Saturday, August 28, 2010


I have been toying with writing this post for the past week or so.  I am not sure where I want to go with it, or even if what I am going to say is going to be post-worthy.  But, I need to sort things out, and this is usually the best place to do it.

Nine years ago, Junior and I lived in a trailer park.  It was a small park, with only ten homes.  Five on each side of the street.  It was a quiet place to live, and we were happy there.  The only problem was that it was a 2 bedroom, which was fine when Kasi and Ryan were that little.  But, once I got pregnant with Brandi, I knew we wouldn't stay there much longer.  Anyway, we had this neighbor.  She was a single woman, about ten years older than me.  We lived there for a while before we actually "met" her, but it wasn't until Brandi as born that her and I became friends.  We actually became very good friends.  She was always at my house, from morning until night.  She even came to family events with me, and my family got to know her well.  She didn't really work (she was trying to get on disability, so she held part time jobs...but never the same one for too long) so she had a series of boyfriends who paid her bills and gave her money.  Luckily, she owned her home, so her bills were minimal.  When ever she did get extra money, she always spent it on my kids. She especially treated Brandi like one of her own.

As time went on, I got to know her more and more, and I realized that there were things about her that I wasn't too fond of.  For instance, she was a compulsive liar.  I mean, it got to the point where I would know she was lying, but she would do it anyway.  I caught her in several lies, but instead of confronting her, I just let it go.  Then one day, about five years ago, she went a little insane and ended up in the psych ward for three days.  This just so happened to have occurred during a week that my sister was visiting from NY.  Well, She called me from the hospital, and said that she needed me to go to the hospital and sign her out, and take responsibility for her.  There were several reasons why I didn't do it.  For one, my sister hardly ever visits, and I wasn't about to change my plans with her.  Selfish?  Maybe. The second and more important reason...there was no way that I wanted to be responsible for her.  She has a grown (and married) daughter who refused to do it, so why should it fall on me?

After that, she didn't come around or call for a few weeks.  I knew she was probably ticked, but oh well.  Eventually, things got back to normal, and she was at my house all the time again. By this point, we had moved to a new house, and we weren't neighbors anymore.  I was getting tired of catching her in lies, and I was finally beginning to realize that she may not be someone I want to be friends with.  My sisters called her toxic, and I started to agree.  there are a lot of other things that happened, but you get the gist of it.  So eventually, I stopped taking her calls.  When she came by the house, Junior would tell her I was out with my sister or my mom.  After a few weeks, I think she got the message, because she stopped calling.

So, a few weeks ago, she went into where my brother in law works, and started asking about me.  At this point, it's been about four years or more since I have seen her.  he didn't want to give out my number, so he took her number to give to me.  He told me about it, and I wasn't too excited, or eager, to call her, so I didn't even take the number from him.

Well, last Monday, the park manager stopped Junior as he was coming in from work to tell him that some lady was looking for us.  It was her.  I couldn't believe it!  Apparently, my brother-in-law had told her the general area where we lived, and she drove around until she found us.  (I found out later that she stopped and talked to anyone she could find in their yards, asking them if they knew us!) Now that she knew where we lived, I felt it was best to just call her so she would stop coming around.

Now, this chick can talk.  I am talking about the type of person who will cut you off mid-sentence to talk about themselves.  So, I called her.  And she talked.  And talked.  And talked.  For about an hour and a half.  Not once did she ask how I have been...she just talked about herself.  I agreed to have her come by and see the kids, because she did love them like her own, and she wanted to see them.  Well, when she came over, she acted like the past four+ years never happened.  She bought my kids some school clothes, and has been here almost every day since then.  Yesterday, she called and asked if she could take me to lunch.  Actually, she called and said she was coming to get me, so I better be ready.  She treated us to a nice lunch, and I kind of enjoyed myself.  It's been a long time since I have been "out" without the kids or Junior.

Here is my dilemma.  I am still not sure I want to get too involved with her.  I don't know if I can believe anything she says, but I know she has a heart of gold and doesn't mean any's just how she is.  Listening to her talk this past week, it's apparent that she has no other friends.  She never did.  She has boyfriends, but no close girlfriends.  I don't know if I am feeling bad for her, or if I really want to be her friend again.  Does that make sense?

Does any of this make sense?  I know I've rambled, and I hope what I am trying to say has come through.  I guess my question to you is, have you ever (or do you now) had a needy friend, and if so, how did (or do you) keep your distance without hurting their feelings? 

Monday, August 23, 2010

Perfect? Nah, Not Even Close.

I have been meaning to write this post since last Tuesday, but I seem to have my head screwed on backwards these days.  The kids are back in school, and we are slowly getting back into our routine.  I spent the summer not cooking, and have had to get back into the habit of cooking every night.  I am trying to cook well balanced meals, and it's been hard some nights.  I mean, there are nights it is just easier to open a jar of sauce and have pasta for supper with garlic bread.  Pure carbs, I know, but sometimes, it's the easiest thing.

I don't want to write about my cooking, though.  You all know I have another blog for that :).  I want to tell you about something we talked abut in therapy last week.  Some of you know that Junior had a bad weekend a few weeks ago.  He is stressed, and I have been thinking for a while now that he might be depressed again.  So, we started up his meds again, and he seems to be doing better.  (I know some of you don't believe in meds, but for us, there is no other choice...I can't and won't go into specifics here)  We ended up going to our family doctor, who I love.  He was our doctor back when we had insurance, and he has been the kids doctor forever.  In fact, he was the one who told me I was pregnant with Brandi.  Anyway, we went and spoke with him for a good while, and Junior seems to be back on track.

When we were in therapy last week, we were talking about how Junior was doing, and one of our therapists, Myra, asked why I decided to stand by Junior and be so supportive.  That question kind of shocked me, and I told her so.  She asked why, and I told her that it never even entered my mind not to be supportive.  I mean, he is my husband.  It's what I'm supposed to do.  I did point out that by the end of the weekend, I was ready to bitch slap him and tell him to suck it up, but that was when he was kind of feeling better.

So my question to you is this...if you are married, would you walk away from your spouse if they were going through a difficult period?  If so, how much is enough?

Elizabeth, our main therapist, actually said that Junior and I have a "real" marriage, and we should be role models for other married couples.  She said we don't have the preconceived notion that life is going to be a big romance story.  We have love.  Real love.  Comfortable love. Simple as that.  We have been through so much together.  Stuff that would have probably resulted in divorce in many other couples.  (I am not talking about cheating or anything like that...just family drama and money issues and depression and all the normal everyday crap) 

I am in no way bragging here, and I was pretty embarrassed when she was saying all of this, but when I thought about it later, I think she kind of had a point.  My marriage is in no way perfect, but we don't expect it to be.  But, when one of us is down, after the other makes fun for a moment, there is a lot of lifting up going on.  I know, without a doubt, that Junior would do anything for me.  I know this.  He has proven it time and time again.

It was my time to be there for him, and I am happy to say that I was.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

A Blog With Substance

My sweet, sweet friend Jeannette, author of A Hippo With A Headband, passed this award to me, and I am honored that she thinks so highly of me.  I mean, I know I'm awesome.  It's nice that other people think so, too.  (kidding...totally kidding)  Seriously, I am honored that she thought of me to pass this along to.

•Thank the blogger who awarded it to you.

•Sum up your blogging philosophy, motivation, and experience using five (5) words.

•Pass it on to 10 other blogs which you feel have real substance.

So, five words that sum up my blogging philosophy.  This is kind of hard.  Let's say:


That was pretty hard, and I'm not even sure those are the right five words.  I may change them after I have had a while to mull it over. 

This next part is even harder for me, and that is selecting people to pass this award to.  That said, I am going to completely flake out and pass it to all of you who visit today.  Each and every one of you who stop by and leave encouraging words, well, you will never know how much that means to me.  I have this blog because I wanted somewhere to talk about myself.  No kid stories, no husband stories.  Just me stories. I don't want hundreds of readers over here like I have on my main blog.  I want all of those who visit here to know the real me, and I want that to be an intimate experience.  I want to be able to continue to be completely honest here, and with your support, I can be. 

Thank you for that.  I love you all!

Monday, August 16, 2010


I. Am. Happy.

Such a simple little sentence, yet so hard for some people to be.  Some people, no matter what life throws at them, are just not happy.  They could be surrounded by family and friends, people who love them, yet they are unhappy, and they feel like they have to make evreyone else around them unhappy, too.

I am a happy person, most of the time.  But like everyone, life can sometimes make things less than perfect.  From now on, I want to be that happy person, who sees the good in every situation.

I am going to stop worrying about things I can not change, and be happy with the things that are wonderful in my life.  In fact, my life is wonderful.  I have a husband who loves me and kids I adore.  Are we the perfect family?  Heck no.  I threaten to punch Ryan in the face at least three times a week.  The way I see it, I hardly ever spank the kids.  In fact, I can not even remember the last time Ryan (or the girls) was spanked.  I mean, he's 14 years old.  So, instead of threatening to spank him, I threaten to punch him.  We both know I'll never do fact, most of the time he laughs in my face.  Not in a disrespectful is so hard to describe the relationship I have with my kids.  I am most definitely the parent, and they listen to me (most of the time) without too much hassle.  I am also kind of their friend, but not in the way that means I'm not the mom.  Does that make sense?  We joke around and stuff, but when push comes to shove, they know who's in charge.  There is a definite line, and they know not to cross it.  Oy, I am confusing myself right now.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all know how to have fun.  I seriously don't know what would happen if we didn't laugh around here.  We spend so much time being silly and funny...and it's wonderful. 

We're happy. 

All of us.


And I love it.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

On The Right Track, Only It's Not My Track

Hmmm...I wish I could open up and tell you all what has been going on around here, but I can't.  Too many lurkers (who think I don't know that they are) are still reading my blogs, and they don't deserve to know what is going on in my world.

So go away!  We want nothing to do with you.  Is that really a hard thing to understand?

The rest of you...message me on facebook, and I'll catch you up. 

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Quick Question

Why do I always have to be the strong one?

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

My Journey, Huh?

Well, lately my journey sucks.  I am having too much fun spending time with my family to worry about things like eating right and exercising.  But. most of my time has been spent swimming, which is supposed to be great exercise.  And since we are in the pool so much, I am not snacking.  Which is awesome.  Except at night.  I have no willpower at night.  Seriously.  I can go all day without eating, but once the sun goes down, I can eat everything in sight.  I don't.  But I could.

I haven't lost any weight, and am still up a couple of pounds.  I am okay with that, though, because I am staying pretty steady, which for me is a big deal.  I mean, it's been a year since I lost a big hunk of weight, and I have kept it off.  For a freakin' year!  I have never done that before.  Sure, I want to lose more.  But right now I am going to be happy with maintaining. 

The kids go back to school two weeks from today.  I can not believe the Summer has gone by so quickly.  I am looking forward to getting back into our daily routine, though.  I love this quiet time at night, when I am the only one awake.  It's so peaceful.  I tried doing bedtimes tonight, to get them back into the swing of things.  Brandi finally fell asleep around 11, even though I had her in bed at 9.  We watched Huge together, so she really went down at 10, but I am hoping to have her back to regular bedtime by next week.  Last year, she went to bed at 7:30, but was allowed to watch 30 minutes of TV before going to sleep.  She usually fell asleep before 8.  This year, she wants to stay up until 9.  I am not sure how she will do with that, since we get up at 5:30am.  That's only 8 1/2 hours sleep, and I prefer she get closer to 10.  But, I guess we'll try it out and see.  Ryan is almost 15, and wants to stay up later, too.  last year he went to bed at 10, and I still think that is late enough.

Seriously, why am I rambling on about my kids bedtimes?  Like ya'll really care about all that.  And this blog is supposed to be about me, not my kids.  I have other blogs for that.

We have therapy tomorrow.  We haven't been for a month...I was sick last session and Junior refused to go without me, even though this is his therapy, and I am only there for support.  It's funny...last time we saw our therapist, we were talking about going more frequently.  Oh well.

I guess that's about it.  If you made it this far, well, thanks for reading.  I know I ramble sometimes.  That's just how my mind works.