is broken...and the girls will need one for their room when we move, so maybe I will get them a joint gift. Or maybe I will just wait til we get our taxes and buy them. I don't know.

I'm still holding steady with the weight loss. I haven't lost any more weight, but I haven't gained any back, either. Thankfully my life is more stress free every day, so now I need to make a conscience effort to lose. I am liking how I'm feeling these days, so I have faith I can continue down this path.

I guess that's about it for now. Have a great weekend! Ours will be low key, and I'm looking forward to it.

Hidden Surprise

2009-09-16T20:44:00.003-04:00

I was talking to our neighbor, Paige, this afternoon, you know, the one who I fought with over her stupid dog. The past few months she has been as nice as can be, acting as if nothing ever happened between us.

Whatever.

Anyway, we were talking today, and I asked when they were moving, because they just bought a house. She said hopefully in the next four weeks. We got to talking about what happened here yesterday with the phone guy, and she was telling me how she has had mice in her kitchen. She said every night they can hear them running around in the kitchen, and every morning the traps are full.

Gross.

Thank goodness I have the cats, who kill the mice before they can get into my side. She said a few days ago, she came home, and heard something in the cabinet, and assumed it was another mouse. (she is using sticky traps instead of the snap kind) When she opened the cabinet, she found a snake stuck on the trap! Can you imagine?

I know there are snakes around here, because we have caught a few in the minnow trap in the creek, but I didn't know they were coming up to the house. She said Josh (her boyfriend) said the snake was probably after the mice, but still. Kind of makes me a little weary.

Have I mentioned that I can not wait to move?

I asked how the mice and snake got in, and she said her kitchen sink leaks underneath, and it has rotted holes in the boards. She said when she mentioned it to our management company, they said it was something they could live with, so they weren't going to fix it. How crappy is that? I am so glad Junior fixed our plumbing problem, because I have a feeling the management company wouldn't have cared about that, either. Paige said they can not wait to get out.

Neither can we.

My Phone Problem Was Actually A Plumbing Problem

2009-09-15T23:39:00.003-04:00

I was expecting the phone guy between 1 and 3 this afternoon. At 10 til 3, the guy still hadn't shown up. I called Charter, and asked if there was a delay. The guy on the phone looked on his computer, and said the technician had marked my order completed.

WTF?

I told him I had been here all afternoon, with my door open, and he never showed up. The guy said he would call the technician and see what was going on, and call me back. HELLO! My whole issue is that I can not receive incoming calls. I tell him this, and he tells me he'll just put me on hold.

Five minutes later he comes back and says the guy says he knocked on the CLOSED door, and left a tag on the handle. He asked if I lived in a gray duplex. I said yes, then told him to hold on while I went to see if maybe the guy went next door.

Nope.

The guy on the phone tells me to hold on again. Another five minutes and he comes back, saying the technician admitted that he wasn't sure he was at the right place, so they would sent someone else out before 5. He told me that they usually don't send someone else the same day, but because the technician admitted fault, they would.

Well, wasn't that nice of them.

The other technician shows up, and after almost an hour discovers what the problem was. The cordless phone in my bedroom is plugged into a jack that was at the head of my bed. (well, to me it's the foot because I sleep upside down on the bed...I always have...I know I'm weird...it's okay...I own it) The jack had a filter on it from the three days we had DSL when we first moved in, and that filter was laying on the carpet. The carpet was soaking wet, which made the filter soaking wet, which was shorting out my phone line.

Why was it wet, you ask? Because this apartment is a piece of shit.

The duplex was build on a slab. The bathtub is on a step up, with all the plumbing underneath. It seems the pipe that drains the tub came undone, and was leaking underneath. The water went through the wall, into my bedroom, under my bed, so I never noticed. This has been going on for almost two weeks! You can imagine the mess I had to clean up. The carpet is soaked, and I'm hoping it is just in that one area. Junior spent tonight fixing the tub (God knows how long the management company would have taken to come...my tub still leaks and it has been over a year!) and I have to clean out from under my bed in the morning. It looks like the water is just in the one area, so hopefully nothing is ruined.

I am just glad I have my phone back, and I can't wait to move.

Total Random Post About Everything And Nothing, All At The Same Time

2009-09-14T22:52:00.003-04:00

My phone has been broken for over a week now, and I really haven't noticed.

That's pretty sad if you think about it.

I can call out fine, but when someone calls me, all they get is static, and my phone never rings. If they are lucky, they can leave a message. It took a few days before I even knew that was happening.

You see, no one, other than family, ever calls me.

Except Missy.

Kinda sad, right?

I guess it's a good thing I really don't like talking on the phone.

I broke down today and called to have the line fixed, because my sister is having a baby on friday, and I want to make sure I get "the call" when baby Jake is here safe and sound.

They are coming tomorrow between 1 and 3. I hate when I am the only one home for repair men, but what can you do? Hopefully it is something they can fix without coming in the house.

In other "news", I am holding steady at 30 pounds lost. I told my mom yesterday I was a little worried that maybe there was something wrong with me, because I have lost this weight pretty much without trying. Sure, we haven't had much food in the house, so I haven't been eating, but I have dieted before and never had these kinds of results.

All the check places have tried to deposit the checks, and we have been paying bounced check fees for a couple of weeks now. I believe the last of the fees were paid with the money I deposited this morning from my paid posts, so hopefully we can keep our account out of the hole. The check places are now calling, trying to work with us. Why they couldn't do this before, I have no idea. Junior is going to go talk to them all on Friday, and hopefully be able to make some sort of reasonable payment arrangements. Fingers crossed.

I am getting so excited about moving, and a little nervous at the same time. I think most of my anxiety is going to be about finding the right place. I know tons of places check your credit these days, and ours isn't so good. I hope we can find a three bedroom that is not a dump. I am tired of living in a place that is falling apart.

Junior is going tomorrow to apply us for food stamps again. We used to get them, and could really use them right now until we get things straightened out. I used an online calculator, and we should get about $175 a month, which will help a lot, although I have gotten really good at buying a weeks worth of groceries for about $40 a week. We plan on doing the parking lot sale again this weekend, and that will help a lot too.

My legs are killing me today from all the walking at the zoo yesterday. I really need to make it a point not to sit so long at this computer every day. Hopefully when we move I can start walking again. The roads around here just aren't safe enough.

I guess that's about it. I really should get up and go clean the bathroom, but I probably won't. It will still be there in the morning.

30!

2009-09-09T21:26:00.002-04:00

I am down 30 pounds!!!! Holy crap!!!!!

The sad thing is, I am not even trying. It's the lack of food in the house, and stress.

Who thought having no money would have a bright side?

I put on jeans today that I haven't worn in years!

On another note, Junior and I decided today that we are going to move in February. I am tired of the roof leaking, my bathtub faucet continuously running, and here's the straw that broke the camels back.

Remember when we asked about putting up the pool, and they said sure, but we would have to pay the difference in the water bill? Well, they charged us $40 to fill a 12 foot pool a foot and a half deep. There is no way in hell it took that much water. I told Junior he should have questioned it, and asked to see the bill, but he said it is easier just to pay it.

Whatever. We went today, and found the cutest 3 bedroom trailer. I wish we never resigned the lease. I wish we could move today. But, we are stuck here until February. I will not break our lease. Plus, we will have more money in February to move. It is a priority this time that we find something with three bedrooms, even if it is a trailer. They do have some nice ones nowadays.

More Applications

2009-09-08T23:39:00.003-04:00

I am going to spend tomorrow trying to find a part time job. I did this a few months ago, and never got a single phone call. I am hoping for better luck this time.

