Almost To 100!

I can not believe that I can say that!  I still have a few pounds to go, but I am almost there. 

Yay!

Can't Do It

I just wrote a post, but I can't find it in my heart to post it.

And that makes me sad.

It was all about this journey I am on, and how proud I am of myself, but I don't want nosy eyes reading it.

I used to love to blog...now, I have to censor myself, and that flat out sucks.

So, if you want to read my post, I will be happy to message it to you on Facebook. 

I just can't post it here. 

I wish people would just leave me alone, and let me live my own life. 

I mean, enough already.

Changes

I have always feared change.  I am a creature of habit...I love my routines.

Lately, my life has been anything but routine.  I have changed so much, and I am finding that I love the new me. 

I am so happy. 

For the past 16 years, I have lived for my family.  They were my everything.  I didn't have many friends, and none were close friends.  I guess you could say I had acquaintances.  These days, I have friends.  Friends who love me for me, and who are helping me so much as I figure out where I am meant to be at this point in my life.  My family has been amazing as well.  I don't know if I would have made it through the past two months without their help and support. 

I am truly blessed.

I have realized that there are people I can depend on, and people I can't. 

I have confidence, and not only because I have lost weight, but because I like who I am now.  On the inside as well as the outside. 

I realized that being a single mom is hard.  Really hard. 

But I can do it.  I am doing it.  Sure, I have to depend on people to help me, and as I said, I am lucky to have people I can depend on. 

My kids are still my life.  I live for them.  I work for them.  I do everything I can for them. 

But I have also learned that I need to do things for myself as well.  I am not to the point where I want to date, but it's nice knowing that I will have that option.  It's nice having friends I can go out to the bar with every once in a while to listen to some music and just hang out. 

I can't believe how much I love driving, and it kills me that I waited almost 40 years to do it.  I can't help but think about how different my life would have turned out if I learned to drive when I was a teenager.  I wonder if it would have made a difference in my marriage?

Probably not.

I am counting down the months until I can get my divorce.  There is, obviously, no chance of a reconciliation, and I want to get on with my life.  I hate that I have to wait a year, but at least it gives me something to look forward to. 

I probably won't be blogging for a while, with the move and all coming up.  I have been slack with it anyway, and the paid offers are few and far between these days.  I guess that's what happens when you stop networking.  My numbers are horrible, and I don't even really care anymore. 

I have more important things going on now...

As Of This Morning...

I have lost a total of 72 pounds.  I can not believe it!

I am trying so hard to lose another 50 more, and then I will be where I want to be.  It's easier now to see that it might be possible since I am already more than halfway to my goal. 

Go me!

Life

I have been having a hard time finding time to sit down and blog lately.  It's funny, really.  I used to do nothing but blog, and now, I am doing so much, I'm hardly blogging at all.  I do my paid posts, because I really need that money right now, but writing about what is going on in my life right now holds no interest for me.  I'm craving privacy right now. 

I can say that I am still swimming, and it is really making a difference in my appearance.  I need to take some pictures, because I am looking good.  Seriously.  As I've said before, I am not lacking confidence these days.  My best friend made me go and have my eyebrows waxed yesterday, which was a first for me.  Can you say ouch?  I was such a wimp, but I do look better now.  She keeps saying that she needs to "fix" me, which I think is pretty funny because I didn't realize I was broken. 

I made a decision about moving, and it is probably going to happen sooner rather than later.  As soon as I get my license, I will move to my moms and just drive the kids to school for the rest of the year.  The thought of packing up my house sends me into a state of panic, but I know I need to get started.  I plan on getting some boxes tomorrow.  Tuesday I have a million things to do, including a meeting with Ryan's counselor at school to discuss his last few years in high school.  That's going to be fun.

For now, I am going to my dad's house to celebrate March birthdays.

A Rough Night

Tonight, Kasi had a concert.  We went as a family, and it was soooo hard on me.  As hard as I try, there are still things that upset me, and sitting in the audience, knowing that this is how it is going to be from now on, was more than I could take.  I don't want to have to split the things the kids do...I just need time, and I think that is hard for some people to understand.  Even though I do not want in any way to reconcile with my husband, I am mourning the loss of my marriage.  It is not an easy thing, no matter how upbeat I sound all the time. 

