Sunday, September 5, 2010
I'm a horrible person, I know. It's just that something happened last weekend, and I am having a hard time with it. I have known for a while how Junior feels about his dad. What I didn't know was how my son feels about him. I mean, Junior and I have been in therapy for two years now dealing with his anger towards his dad, and it never occurred to me that the kids might have some anger towards him, too.
This completely broke my heart. For the first time, I broke down in therapy. I can not stand to see so much hate and anger in my son. He's 14, and shouldn't have to be this way. Now, before I get the comments about how we've filled his head with negative thoughts, let me assure you. That's not how it is. Ryan is angry about how Junior is always on edge about his dad. He's angry that his dad is hurting. Know what I'm saying? Our therapist recommended that Ryan come in for a session, or even start seeing a therapist of his own.
How did this happen? How did I not see that Ryan was so angry? Why are these people still having an impact on my family two years after we broke ties? My kids are so close to my mom, so they know how a grandparent is supposed to act. It never occurred to me that they might be missing that with their other grandparents. We assumed that our decision to walk away was the best thing for our family, but we never asked the kids how they felt about it. Their answers wouldn't have changed our minds, but we might have gone about it differently. Am I even making sense?
There are other things going on, too, but I'm not going to torture you with all the details. Let's just say that I have cried more in the last week than I have in the last year. I have had my "woe is me" moments, and I have also realized something pretty important.
Are you ready? I eat when I'm upset. You're shocked, right? I realized this when in therapy, after my meltdown, I looked at Junior and told him I needed ice cream. In fact, I told him I needed a chocolate peanut butter milk shake from Sonic. And you know what? It made me feel better.
Analyze that! lol!