Almost To 100!

I can not believe that I can say that!  I still have a few pounds to go, but I am almost there. 

Yay!

Can't Do It

I just wrote a post, but I can't find it in my heart to post it.

And that makes me sad.

It was all about this journey I am on, and how proud I am of myself, but I don't want nosy eyes reading it.

I used to love to blog...now, I have to censor myself, and that flat out sucks.

So, if you want to read my post, I will be happy to message it to you on Facebook. 

I just can't post it here. 

I wish people would just leave me alone, and let me live my own life. 

I mean, enough already.

Changes

I have always feared change.  I am a creature of habit...I love my routines.

Lately, my life has been anything but routine.  I have changed so much, and I am finding that I love the new me. 

I am so happy. 

For the past 16 years, I have lived for my family.  They were my everything.  I didn't have many friends, and none were close friends.  I guess you could say I had acquaintances.  These days, I have friends.  Friends who love me for me, and who are helping me so much as I figure out where I am meant to be at this point in my life.  My family has been amazing as well.  I don't know if I would have made it through the past two months without their help and support. 

I am truly blessed.

I have realized that there are people I can depend on, and people I can't. 

I have confidence, and not only because I have lost weight, but because I like who I am now.  On the inside as well as the outside. 

I realized that being a single mom is hard.  Really hard. 

But I can do it.  I am doing it.  Sure, I have to depend on people to help me, and as I said, I am lucky to have people I can depend on. 

My kids are still my life.  I live for them.  I work for them.  I do everything I can for them. 

But I have also learned that I need to do things for myself as well.  I am not to the point where I want to date, but it's nice knowing that I will have that option.  It's nice having friends I can go out to the bar with every once in a while to listen to some music and just hang out. 

I can't believe how much I love driving, and it kills me that I waited almost 40 years to do it.  I can't help but think about how different my life would have turned out if I learned to drive when I was a teenager.  I wonder if it would have made a difference in my marriage?

Probably not.

I am counting down the months until I can get my divorce.  There is, obviously, no chance of a reconciliation, and I want to get on with my life.  I hate that I have to wait a year, but at least it gives me something to look forward to. 

I probably won't be blogging for a while, with the move and all coming up.  I have been slack with it anyway, and the paid offers are few and far between these days.  I guess that's what happens when you stop networking.  My numbers are horrible, and I don't even really care anymore. 

I have more important things going on now...

As Of This Morning...

I have lost a total of 72 pounds.  I can not believe it!

I am trying so hard to lose another 50 more, and then I will be where I want to be.  It's easier now to see that it might be possible since I am already more than halfway to my goal. 

Go me!

Life

I have been having a hard time finding time to sit down and blog lately.  It's funny, really.  I used to do nothing but blog, and now, I am doing so much, I'm hardly blogging at all.  I do my paid posts, because I really need that money right now, but writing about what is going on in my life right now holds no interest for me.  I'm craving privacy right now. 

I can say that I am still swimming, and it is really making a difference in my appearance.  I need to take some pictures, because I am looking good.  Seriously.  As I've said before, I am not lacking confidence these days.  My best friend made me go and have my eyebrows waxed yesterday, which was a first for me.  Can you say ouch?  I was such a wimp, but I do look better now.  She keeps saying that she needs to "fix" me, which I think is pretty funny because I didn't realize I was broken. 

I made a decision about moving, and it is probably going to happen sooner rather than later.  As soon as I get my license, I will move to my moms and just drive the kids to school for the rest of the year.  The thought of packing up my house sends me into a state of panic, but I know I need to get started.  I plan on getting some boxes tomorrow.  Tuesday I have a million things to do, including a meeting with Ryan's counselor at school to discuss his last few years in high school.  That's going to be fun.

For now, I am going to my dad's house to celebrate March birthdays.

A Rough Night

Tonight, Kasi had a concert.  We went as a family, and it was soooo hard on me.  As hard as I try, there are still things that upset me, and sitting in the audience, knowing that this is how it is going to be from now on, was more than I could take.  I don't want to have to split the things the kids do...I just need time, and I think that is hard for some people to understand.  Even though I do not want in any way to reconcile with my husband, I am mourning the loss of my marriage.  It is not an easy thing, no matter how upbeat I sound all the time. 

I also have a horrible habit of speaking what is on my mind without really thinking.  I have got to stop doing that.  I find myself continuously apologizing, and it's making me crazy.  I told Bob today that I think I might need to go see my doctor to get some type of nerve pills or something. 

Either that, or I need to learn how to make margaritas at home.

She Let Herself Go

There is this country song that talks about a woman whose husband left, so she let herself go....she let herself do all the things her husband held her back from doing.  I think George Straight sings it, but I'm not sure.

I feel like that woman.

I have been doing so many new things, it's crazy.  Most of you know that I am now driving, though I can only drive with someone for now since I only have my permit.  I have always said that I was afraid to drive, but let me tell you, I am loving it!  I am good at it, too.  My friend Donna has been letting me drive everywhere...I even tackled merging onto the interstate, something I was terrified to do.

I went out, too.  My same friend's brother took us out to eat at a steakhouse (something Bob and I could never afford) and then for drinks at a bar where we listened to a band and I laughed like crazy.  Seriously, I can not remember the last time I had so much fun with adults.

I have been swimming every day at a local pool.  I go with Donna every morning once the kids get on the bus, and spend an hour or two doing laps.  We started last Wednesday, and I can already tell that I am toning up a little.  My legs are a little more flexible, and my pants are a bit loser.  I am sure it has nothing to do with the almost 20 pounds I have lost recently. :)

Oh, I have been wearing makeup, too.  This is something I haven't done the entire time I was married.  (well, I guess I am still technically married...what the hell am I supposed to call him...I'm still a little fuzzy about that) I am actually taking pride in my appearance, and people are noticing.  I like that people notice.  It makes me feel good.

The kids and I are going to continue seeing Elizabeth.  Last week, she spoke to the kids alone for the first time, and I will find out tomorrow what she thinks.  During our session last week, I asked her how much it will cost for us to come, since Bob was going through a free clinic, and I'm not covered to go alone.  She made me cry when she told me that she would see us for a long as we wanted and not charge us anything.  She said she loves us all, and is more interested in us getting better than making money.  I seriously love this woman.  I am looking forward to tomorrows session.

For this week, though, I have got to concentrate on finding a job.  Not one place that I applied to has called yet, and I have to do something.  Any ideas????