I also have a horrible habit of speaking what is on my mind without really thinking.  I have got to stop doing that.  I find myself continuously apologizing, and it's making me crazy.  I told Bob today that I think I might need to go see my doctor to get some type of nerve pills or something. 

Either that, or I need to learn how to make margaritas at home.

She Let Herself Go

There is this country song that talks about a woman whose husband left, so she let herself go....she let herself do all the things her husband held her back from doing.  I think George Straight sings it, but I'm not sure.

I feel like that woman.

I have been doing so many new things, it's crazy.  Most of you know that I am now driving, though I can only drive with someone for now since I only have my permit.  I have always said that I was afraid to drive, but let me tell you, I am loving it!  I am good at it, too.  My friend Donna has been letting me drive everywhere...I even tackled merging onto the interstate, something I was terrified to do.

I went out, too.  My same friend's brother took us out to eat at a steakhouse (something Bob and I could never afford) and then for drinks at a bar where we listened to a band and I laughed like crazy.  Seriously, I can not remember the last time I had so much fun with adults.

I have been swimming every day at a local pool.  I go with Donna every morning once the kids get on the bus, and spend an hour or two doing laps.  We started last Wednesday, and I can already tell that I am toning up a little.  My legs are a little more flexible, and my pants are a bit loser.  I am sure it has nothing to do with the almost 20 pounds I have lost recently. :)

Oh, I have been wearing makeup, too.  This is something I haven't done the entire time I was married.  (well, I guess I am still technically married...what the hell am I supposed to call him...I'm still a little fuzzy about that) I am actually taking pride in my appearance, and people are noticing.  I like that people notice.  It makes me feel good.

The kids and I are going to continue seeing Elizabeth.  Last week, she spoke to the kids alone for the first time, and I will find out tomorrow what she thinks.  During our session last week, I asked her how much it will cost for us to come, since Bob was going through a free clinic, and I'm not covered to go alone.  She made me cry when she told me that she would see us for a long as we wanted and not charge us anything.  She said she loves us all, and is more interested in us getting better than making money.  I seriously love this woman.  I am looking forward to tomorrows session.

For this week, though, I have got to concentrate on finding a job.  Not one place that I applied to has called yet, and I have to do something.  Any ideas????

I Went To Therapy Today

This morning, I called our therapist, to tell her what happened.  She asked me to come in, and I did.  As I was signing in, I saw the last sign in slip, and it had Bob's name on it. 

Of course, I knew Elizabeth couldn't tell me anything, but when we got in the room, I told her I saw the slip and asked if he had been in.  She said he had, and that he gave her permission to tell me everything they had talked about, with the exception of where he is.  As much as it hurt to hear her tell me what he's thinking, I felt so much better knowing.  I think it was easier for him to talk to her than to me, so by giving her permission to tell me, he found a way to let me know what's going on.

I don't want to get into specifics, but I now know that there is no way to fix my marriage.  It's over.  Elizabeth cried with me, and said she cried with him as well.  I was so proud of him for going to see her and talking things out with her.  I was able to get a message to him, through her, that I am not angry with him, and that I don't want to fight.  I want to make things as right as they can be, with him seeing the kids as much as he can.  Fortunately, she was able to reach him, and when he called tonight to tell the kids goodnight, we talked as well for a while.  I needed him to know that I am not going to go all crazy and show up at his work and harass him.  I needed him to know that I only want what is best for him, even if that means being away from me.  It was a good conversation, and we actually made some progress towards how the next few months will go until the school year ends.  At that time, I will move in with my mom.  The kids will have to change school districts, and I know it will be hard, but we will survive.  I am going to get my license and a job, and stand on my own two feet for the first time in my life.

Scary?  Hell yeah.  I am terrified.  Will I be okay?  Hell yeah.  I see my future, and even though it's not the forever I thought I would have with my husband, it is going to be an awesome future none the less.

Or at least that is what I keep telling myself.

My Heart Is Broken

I can't sleep.  I'm not sure if I'll ever sleep again.  I know my life is not over simply because my husband left me, but it sure feels like it right now.  I am so sad...my heart is broken.  Not just for myself either.  My heart breaks for my kids.

I will never be one of those women who bad mouth their ex's.  Bob is an amazing dad, and my kids adore him.  I don't want that to change.  I don't want anything to change, but apparently that isn't my decision to make.

He says he doesn't love me anymore...how can you fix that? 

I Lost 9 Pounds This Week

That's right...9 pounds in one week.  Awesome, right? 

It would be if I didn't do it by catching the flu.  I have been miserable since last Wednesday.  I find it hard to eat when I can not breathe through my nose, so I just haven't been eating. 

I am just hoping that once I get to eating right again, I can keep it off. 

On the plus side, my husband was diagnosed yesterday with diabetes.  Not that that in and of itself is a good thing...the new way of eating is going to be a great thing.  I am learning so much about portion size and better eating, and I am excited to make this a permanent way of life for all of us.

Any tips about diabetes I need to know?

A Tiring Session

I hate getting upset in therapy.  I hate getting upset, period.  I am always exhausted after a good crying session, and right now I can barely keep my eyes open.  The good thing is, Bob and I worked on some stuff that has been bothering me, and we are in a better place now, I think.

Bob is going to see our family doctor soon to be tested for diabetes.  Our therapist is concerned about it, so we agreed to have him tested.  She thinks that could be contributing to his sleeplessness and emotional state.  Part of me is hoping she is right, because if she is, we can control it. 

I am trying so hard to be supportive, because I know he is going through a hard time.  I hate that some days I just want him to be happy.  I just want him to not mope around.  I want him to laugh.  Or smile.  Or something other than the depression.  Some days, I don't want to have to watch every word that comes out of my mouth because I am afraid of upsetting him more. 

It's hard watching the one you love hurt, but it's also exhausting.  It's tough always being the strong one.

Wiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!

So....I love the wii fit.  LOVE IT!  I have been doing it pretty regularly, and I have lost almost a pound.  I know...it's not much, but it's a start.  I gained a little, about seven pounds, between Thanksgiving and New Years, so I am working really hard to lose that.  I am also making an effort to eat a little better, and as soon as we get back into a routine around here, I am going to start dieting.  I don't remember if I mentioned this anywhere...maybe on FB...but they did away with Bob's position at work.  That means no more set hours, no more weekends off.  He will go back to working different hours all the time, and he's kind of stressing about it.  I think it will be a good thing.  Right now, as much as I like him being home in the evenings and weekends, we never have time for just us.  With these new hours, we may actually have more time to spend together, which is going to be nice.

Anyway, back to the wii fit.  I have been trying to do different things every day, but the one think I always do is the step routine.  I do it for thirty minutes, and then spend another thirty minutes boxing, or doing kung fu...oh, and they have this obstacle course that is kicking my ass, but I love it!  I am usually dripping with sweat by the time I finish, which is great.  There is actually a site dedicated to moms who are losing weight with the wii, and I think I might join in on some of the forums and see what other moms are saying.  I have a hard time putting myself out there, though, which is shocking, right, since I have so many blogs....but it's the one on one that I have problems with.  I want to stay motivated, though, and finally get some of this weight off.  Losing the 50 pounds over a year ago and keeping it off is a huge accomplishment for me.  It tells me that I am finally learning how to keep it off instead of gaining it all, plus some, back.  So, I am encouraged that if I lose more, I will be able to keep that off too.  Fingers crossed, right?

I have also been having issues with my dang wisdom tooth again.  This time, though, I have decided to go have it pulled.  We have already filed our taxes, and our money should be in within the next two weeks, so I will finally have the money to have it removed.  Now I just need the guts to do it.  I am such a chicken.  Plus, I know any dentist who looks in my mouth will know it's been many, many years since the last time I've been.  I don't want to be judged, I just want to be pain free. 

