I Went To Therapy Today

This morning, I called our therapist, to tell her what happened.  She asked me to come in, and I did.  As I was signing in, I saw the last sign in slip, and it had Bob's name on it. 

Of course, I knew Elizabeth couldn't tell me anything, but when we got in the room, I told her I saw the slip and asked if he had been in.  She said he had, and that he gave her permission to tell me everything they had talked about, with the exception of where he is.  As much as it hurt to hear her tell me what he's thinking, I felt so much better knowing.  I think it was easier for him to talk to her than to me, so by giving her permission to tell me, he found a way to let me know what's going on.

I don't want to get into specifics, but I now know that there is no way to fix my marriage.  It's over.  Elizabeth cried with me, and said she cried with him as well.  I was so proud of him for going to see her and talking things out with her.  I was able to get a message to him, through her, that I am not angry with him, and that I don't want to fight.  I want to make things as right as they can be, with him seeing the kids as much as he can.  Fortunately, she was able to reach him, and when he called tonight to tell the kids goodnight, we talked as well for a while.  I needed him to know that I am not going to go all crazy and show up at his work and harass him.  I needed him to know that I only want what is best for him, even if that means being away from me.  It was a good conversation, and we actually made some progress towards how the next few months will go until the school year ends.  At that time, I will move in with my mom.  The kids will have to change school districts, and I know it will be hard, but we will survive.  I am going to get my license and a job, and stand on my own two feet for the first time in my life.

Scary?  Hell yeah.  I am terrified.  Will I be okay?  Hell yeah.  I see my future, and even though it's not the forever I thought I would have with my husband, it is going to be an awesome future none the less.

Or at least that is what I keep telling myself.

My Heart Is Broken

I can't sleep.  I'm not sure if I'll ever sleep again.  I know my life is not over simply because my husband left me, but it sure feels like it right now.  I am so sad...my heart is broken.  Not just for myself either.  My heart breaks for my kids.

I will never be one of those women who bad mouth their ex's.  Bob is an amazing dad, and my kids adore him.  I don't want that to change.  I don't want anything to change, but apparently that isn't my decision to make.

He says he doesn't love me anymore...how can you fix that? 

I Lost 9 Pounds This Week

That's right...9 pounds in one week.  Awesome, right? 

It would be if I didn't do it by catching the flu.  I have been miserable since last Wednesday.  I find it hard to eat when I can not breathe through my nose, so I just haven't been eating. 

I am just hoping that once I get to eating right again, I can keep it off. 

On the plus side, my husband was diagnosed yesterday with diabetes.  Not that that in and of itself is a good thing...the new way of eating is going to be a great thing.  I am learning so much about portion size and better eating, and I am excited to make this a permanent way of life for all of us.

Any tips about diabetes I need to know?

A Tiring Session

I hate getting upset in therapy.  I hate getting upset, period.  I am always exhausted after a good crying session, and right now I can barely keep my eyes open.  The good thing is, Bob and I worked on some stuff that has been bothering me, and we are in a better place now, I think.

Bob is going to see our family doctor soon to be tested for diabetes.  Our therapist is concerned about it, so we agreed to have him tested.  She thinks that could be contributing to his sleeplessness and emotional state.  Part of me is hoping she is right, because if she is, we can control it. 

I am trying so hard to be supportive, because I know he is going through a hard time.  I hate that some days I just want him to be happy.  I just want him to not mope around.  I want him to laugh.  Or smile.  Or something other than the depression.  Some days, I don't want to have to watch every word that comes out of my mouth because I am afraid of upsetting him more. 

It's hard watching the one you love hurt, but it's also exhausting.  It's tough always being the strong one.

Wiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!

So....I love the wii fit.  LOVE IT!  I have been doing it pretty regularly, and I have lost almost a pound.  I know...it's not much, but it's a start.  I gained a little, about seven pounds, between Thanksgiving and New Years, so I am working really hard to lose that.  I am also making an effort to eat a little better, and as soon as we get back into a routine around here, I am going to start dieting.  I don't remember if I mentioned this anywhere...maybe on FB...but they did away with Bob's position at work.  That means no more set hours, no more weekends off.  He will go back to working different hours all the time, and he's kind of stressing about it.  I think it will be a good thing.  Right now, as much as I like him being home in the evenings and weekends, we never have time for just us.  With these new hours, we may actually have more time to spend together, which is going to be nice.

Anyway, back to the wii fit.  I have been trying to do different things every day, but the one think I always do is the step routine.  I do it for thirty minutes, and then spend another thirty minutes boxing, or doing kung fu...oh, and they have this obstacle course that is kicking my ass, but I love it!  I am usually dripping with sweat by the time I finish, which is great.  There is actually a site dedicated to moms who are losing weight with the wii, and I think I might join in on some of the forums and see what other moms are saying.  I have a hard time putting myself out there, though, which is shocking, right, since I have so many blogs....but it's the one on one that I have problems with.  I want to stay motivated, though, and finally get some of this weight off.  Losing the 50 pounds over a year ago and keeping it off is a huge accomplishment for me.  It tells me that I am finally learning how to keep it off instead of gaining it all, plus some, back.  So, I am encouraged that if I lose more, I will be able to keep that off too.  Fingers crossed, right?