We are struggling just like a lot of people right now, and I am trying not to let it get me down. Life is sometimes like a snowball...we get behind on one thing, and bam...it's late fees and NSF fees and overdraft fees...and then there is no money left to pay the bills. It sucks, and I can't see a way out right now, which is why I need to find a job, which is a lot easier said than done.

I wish Junior was working third shift again, then I could work during the day. But his job no longer offers third shift. I wish I could go back to making more money from home, but google is what it is, and I am patiently awaiting the next update.

If I can't find a job, the first things to go will be my internet and cable. I don't want to do that, but that is the only monthly bill we can get rid of. We have to make our car payment. We have to have power. We have to have car insurance. We have to pay rent. We don't HAVE TO have cable and internet, but it's the only luxury we allow ourselves. If we get rid of it, we have nothing, and that would suck even more.

Ug, this sounds like another pity party for me, but in reality, it helps me to feel better to write. To get things off my chest.

I feel better already.

Therapy On Thursday

2009-09-03T21:07:00.002-04:00

We went to therapy today. It's the first time we have been with the new therapists.

Did you catch that?

I said therapists. We have two.

One is the lady we met last session, whose name is Cindy. And then we have a man, whose name I can not remember. We spent the hour going over the past year, and filling these two therapists in on Junior's issues with his family. Not a productive hour, but it allowed the therapists to get an idea of the things Junior has been through. I know it is hard for him to talk about some of those things, so he wasn't in a very good place when we left. But, we stopped for the last of our free shakes from Zaxby's on the way home, and chocolate always helps when you're feeling blue.

Junior still isn't sure how he feels about the therapists. I like Cindy, but I'm not sure about the man. He seemed kind of, oh, I don't know what word I am looking for. Maybe it's just me, because I feel more comfortable with a woman. I don't know. Hopefully next session will be a little more comfortable for everyone.

My mom came over for supper tonight. She didn't stay too long, but we enjoyed having her eat with us. I just served the second tray of chicken pot pie I made yesterday with some mac and cheese. I am on this cooking kick lately. Maybe it's the fact that we have limited funds right now, and I have no choice but to be creative with what I make.

I lost another pound...I'm down 26! Yay! I haven't told Junior, and he hasn't noticed, which kind of sucks, but I guess because he sees me every day it's hard for him to tell. He is also losing weight...I think he is down 12 pounds...and I don't want to discourage him by losing more. I know it usually pisses me off when he loses more than me. So for now, I will keep quiet, and try and lose more.

I have a busy weekend ahead...plans with Missy to go "parking lot shopping" on Saturday morning. From what I understand, this particular grocery store puts all it's "almost out of date" food in the parking lot, and you pay $7 to fill a box with whatever you can. When I called for the details yesterday, they said it's a kind of free for all, and that everyone goes at the same time, so it's a mad house. Sounds like fun, right? LOL! I am really looking forward to it. They also said to bring a partner, so Ryan and I will work together. This is at 9am. Then I am going with my mom to Rock Hill for a birthday party at 1. Ryan is staying with Junior, and I will take the girls with me.

Monday we are planning a trip to the zoo. It's been a while since we have been to this zoo, so I am looking forward to it. Plus, I get to see elephants, and you all know how much I love that!

Yard Sale Failure

2009-08-29T20:24:00.003-04:00

Junior's ex mother-in-law, Jean, asked me last week to do a yard sale with her this morning. Even though I had nothing to sell, I agreed to help her out. Junior got together a few old power tools, and I brought all of my signs, you know, the "welcome" and "keys" signs that I make?

We spoke to her last night, and she asked us to be at her house by 7. Well, I don't do mornings well, so we got there around 8.

She wasn't there.

Since I brought my own table, Junior and I set up, and waited.

And waited.

Not one car stopped all morning.

Jean finally came out of the house around 9, and said she had too much to do, and wouldn't be able to do the yard sale with us.

By 11, we were ready to call it quits.

As we were getting ready to pack up, she came over and asked what we would take for everything we were selling. Junior told her $45 for his stuff, and $40 for my signs.