We didn't end up going to therapy last week because of the snow, but we did go today.  Elizabeth asked Bob how he was doing since his dad's death, and to be honest, he's been okay.  He had a moment Sunday when he got upset, and I knew that something was bothering him.  Turns out, it was my dad and his friend Duane's dad.  Let me back up...Friday night, I was on facebook, when all of a sudden my computer was attacked, and when all was said and done, I could not get on the internet.  I called my dad for help, and he told me to run scans and stuff, but nothing worked.  So Saturday morning, he called and asked if I wanted him to come look at it.  Of course I said yes, and within thirty minutes he had me back online.  My dad rocks.  Then later that afternoon, he went to help his friend do something for his dad, and seeing them interact, on top of seeing my dad come and rescue me, upset him because he never had that kind of relationship with his dad, and now he never has the opportunity to.  I told him that he can't change the past, but he can continue his awesome relationship with Ryan, and know that there will never be a day when Ryan feels about him how he feels about his dad.  Make sense?

But, other than that, he has been doing really well.  And I think I have rambled enough.  Time to go check facebook and then call it a night.  Hope you all had a good one.

Life Goes On...

Even in the winter, the ducks like to be fed.  In fact, they pretty much surrounded us and gobbled up three loaves of bread in about ten minutes. 

Life is slowly going back to normal, whatever that may be.  Bob (formerly Junior...long story) has gone two days without breaking down, though tonight I have no idea where he is.  He said he needed time to himself, so he went for a drive.  Since we are not a cell phone family, I have no way of getting in touch with him, so I am sitting here waiting for him to come home.  I think this time alone will help him to clear his head. 

The two of us went and had a nice afternoon date today, which consisted of eating at a restaurant where they serve you at a table instead of a buffet line.  It's hard to go to place like this with the kids because they are expensive.  It cost us $45 for the two of us to share an appetizer sampler plate and each get a meal.  I had two mini burgers and a trip to the salad bar, which was yummo!  I ended up bringing home most of my burgers and fries, as well as the appetizers.  I ate all the salad though.  They had the best pumpernickel croutons, too.   Spending that much was kind of wasteful, but it was nice to sit and talk with my husband without the kids.  We never get to do that.

I will be happy when he finally goes back to work next week.  I think it will be good for him to get back to his normal routine.  We are going to therapy again on Tuesday.  Elizabeth thinks going every week for a little while will help Bob sort through all his feelings, and I agree.  I'm hoping he can move through the grief process and come out the other side in tact. 

So, I guess it's time to talk about me.  You all know how much I love to do that, lol!  I have been doing the wii fit pretty regularly, though this past week was rough with Bob here all the time.  He hates when I do it...he thinks the music is annoying.  I haven't weighed myself, though, to see if I've lost any weight.  I need to do that without the kids around, so maybe one day next week I will.  They are predicting snow again Sunday night, so they may be home again on Monday.  Anyway, I am loving the games on the wii fit, and am finding myself playing for an hour before I know it.  I love exercise programs like that, where I don't even realize I am exercising, even though there is sweat dripping down my back.  I have a feeling that this is the thing I have been looking for to get me back to losing weight.

Well, Bob just came in, so let me get off of here.  Night.

I Usually Rock The Obligatory End Of The Year Post...

...but this year, it's just not in me.  To be honest, not much noteworthy has happened this year.  (I say that now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring)  The kids are one year older.  Junior is another year older.  I am still the same age. :)

I am happy to announce that a week after Christmas, I can say that I have kept my weight off all year.  I am carrying a few pounds from the holidays, but nothing I am going to stress over.  I have been doing the wii fit, which I love, and I plan on continuing with that.  I don't want to say I am making a resolution, but this year, I would like to lose another 50 pounds.  That would bring my total to 100 pounds lost.  I am not going to stress over it, but I am going to try and eat healthier.  And play the wii.

I think those of you who actually read this blog know that my husband's father is dying.  From what we have heard, he only has days left.  Junior is upset, of course.  As much as he distanced himself from the man over the last few years, he is still his father.  I am glad that we are still in therapy, and that Junior has someone to talk to about this.  I would have loved for him to have made amends with the man, but that was not to be.  I hope that this new year will bring peace to my husband.  He deserves it.

Life will go on...I can't believe I will be, ahem, 39 in February.  I know, it's hard to believe.  And that means that the year after that, I am going to be...um...I can't even type it!  I am not that old!

So, I am going to thank God for my little family.  For my parents and siblings, and their families.  For the fact that my family is close, and that we can always count on each other. 

As I say goodbye to 2010, I am looking forward to 2011.  I hope it is a year full of happiness and love, in my home as well as yours.

Today, My Daughter Told Me I Neglet Her....Yeah, Right!

Tonight, Brandi told me that I am neglecting her.  I find this quite amusing, actually.  You see, every night for the past few weeks, the kids and I have played a game of Clue.  I have been baking cookies with them, watching movies with them, and pretty much just hanging out with them.

Have I been busy?  Yes, I have.  Between dropping ecards, writing paid posts, networking and writing reviews, I have been swamped.  I have been staying up late, then sleeping in after the kids get back on the bus.  The only problem with this is that I have to "work" when the kids do homework, and in the evenings, and Brandi doesn't like it.  So, for the next two weeks while the kids are out of school, I am going to have to try and find a way to balance the time I work and the time I spend with the kids.

Junior is off for vacation the week between Christmas and new years, so not only will I have the kids home, he will be home too.  I am hoping we can spend some family time together...he kids want to head up to the mountains one day, and I'm really hoping we will have the money to do that.

So, if you don't hear from me (on this blog) until the new year, I hope you all have a safe and happy holiday season.

Merry Christmas!

I'm Coming Out Of My Shell

If you have been reading my blogs for any length of time, you know that I am an extremely shy, would rather stay in my house 24 hours a day and never deal with people type of person.  I always thought it was because of my weight, but I recently discovered that it had more to do with my boobs.  Sure, my weight and my boobs kind of go together...they were so big because I was so big. 

Let's go back for a moment.  Growing up, I was always the bigger sister.  I have a sister who is 14 months older than me, so I was always half a step behind her growing up.  She was thin and popular; I was not.  I could go on and on about things that were unfair (the biggest to me was that she got her own room, and I had to share with my two younger sisters who were 6 and 8 years younger than me...and I was 15 at the time) but I won't.  My point is that she got all the boyfriends, and she made sure that I didn't.  If I showed even the slightest interest in a guy, she would make sure he liked her, not me.  I think always being "second" fucked with my self esteem a little.  Okay, a lot. 

Anyway, I was wearing a "C" cup by the time I was in 8th grade, and the boys noticed.  They would make fun of me all the time.  I remember going through a phase where I didn't care how I looked...I didn't want any attention at all.  I wanted to blend in.  I wanted to not be noticed.  I got pretty good at being the wall flower.  Looking back, I think there might have been times when I was really depressed.  I remember one summer I did nothing but sit in my room and read.  Book after book. 

I didn't kiss a boy until I was 17, I think.  I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 18.  In fact, I can count on one hand the number of guys I have gone all the way with.  I was almost 19 my first time.  God, I loved that guy.  It took a while for me to believe that he loved me, because I spend so many years thinking I was not attractive enough, or pretty enough, to be loved by someone.  Can you say issues????

I think I am getting a little off track.  The point of this post is that last night, I didn't have my guard up. I was relaxed, and I had fun.  I participated in conversations, and let people in.  I ate (which I hate to do in front of people...I always think they are judging me) and laughed, and enjoyed spending time with my husband.  Now that I think about it, this is the first time we have gotten rid of the kids and done something for ourselves, just for fun.  We never have extra money, so we usually just hang out at home, which is fine with me.  But it was nice to get out and have fun.  I didn't let my weight hinder me.  I'm not sure if I would have felt the same way before my breast reduction.  I really do think that having that done was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

Ugggg...I ended up rambling.  Sorry.  Sometimes my fingers end up with a mind of their own.  Not sure if I made a point at all, but oh well.  At least you got a glimpse into my weird little head. 

