Changes

I have always feared change.  I am a creature of habit...I love my routines.

Lately, my life has been anything but routine.  I have changed so much, and I am finding that I love the new me. 

I am so happy. 

For the past 16 years, I have lived for my family.  They were my everything.  I didn't have many friends, and none were close friends.  I guess you could say I had acquaintances.  These days, I have friends.  Friends who love me for me, and who are helping me so much as I figure out where I am meant to be at this point in my life.  My family has been amazing as well.  I don't know if I would have made it through the past two months without their help and support. 

I am truly blessed.

I have realized that there are people I can depend on, and people I can't. 

I have confidence, and not only because I have lost weight, but because I like who I am now.  On the inside as well as the outside. 

I realized that being a single mom is hard.  Really hard. 

But I can do it.  I am doing it.  Sure, I have to depend on people to help me, and as I said, I am lucky to have people I can depend on. 

My kids are still my life.  I live for them.  I work for them.  I do everything I can for them. 

But I have also learned that I need to do things for myself as well.  I am not to the point where I want to date, but it's nice knowing that I will have that option.  It's nice having friends I can go out to the bar with every once in a while to listen to some music and just hang out. 

I can't believe how much I love driving, and it kills me that I waited almost 40 years to do it.  I can't help but think about how different my life would have turned out if I learned to drive when I was a teenager.  I wonder if it would have made a difference in my marriage?

Probably not.

I am counting down the months until I can get my divorce.  There is, obviously, no chance of a reconciliation, and I want to get on with my life.  I hate that I have to wait a year, but at least it gives me something to look forward to. 

I probably won't be blogging for a while, with the move and all coming up.  I have been slack with it anyway, and the paid offers are few and far between these days.  I guess that's what happens when you stop networking.  My numbers are horrible, and I don't even really care anymore. 

I have more important things going on now...

Probably More Than You Want To Know, But I'm Going To Share Anyway

Today, I went bra shopping.  For most of you, this is a simple thing.  Not for me.  I haven't bought a bra since my reduction, so I had no idea what size I am. Wait, that's not true.  I have been living in sports bras for the last 2+ years.  I decided today that I wanted something a little girlier...maybe even a sexy black one.  I've never owned a black bra...they don't make them in my old, huge size.

I was all excited as we entered Walmart.  That's right, Walmart.  You see, I was never able to buy a "cheap" bra at Walmart.  Heck, I couldn't buy an expensive bra there, either. They didn't carry my huge size.  I always had to go to the department stores in the mall, where the sales ladies would look at me like I was a freak.  (If you are a big girl who doesn't wear expensive clothes and you have to shop in a department store, you know the looks I am talking about) Anyway, I headed to the bras, and was overwhelmed by the selection.  My only problem was, I had no idea what size to start with.  I know I am pretty big around, but I have no idea what cup size, so I grabbed a bunch of different sizes and styles and headed for the fitting room.

Not one of them fit right.

The first one I tried on wasn't thick enough under the arms.  When I had my surgery, they cut me from under one arm to under the other arm.  My skin kind of comes to a point now under each arm, and the thin straps were not comfortable.  They didn't cover enough and cut right into that skin.  So, off that one went and I tried the next one.  The cups were too big.  It was a "C".  The next one was a "B", and the cups were fine, but the same thing was wrong with the side part.  And the same thing was wrong with all of the rest I had in there.

My excitement quickly turned to frustration when I realized that I wouldn't find a bra that fit properly.  Resigned, I headed over to the sports bras, and still didn't find any that I liked.  Of course, they didn't have the style I am currently wearing, and they are really comfortable.  I guess I'll have to make a trip to the mall and deal with the stares as I try to find a bra that will fit properly.

I am not looking forward to that at all...