She bought it all. I wish I had sold my signs individually, I would have made more money, but now she has Christmas gifts for her family, and I have some cash, which is much needed around here. Of course, it is going right to bills, but they were bills we couldn't pay yesterday, so that's good.

It just sucks having no "play" money, although I did spend a little of my paid posting money to get Kasi a Christmas gift for all of $4.

I wish it was February...we really need that tax refund right now.

Can This Be Right?

2009-08-26T23:15:00.002-04:00

I got on the scale this morning, and was convinced it was broken.

Since Kasi was weighed at the doctors office two weeks ago, I knew what she would weigh, so I had her get on the scale when she got home.

My scale says she is four pounds heavier than the doctors scale.

Okay, so my scale is off, but in the wrong direction.

I thought it was weighing lighter, not heavier.

So, according to my scale, not the doctors, I have lost about 25 pounds, give or take a few ounces.

I guess there is a good side to stress and not having money to have junk food in the house. Since it's not here, I don't eat it, and apparently, that was a big issue for me.

I hope this trend continues....

Tuesday

2009-08-25T23:35:00.002-04:00

How's that for a title?

So, it's Tuesday. We still don't have a solution to our monetary problem, and the check places refuse to work with us right now. They are going to try and cash the checks, and then get into contact with us. That means about $100 in NSF fees, but what can we do?

It is what it is.

Free milkshakes from Zaxby's helped today. We have been so broke, eating out has not been an option, so going to a restaurant, even though it was just for milkshakes, was fun. The first one we went to, we waited about 45 minutes for them to tell us they ran out of shakes, so they gave us coupons for free shakes. As we were leaving, Ryan ran up to the counter and asked for his coupons, and got three more free coupons, and two strawberry shakes.

I really wanted my shake, so we went to another Zaxby's, and saw that they had signs on the doors saying they were out of shakes, too. We went in anyway, figuring we would get more coupons, but when we went to the register, the cashier said they did have shakes. Seems kind of wrong to put up signs saying you don't when you do, but whatever. In the end, we all ended up with our chocolate shakes, and I have 8 coupons for free shakes.

On another note, Junior and I got the kids back on their medicaid...thanks God...and we are going to reapply for food stamps. I used the online calculator, and it says we should get about $185 a month, which isn't too much, but will definitely help out a bunch. I also got the letter saying they qualified for free breakfast/lunch...have I mentioned that already???...which is a huge burden lifted. I am also going to reapply online for some jobs, but am not very hopeful. My friend Nicole has been looking for months, and says no one is hiring, not even minimum wage jobs.

I guess we will just continue to take it one day at a time, and see what happens.

All Cried Out

2009-08-23T20:29:00.003-04:00

We went fishing this morning with my mom. I was so on edge, ready to break down at any moment, and after about five minutes in my moms car, I lost it. I think she asked if Junior was in a bad mood, and I just started bawling.

Then I spent most of the rest of the day crying.

But, I feel better being able to talk things over with my mom. She offered to try and help us, but I can't let her. She has enough going on right now, she doesn't need to worry about my problems. That was why I didn't want her to know in the first place.

I am still not sure what tomorrow will bring.

I still don't know how we are going to get through this.

But I know we WILL get through it.

And I KNOW that I have so many things to be thankful for, because there are so many people who have less than we do.

I am blessed to have family, and friends, who listen and offer words of wisdom.

I have my health, and my kids are healthy, and Junior is healthy, and employed.

I am contributing, and there should be a google update soon, and hopefully I will make more money after that...I have my fingers crossed for 3's on my blogs...not this one, though. This is where I vent, and I don't network this one like I do the others.

I know there is a brighter day on the horizon...I just need to get there.

Less Stressed

2009-08-23T08:53:00.002-04:00

If you happened to have visited last night or early this morning, you got to read a post I wrote that, looking at this morning, was too"woe is me" and whiny, so I took it down. I felt like sharing my current situation sounded like I was asking for money, and that was totally not my intention. I was just really down, and needed to get things off my chest, and because my sisters don't really understand money issues, and would think I was asking for money, I don't talk to them. It was nice, though, to vent a little.

That's what this blog is all about.

Oh, and thanks to Sabrina and Miss Donna for their kind words...I love you guys!

Lost

2009-08-20T12:13:00.002-04:00

I have been looking forward to the kids starting school for a few weeks now, but now that they have, I don't know what to do with myself. Sure, I have my housework, but in an apartment this small, it doesn't take very long to get everything done. The quiet was nice the first day, but now I kind of miss the chaos.

I need to get over myself and find something to do.

I sit here at the computer a good part of the day, waiting for opps and stuff, but that gets boring really quickly. I was going to make some meatballs today to freeze for later use (I got a huge things of meat on sale yesterday) but I don't have breadcrumbs. Hopefully I will still be motivated to do that tomorrow...if I can talk Junior into going out later for some breadcrumbs. I made a turkey a couple of days ago, so we have been eating the leftovers of that. Last night, Kasi sat and pulled the meat apart, then I simmered it with barbecue sauce..it tasted just like a pulled pork sandwich, but better for you, since it was turkey breast. Man, my mouth is watering just thinking about it.

I have been trying to come up with cheap meals, since we are low on grocery money. (we're low on ALL money, but that's another post) It's expensive feeding a family of 5. Luckily, according to the paperwork we filled out, the kids should qualify for free lunch. That will be a big relief.

Remember a few months ago I applied online for a job? I never heard from ANYONE! I can not believe that the grocery stores aren't even hiring. Even fast food places are getting more applications than they know what to do with. I could probably go back to McDonald's, but I just can't do it. I didn't exactly leave on good terms, and the store I worked at, and the store closest to me have the same owners. I don't want to come off sounding racist, but both stores now have more Mexican workers than white workers, and all the do is speak Spanish to each other. I wouldn't even understand them! I have my fingers crossed that when the next google update happens, I will get my pr3 back, so I can make better money online, so I can continue to work from home. It would be hard for the kids if I wasn't here in the evenings. Junior can do a lot of things, but homework help and baths are kind of my territory. I don't think he would have the patience for it. (I don't bathe the kids myself anymore...that would be weird...but I do have to have some type of schedule to get everyone done...and Junior isn't a schedule kind of guy...and I would probably end up with stinky kids who hadn't bathed in weeks)

Anyway, I am getting excited about all my new nieces or nephews who are going to be born soon. My older sister Tami is scheduled to have Jake on Sept. 18, and I can not wait! I know she is more than ready to have him. Colleen, my youngest sister, should have her little one the end of October...she is due around Ryan's birthday...the beginning of November...but will have a scheduled section, so they will do that a week or so before her due date. My brother and his wife just found out recently that they are having twins...she is due the end of March. I don't think she will make it that far, because she has delivered all four other kids early. That's four babies in the next seven months! I need to get crocheting! lol!

I got the bill the other day from the hospital we took Kasi to when she burned her arm...almost $1000. I think it was around $960. I think that is a little excessive for cleaning a burn and slapping some cream on it. I am hoping once we get them reinstated on their Medicaid, they will cover it. I was told they go back three months, so it shouldn't be a problem. I just hope it doesn't take too long for them to push the paperwork through, because Ryan needs his medicine every month, and it is expensive if I have to pay out of pocket. We are already trying to figure out how we are going to pay the current bills...I don't need another one added in.

I think I have done enough rambling...if you made it to the end of this, congrats. I know it's a lot of dribble, but it makes me feel better to get everything off my chest.

Where Does The Time Go?

2009-08-16T23:24:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow is the last morning I get to sleep in. Tuesday it is back to getting up at 5:20 am and helping the kiddos get off to school.