Scary, right????

Peace. It's A Wonderful Feeling

For the first time in I can not tell you how long, my husband has been able to let his guard down at work.  We recently found out that his dad is now living in a nursing home about an hour away, so there is no possibility of him popping up in the store anymore making Junior's life miserable. 

My mom has halted all construction in her kitchen (which is almost done anyway) until after Christmas, so we have our weekends back.  Of course, we have two Saturday's of baking scheduled, and this weekend is Brandi's birthday, so we still have things going on.  BUT, they are things that don't involve too much manual labor for my husband, so that makes him happy.

I guess that's about it.  Things are quiet around here.  We like it that way.

Karma. She's A Bitch, Ya Know

I am a firm believer in the "do unto others" rule.  I spent my early marriage days drilling that into my husband's head, who was brought up believing "do whatever gets you what you want". 

I find comfort in knowing that both Bob (that's what we call Junior these days...long story) and I have lived most of our married life this way.  We treat the people we love with respect.  We do things for them, without expecting anything in return.  That was how I was raised.  This is how we are raising our kids.  Good deeds don't come with a price tag, or expectations of anything in return.

So, as you live your life, remember that if you treat the people around you like crap, in the end, you end up all alone, with only your dirty diapers keeping you company. 

And that just might be exactly what you deserve.

Sometimes

Sometimes, the things you think you buried have a way of rising up again. 

Sometimes, the things you thought you protected yourself from can come up and bite you on the ass while you're not even looking.

Sometimes, an innocent question from a friend can change your world in an instant.

Sometimes, even I don't know how to offer the comfort needed.

Sometimes, choosing to be alone is not the right answer.

Sometimes, it's better to let it all go, and move on.

Sometimes, I wish I could magically take away all the pain, and give my husband the childhood he deserved, instead of the one he had to live through.

And then there are days, like today, where I am proud to be married to such a strong, wonderful man, who can overcome all the hate and abuse, and be the better person.

Tomorrow....

...is Ryan's 15th birthday.  I seriously can not believe it has been so many years since they place my sweet boy in my arms and I became a mother.  That's all I ever really wanted to be, and I am so glad that God no only blessed me with him, but with his sisters as well.  I remember when I found out I was pregnant with him...I so hoped that he would be a girl.  I never imagined I'd have a son.  Whenever I thought of having kids when I was younger, I just assumed I would have daughters.  I am so glad that God knew better than me and He gave me Ryan.

I can not describe my love for him...it's different than my love for my girls, if that makes any sense.  I love that he teases me...and that I now have to look up to look him in the eyes.  Seriously, he's a good five inches taller than me now.  When did THAT happen?  I love that he wants to do everything with his dad, and learn everything his dad knows.  They are seriously stuck together like glue, and I love that.  I know a lot of 15 year old boys who want nothing to do with their parents.  I love that he talks to me about everything, even the stuff I don't want to know about.  He knows I'm his friend, but he also respects me as his mother.  And I think that is important. 

I was in labor with him for 36 hours before they finally cut him out of me.  He was also 12 days late.  I guess if he had his way, he'd still be in there, because he sure as heck didn't want to come out.  I was so tired when they finally did the section (he was born at 8:21 pm) that I don't remember holding him until the next morning.  They say I did hold him, and that I asked for him to be taken away because I was afraid I would drop him.  I don't remember any of that.  I do remember, though, that next morning when they finally brought him to me, that he was the most beautiful baby in the world.  He weighed 8lbs 13oz at birth, and the nurses all called him monkey.  I never knew I could love someone as much as I loved that baby at that moment.  Sure, I love my husband, but I think a mother's love is more protective and primal, if that makes any sense.

Anyway, tomorrow, my baby is one year closer to being a man.  If the past 15 years are any indication, he's going to be a wonderful man.  Any girl will be lucky to have him.

That is, if they can get to him through me.  After all, I am his mother.