I have also been having issues with my dang wisdom tooth again.  This time, though, I have decided to go have it pulled.  We have already filed our taxes, and our money should be in within the next two weeks, so I will finally have the money to have it removed.  Now I just need the guts to do it.  I am such a chicken.  Plus, I know any dentist who looks in my mouth will know it's been many, many years since the last time I've been.  I don't want to be judged, I just want to be pain free. 

We didn't end up going to therapy last week because of the snow, but we did go today.  Elizabeth asked Bob how he was doing since his dad's death, and to be honest, he's been okay.  He had a moment Sunday when he got upset, and I knew that something was bothering him.  Turns out, it was my dad and his friend Duane's dad.  Let me back up...Friday night, I was on facebook, when all of a sudden my computer was attacked, and when all was said and done, I could not get on the internet.  I called my dad for help, and he told me to run scans and stuff, but nothing worked.  So Saturday morning, he called and asked if I wanted him to come look at it.  Of course I said yes, and within thirty minutes he had me back online.  My dad rocks.  Then later that afternoon, he went to help his friend do something for his dad, and seeing them interact, on top of seeing my dad come and rescue me, upset him because he never had that kind of relationship with his dad, and now he never has the opportunity to.  I told him that he can't change the past, but he can continue his awesome relationship with Ryan, and know that there will never be a day when Ryan feels about him how he feels about his dad.  Make sense?

But, other than that, he has been doing really well.  And I think I have rambled enough.  Time to go check facebook and then call it a night.  Hope you all had a good one.

Life Goes On...

Even in the winter, the ducks like to be fed.  In fact, they pretty much surrounded us and gobbled up three loaves of bread in about ten minutes. 

Life is slowly going back to normal, whatever that may be.  Bob (formerly Junior...long story) has gone two days without breaking down, though tonight I have no idea where he is.  He said he needed time to himself, so he went for a drive.  Since we are not a cell phone family, I have no way of getting in touch with him, so I am sitting here waiting for him to come home.  I think this time alone will help him to clear his head. 

The two of us went and had a nice afternoon date today, which consisted of eating at a restaurant where they serve you at a table instead of a buffet line.  It's hard to go to place like this with the kids because they are expensive.  It cost us $45 for the two of us to share an appetizer sampler plate and each get a meal.  I had two mini burgers and a trip to the salad bar, which was yummo!  I ended up bringing home most of my burgers and fries, as well as the appetizers.  I ate all the salad though.  They had the best pumpernickel croutons, too.   Spending that much was kind of wasteful, but it was nice to sit and talk with my husband without the kids.  We never get to do that.

I will be happy when he finally goes back to work next week.  I think it will be good for him to get back to his normal routine.  We are going to therapy again on Tuesday.  Elizabeth thinks going every week for a little while will help Bob sort through all his feelings, and I agree.  I'm hoping he can move through the grief process and come out the other side in tact. 

So, I guess it's time to talk about me.  You all know how much I love to do that, lol!  I have been doing the wii fit pretty regularly, though this past week was rough with Bob here all the time.  He hates when I do it...he thinks the music is annoying.  I haven't weighed myself, though, to see if I've lost any weight.  I need to do that without the kids around, so maybe one day next week I will.  They are predicting snow again Sunday night, so they may be home again on Monday.  Anyway, I am loving the games on the wii fit, and am finding myself playing for an hour before I know it.  I love exercise programs like that, where I don't even realize I am exercising, even though there is sweat dripping down my back.  I have a feeling that this is the thing I have been looking for to get me back to losing weight.

Well, Bob just came in, so let me get off of here.  Night.

I Usually Rock The Obligatory End Of The Year Post...

...but this year, it's just not in me.  To be honest, not much noteworthy has happened this year.  (I say that now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring)  The kids are one year older.  Junior is another year older.  I am still the same age. :)

I am happy to announce that a week after Christmas, I can say that I have kept my weight off all year.  I am carrying a few pounds from the holidays, but nothing I am going to stress over.  I have been doing the wii fit, which I love, and I plan on continuing with that.  I don't want to say I am making a resolution, but this year, I would like to lose another 50 pounds.  That would bring my total to 100 pounds lost.  I am not going to stress over it, but I am going to try and eat healthier.  And play the wii.

I think those of you who actually read this blog know that my husband's father is dying.  From what we have heard, he only has days left.  Junior is upset, of course.  As much as he distanced himself from the man over the last few years, he is still his father.  I am glad that we are still in therapy, and that Junior has someone to talk to about this.  I would have loved for him to have made amends with the man, but that was not to be.  I hope that this new year will bring peace to my husband.  He deserves it.

Life will go on...I can't believe I will be, ahem, 39 in February.  I know, it's hard to believe.  And that means that the year after that, I am going to be...um...I can't even type it!  I am not that old!

So, I am going to thank God for my little family.  For my parents and siblings, and their families.  For the fact that my family is close, and that we can always count on each other. 

As I say goodbye to 2010, I am looking forward to 2011.  I hope it is a year full of happiness and love, in my home as well as yours.