Where did the summer go?

In fact, where did this last year go?

It seems like only yesterday that we moved into this apartment. Heck, it seems like only yesterday that Ryan was born. It doesn't seem right that I am 37 years old, and that next year is my 2o year HS reunion. I have no intentions of going, but it's just crazy thinking that I have been out of school for so long.

When did I get so old????

On a different note, I got on the scale the other day...and was pleasantly surprised. Seems I have lost about 21 pounds in the last couple of months. I blame losing our food stamps...no money to buy food means there is no food in the house to eat. The sucky thing is that I am so heavy, people don't notice the loss. But that's okay. I tend to do better when people don't know I am losing. I am hoping I can keep this up, which shouldn't be too hard with the kids back in school. I may even break out the old Richard Simmons tapes.

We went to the movie in the park the other night, and I was kind of disappointed when we left early. It's times like that when I hate being depended on other people for transportation. Sure, the kids weren't watching the movie...they were playing frisbee. I wasn't watching either...I was too busy gossiping with Missy. I hated that they left because we left...it felt like I ruined the whole night. But, the time we were there was great! Kasi won something this time, a crock pot cook book. I was looking through it before, and there are a few recipes I would like to try. I also came home with the breakfast cookbook Missy won last time...she knew I was drooling over it, and let me have it...she has such a huge heart!...and there are tons of recipes in that one that are calling my name.

Other than that, it has been a quiet, boring weekend, which is what I enjoy.

I hope you had a good one, too.

Thoughts

2009-08-13T17:15:00.002-04:00

We met with the new therapist today. Kelsey was there too, but this was our last session with her. I don't know what I think about the new lady. While Kelsey was young and quick to laugh, the new therapist is a little older, and more....um....mothering, maybe is a good word. She is soft spoken, yet animated, and when she speaks it feels like she is hugging you. Is she a good fit for us? I'm not sure. Junior doesn't think so. I told him we need to give her a chance, and not be dismissive without getting to know her a little better. Besides, we only see her every other week, and in 6 months she graduates the program and we'll get someone else, so in reality, we will only see her about 12 more times. I am hoping she can put a new perspective on Junior's issues, and maybe help him see things in a different, and maybe better, way than Kelsey did. We'll see.

I have had one of those days today, though. The landlord called this afternoon about a car that belongs to a coworkers of Junior's that has been in our yard for the past 6 weeks. He keeps telling her to come move it, and she always has an excuse. Now the landlord said it has to go, so she needs to get it this weekend. If she doesn't, Junior said he will tow it back to where he got it from, which was a friend of her's house. Why do people have to be so difficult?

Then I get a letter in the mail...final notice...for our power bill. Seems I misread our bill, and thought we had until Monday to pay it. Turns out we had until 5pm yesterday. That's right. I got a notice today, saying the current balance was due yesterday, or they would disconnect. I got right on the phone, and tried to make payment arrangements. They wouldn't even consider it because I didn't call yesterday before 5. This was an honest mistake on my part, and now instead of the $113 that was past due, they want all $273. They wouldn't even just take the past due. So I called Junior at work to ask him what we should do, when Ryan came inside and said there was a guy behind the house walking around. Sure enough, the power company came to disconnect. I had to BEG the man to give me an hour to go pay it, and he was nice enough to do that for me. But now I don't know how I am going to cover the extra money THAT I DON'T HAVE in my account. It will be in there next Friday, but I am sure the check will hit the bank before then. It seems like every time we do something around here, everything else goes to shit. We take our first vacation in two years, and things fall apart.

BUT, I am not stressing. The worst that is going to happen is the bank pays the check, and slaps us with a $34 fee. I can live with that. I can not, however, live without power. We kinda need that to stay cool and play online :).

I am hoping the rest of today is uneventful. I have started the kids back on their bedtimes, and we are slowly getting back into our school routines. The only thing left to get are book bags, and that's something their Nana does for them every year as a "back to school" kind of thing. We're going to the last movie in the park with her this weekend, so we'll probably hit a walmart before the movie.

