Probably More Than You Want To Know, But I'm Going To Share Anyway

Today, I went bra shopping.  For most of you, this is a simple thing.  Not for me.  I haven't bought a bra since my reduction, so I had no idea what size I am. Wait, that's not true.  I have been living in sports bras for the last 2+ years.  I decided today that I wanted something a little girlier...maybe even a sexy black one.  I've never owned a black bra...they don't make them in my old, huge size.

I was all excited as we entered Walmart.  That's right, Walmart.  You see, I was never able to buy a "cheap" bra at Walmart.  Heck, I couldn't buy an expensive bra there, either. They didn't carry my huge size.  I always had to go to the department stores in the mall, where the sales ladies would look at me like I was a freak.  (If you are a big girl who doesn't wear expensive clothes and you have to shop in a department store, you know the looks I am talking about) Anyway, I headed to the bras, and was overwhelmed by the selection.  My only problem was, I had no idea what size to start with.  I know I am pretty big around, but I have no idea what cup size, so I grabbed a bunch of different sizes and styles and headed for the fitting room.

Not one of them fit right.

The first one I tried on wasn't thick enough under the arms.  When I had my surgery, they cut me from under one arm to under the other arm.  My skin kind of comes to a point now under each arm, and the thin straps were not comfortable.  They didn't cover enough and cut right into that skin.  So, off that one went and I tried the next one.  The cups were too big.  It was a "C".  The next one was a "B", and the cups were fine, but the same thing was wrong with the side part.  And the same thing was wrong with all of the rest I had in there.

My excitement quickly turned to frustration when I realized that I wouldn't find a bra that fit properly.  Resigned, I headed over to the sports bras, and still didn't find any that I liked.  Of course, they didn't have the style I am currently wearing, and they are really comfortable.  I guess I'll have to make a trip to the mall and deal with the stares as I try to find a bra that will fit properly.

I am not looking forward to that at all...

Nine Days Later...

Things have gotten better since my last post.  Thank you so much for all your loving and supportive comments.  It is amazing that I have such wonderful friends who I have never even met.  You guys have no idea how much I appreciate you all.  I seriously love you guys!

As far as I know, my FIL is doing okay.  We actually met with Junior's sister to talk things over, and it seems that he will be unable to get to Junior's work from here on out. That is a wonderful thing.  My husband has breathed a huge sigh of relief, and can now relax at work. 

We went to therapy today, and it was a pretty weird hour.  We started the session talking about the past two weeks, and then ended up talking about my issues with driving and fishing.  It was funny, because we have been seeing Elizabeth for a while now, and today was the first time we touched on my craziness.  I warned her that I have some seriously weird issues, but I don't think she believed me.

For instance, my biggest fear about driving is that I will get into an accident and hurt my kids.  I would NEVER be able to live with myself if that happens, so I don't drive. Weird, yes.  Irrational, absolutely.  But it is what it is.

I also have a hard time letting my kids go places with people who aren't family, because let's face it.  If something terrible was to happen, and that person had to chose between saving my kids life or their own kids life, you know as well as I do that they would chose their own kid.  I would, too. Another weird fear, yup.  Totally irrational, abso-freakin'-lutely.

These are just two of my irrational crazy things.  Trust me, there are many more.  I am insane when it comes to my kids, and I know it.  The good news is that they don't know that I think these things.  I would hate for them to be aware of my issues.

Anyway, we left today's session in a good place mentally and emotionally.  Hopefully we can look forward to two more stress free weeks.  At least that's what I'm hoping for.

It's Been An Emotionally Rough Week

My father-in-law had a stroke a couple of weeks ago.  Apparently, he is having a hard time recovering from this one (he has had several in recent years).  I pray every night for him to get better, but in my heart, I really don't care if he does. 

I'm a horrible person, I know.  It's just that something happened last weekend, and I am having a hard time with it.  I have known for a while how Junior feels about his dad.  What I didn't know was how my son feels about him.  I mean, Junior and I have been in therapy for two years now dealing with his anger towards his dad, and it never occurred to me that the kids might have some anger towards him, too. 

This completely broke my heart.  For the first time, I broke down in therapy.  I can not stand to see so much hate and anger in my son.  He's 14, and shouldn't have to be this way.  Now, before I get the comments about how we've filled his head with negative thoughts, let me assure you.  That's not how it is.  Ryan is angry about how Junior is always on edge about his dad.  He's angry that his dad is hurting.  Know what I'm saying?  Our therapist recommended that Ryan come in for a session, or even start seeing a therapist of his own. 

How did this happen?  How did I not see that Ryan was so angry?  Why are these people still having an impact on my family two years after we broke ties?  My kids are so close to my mom, so they know how a grandparent is supposed to act.  It never occurred to me that they might be missing that with their other grandparents.  We assumed that our decision to walk away was the best thing for our family, but we never asked the kids how they felt about it.  Their answers wouldn't have changed our minds, but we might have gone about it differently.  Am I even making sense? 

There are other things going on, too, but I'm not going to torture you with all the details.  Let's just say that I have cried more in the last week than I have in the last year.  I have had my "woe is me" moments, and I have also realized something pretty important.

Are you ready?  I eat when I'm upset.  You're shocked, right?  I realized this when in therapy, after my meltdown, I looked at Junior and told him I needed ice cream.  In fact, I told him I needed a chocolate peanut butter milk shake from Sonic.  And you know what?  It made me feel better.

Analyze that! lol!