I Don't Usually Post Pictures On Here, But...

here's a shot of the kids and I in mom's pool.  We are all watching Ryan jump in...or should I say "belly flop" in.  My nephew Carson loves when he does that.

I don't want this blog to be about my kids...this is my space.  I just wanted to show you that I am enjoying myself this summer.  Tomorrow we are having a cookout at mom's again, with my sisters mother-in-law.  Today, my mom made it a point to tell me she would be there,  Um, okay.  I asked if she wanted me to not wear my bathing suit in front of her, and she said that's not what she meant.  She just wanted to make sure that I knew that she was going to be there.  I don't think she understands that I have had a sort of epiphany lately...I am fat.  I know this.  I am trying to lose weight, but it's hard.  In the meantime, I refuse to let another summer go by without enjoying myself.  People can tell I am fat whether I have on my bathing suit of shorts and a tshirt.  I decided that this year, I am going to wear a bathing suit, and I don't care what anyone else thinks.  I have spent the past 38 years of my life watching from the sidelines, worried about what people think of me.  For some reason, this year, I say fuck it.  Let people laugh at me.  Let people judge me.  I don't care.

And I have really, never been happier.

A Twist

It's been almost two years since Junior started therapy.  Most of you who read this know the back story, so I am not going to repeat it all.  The reasons he started and the reasons he's still going have changed, and it's become more about us as a family, and not so much about the stuff that started this.  Am I being cryptic?  I don't mean to be.  Let me try this again.

The focus of therapy has changed from dealing with the hurt and anger to coping with it.  Does that make sense?  In our sessions, we talk more about what we do as a family ( meaning me, Junior, and the kids) and less about how other family members (his dad, mother, and brother) influence our lives, because it has been so long since we have seen any of them, they no longer effect (or affect, I never know which to use) Junior's day to day life.  Sure, he is still dealing with his past, and all that other stuff, but we also talk about how he acts towards our kids and me. 

So yesterday, Elizabeth, who is our therapist, and Myra, the therapist who has sat in for the last two sessions, came into the waiting room to call us back.  They noticed that we had all the kids with us (we were going straight to my mom's house from there) and got very excited.  They wanted the kids to join us for a session.  I think that kind of freaked Junior out a bit, but we agreed.  Unfortunately, the family room was unavailable, and the room we were in was too small for all of us.  But, for next session, Elizabeth booked the family room, and we are all going to play some kind of game. 

It should be interesting.  I already told the kids, and I made sure they know that they can answer any question however they want, being completely honest.  I am terrified thinking about what will come out of their mouths, but it should be fun.

Gulp.

A Big Step For Me

I wore a bathing suit today in front of my mom.  I wasn't even self-conscience, though I probably should have been.  But whatever.  I had fun swimming with the kids in the pool, and that's the important thing.  I didn't sit in the shade and watch the fun...I was a part of it!

You guys have no idea how big a step this was for me. 

Now next weekend, my sister will be there, and we'll see how comfortable I am in front of her.  And then the following weekend, my aunt and Grandmother will be here.  Hopefully by then I won't care who sees me! lol!

Oh, and I should probably mention that I am a freakin' lobster right now.  When will I learn???

'Bout There

Okay, so I have been stressing getting on the scale, what with the weight gain from the past few weeks.  But this morning I sucked it up and weighed myself.

I have two more pounds to lose, and then I am back to the 49 pound loss.  This also means I am three pounds away from a 50 pound loss. 

Three pounds.

Ug.  Seems like so much sometimes...

Hey Ya'll!

That sounded pretty southern, didn't it? LOL!

Anyway, I have been so busy it's not even funny.  My trip to Tennessee was awesome, but since I've been back, the scale has not been my friend.  not only did I not make it to 50, I gained a couple of pounds back.

Ug.

This is such a hard thing to do, but I am not giving up.  I was surprised that i gained weight over my weekend away, because we did a LOT of walking, and not really much eating.  But, what i did eat was very carb heavy, and I think that was my problem.  By the time we were headed home, I was craving something, anything, that wasn't a carb, which is weird for me, because i could live on bread alone.

The following weekend, which was last weekend, we had two parties for Kasi, and at both I ate way too much crap.  Then today we had a cookout at mom's, and I ate way too much.  Again.

The good thing now is that the kids are out of school, and I am getting us all back on track.  I plan on swimming a lot, which I love, and it is also great exercise.  I have to make our food budget stretch, because the kids are no longer eating two meals a day at school.  This means no extra junk in the house. 

This is a good thing.

On a totally unrelated note, I have once again managed to get into some poison oak, and it's driving me crazy!  It's on the inside of both ankles, and a little bit up each calf.  You would think by now I would be more careful, but I still don't know exactly what it looks like.  But like every year (for the past four or five anyway) I will suffer through it.

Hopefully this time it won't spread.

One More To Go!

I lost another pound.  That makes 49.  I really want to lose another pound before our trip this weekend...

Sleep...Where Are You?

I hate insomnia.  I haven't figured out why this happens to me.  It could be that I sleep too late in the mornings.  My typical routine is go to bed between midnight and 1am.  The alarm goes of at 2:15am, and I get Junior up for work.  The alarm goes off again at 5:15am and I get up and get the kids off to school.  I lay back down around 7am, and sleep until 10:15am.  (I find it easier to change the hour three times a day, so I always get up at something 15)  This totals about 8 hours of sleep, if I fall asleep quickly, which doesn't normally happen.  Usually, I get about 6 1/2 hours of sleep a night. 

So tonight (I know it's technically morning, but whatever) I know that I don't have to get up three times in the morning.  I can sleep until my body decides to wake up.  (or until my mother calls...we have plans for tomorrow)  But here I sit.  I am pretty tired, but I can not fall asleep.  I blame all the caffeine I had today.  Usually, I drink diet sprite (or the equivalent store brand) at home, but when we go out, I drink diet coke, because most places don't carry the diet sprite.  Today we did a lot of running around, and I drank a lot of diet coke, which means I had a lot of caffeine. 

Which probably explains why I am still up.

At least I will be able to sleep in on Sunday...