Anyway, I gotta run. Junior just got back, and we have a yard to straighten up. All the camping stuff is still thrown everywhere, and it needs to be put back in the shed. I may as well go help...

Relaxed

2009-08-12T23:24:00.002-04:00

Aside from kasi's little adventure, we had a wonderful camping trip. We swam, we fished, we tanned. I can not remember the last time I just did nothing. And I mean N O T H I N G! When we got up Thursday morning, it was about 9. We ran and got ice for the coolers, and were back and in the lake by 10. I spent all day swimming and floating around on my float. I cooked burgers on the grill for lunch, and hot dogs for supper. The kids ate whenever they wanted, whatever they wanted. I can not remember the last time they went so long without arguing.

I can not even begin to explain the feeling of helplessness that I felt when kasi fell into the fire pit. I didn't know what to do for her. She wanted ice, which I later found out was a bad idea. I did the only thing I could...I got her to the hospital. It's so hard knowing there is nothing you can do to make your child better. Luckily, it never really hurt...my mom told my sister she could have burned the nerves, which would block the pain. They gave her some lortab at the hospital, more for themselves, I think. They kept telling her it was okay if she said it hurt, because it SHOULD hurt. That was the first time she has ever taken a pain pill like that, and she was quite loopy. It did help her sleep, which is what she needed. I thank God that she didn't burn her face, because that's how she fell...face first. She put out her arm to protect her face. It was also luck that she didn't fall into the flame. That would have been really bad.

We call Kasi klutz, because she is always falling and stuff. This was typical Kasi, falling like she did. Earlier in the day, when they were at the park, she fell chin first into the ground, and skinned her chin and both knees. It's amazing that she has yet to break a bone.

Friday, I felt so bad for her. I was ready to come home so she would be more comfortable. She insisted that we stay. She couldn't get wet, but she put her feet in the water and fished.

Anyway, I remembered what it felt like to have no worries. For four days, I didn't worry about the bills. I didn't worry about how many comments I was getting on my blog. I didn't stress over the fact that I fell off the front page of entrecard because I didn't drop for four days. I wasn't checking the computer every thee minutes for open opps.

I enjoyed my family. They are the four most important people in my life, and it felt wonderful to give them all of my attention. Kasi and I played cards, Brandi and I found critters (I have pictures of her snail and turtle and frog) and Ryan and I swam the lake.

I can not wait to go back next year.

Just Some Rambling

2009-08-02T16:18:00.003-04:00

Therapy was good on Thursday. We didn't meet the new therapist, which kinda sucks, because now we just have one week with both of them before Kelsey leaves the program. It was a weird hour, because we really didn't talk about anything. We did talk about the kids, which was nice. I am all about bragging about my kiddos.

I am doing better...the tooth is finally giving me a break. I can no longer put off having it pulled, and will do it once the kids get back in school and I can come up with the money. Hopefully it won't be too long, because I have a feeling the pain will be back sooner than it normally is. I have been battling with this tooth for years, and it has NEVER hurt this bad before. I am actually looking forward to it being gone.

Kasi is off with my mom for the next few days. My brother and his wife went on a cruise, and my mom is babysitting their girls. Since my mom has fibromyalsia, she needs Kasi to help her run up and down the stair, and entertain the kids. My phone rang last night, after 10, and it was Kasi. Everyone else was sleeping, and I think she was a little lonely. She was about to get upset, so I told her we would come and get her. (she's an hour away) She said she way okay, and wanted to stay, and then asked to talk to Brandi. I love that my girls are close. Brandi was bored out of her mind yesterday because she missed her sister. Kasi will be home right before we leave to go camping on Wednesday.

I have almost everything packed, except for clothes and towels. I need to do some laundry first. I am so afraid that I am going to forget something...we'll see.