Sunday, September 5, 2010

It's Been An Emotionally Rough Week

My father-in-law had a stroke a couple of weeks ago.  Apparently, he is having a hard time recovering from this one (he has had several in recent years).  I pray every night for him to get better, but in my heart, I really don't care if he does. 

I'm a horrible person, I know.  It's just that something happened last weekend, and I am having a hard time with it.  I have known for a while how Junior feels about his dad.  What I didn't know was how my son feels about him.  I mean, Junior and I have been in therapy for two years now dealing with his anger towards his dad, and it never occurred to me that the kids might have some anger towards him, too. 

This completely broke my heart.  For the first time, I broke down in therapy.  I can not stand to see so much hate and anger in my son.  He's 14, and shouldn't have to be this way.  Now, before I get the comments about how we've filled his head with negative thoughts, let me assure you.  That's not how it is.  Ryan is angry about how Junior is always on edge about his dad.  He's angry that his dad is hurting.  Know what I'm saying?  Our therapist recommended that Ryan come in for a session, or even start seeing a therapist of his own. 

How did this happen?  How did I not see that Ryan was so angry?  Why are these people still having an impact on my family two years after we broke ties?  My kids are so close to my mom, so they know how a grandparent is supposed to act.  It never occurred to me that they might be missing that with their other grandparents.  We assumed that our decision to walk away was the best thing for our family, but we never asked the kids how they felt about it.  Their answers wouldn't have changed our minds, but we might have gone about it differently.  Am I even making sense? 

There are other things going on, too, but I'm not going to torture you with all the details.  Let's just say that I have cried more in the last week than I have in the last year.  I have had my "woe is me" moments, and I have also realized something pretty important.

Are you ready?  I eat when I'm upset.  You're shocked, right?  I realized this when in therapy, after my meltdown, I looked at Junior and told him I needed ice cream.  In fact, I told him I needed a chocolate peanut butter milk shake from Sonic.  And you know what?  It made me feel better.

Analyze that! lol!


Dawn said...

You told me about this. It hurts me to know that you are still having a hard time with it ! You are the frosting that holds the cake together. If you ever need to talk or anything, I am just a phone call away! I can always turn chat on in FB, too !! You just let me know. You have listen and helped me in lots of ways! *HUGS*

jenn said...

Dawn ~ I am. We talked to him about seeing the therapist, and he doesn't think he needs to. I don't want to force him, and maybe I am making a bigger deal out of it than it is to him. I don't know. I am just struggling with it. Sometimes being a mom is so hard...I want to do the right thing, but I'm not sure what that is. :(

Dawn said...

I am sure being a mom is hard and wanting what is best for your family makes it harder ! Remember, you are the frosting !! :) *HUGS*

jenn said...

Dawn :) chocolate frosting??? lol!

Dawn said...

Yes, of course, you can have chocolate !! :) lol Cake, frosting... where are the forks ?!?!? LOL

Jeannette said...

Hehe, I like this Dawn lady!

Now, now ladies... let's not get ahead of ourselves.. NO CAKE WITH FROSTING! lol j/k

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, but from what I am reading... you are doing it right! You are being such a good mom by recognizing this and asking if he wants help talking it through.

jenn said...

Jeannette ~ it is so hard sometimes to know that I am making the right decisions when it comes to my kids, especially as they are getting older. And you're cake with frosting...let's just have brownies! lol!

Donna said...

Ryan is a 14yr old with fierce loyalities towards his parents! I was that way as well and Still am! It "you're Mine, Hands Off!
I didn't need therapy...I just needed the love and approval of my parents. I Love that he is this way. Lots of kids these days don't KNOW what to feel.
You are Great parents!!!
Ryan is Smart!

jenn said...

Thank you Miss Donna ~ You always know what to say :)

Crystal said...

If it makes u feel any better I just got me, Sam and William in counseling. Sam did NOT want to go but I didn't give her the option. I told what was going on and where we were going. Of coarse when we got there she was SO frigid! Sitting in the waiting room and then in the beginning with the young lady getting our info and asking questions about what goals we wanted met. It actually helped that William was there to talk because it made Sam open up somewhat afterwards. We're going for better communication skills, listening and learning how to respect;) Sometimes being a parent means u have to choose for them. Even when u nor them want to. I SHOULD KNOW THIS!!! LOL!

Jeannette said...

I have chosen you for an award here: