Changes

I have always feared change.  I am a creature of habit...I love my routines.

Lately, my life has been anything but routine.  I have changed so much, and I am finding that I love the new me. 

I am so happy. 

For the past 16 years, I have lived for my family.  They were my everything.  I didn't have many friends, and none were close friends.  I guess you could say I had acquaintances.  These days, I have friends.  Friends who love me for me, and who are helping me so much as I figure out where I am meant to be at this point in my life.  My family has been amazing as well.  I don't know if I would have made it through the past two months without their help and support. 

I am truly blessed.

I have realized that there are people I can depend on, and people I can't. 

I have confidence, and not only because I have lost weight, but because I like who I am now.  On the inside as well as the outside. 

I realized that being a single mom is hard.  Really hard. 

But I can do it.  I am doing it.  Sure, I have to depend on people to help me, and as I said, I am lucky to have people I can depend on. 

My kids are still my life.  I live for them.  I work for them.  I do everything I can for them. 

But I have also learned that I need to do things for myself as well.  I am not to the point where I want to date, but it's nice knowing that I will have that option.  It's nice having friends I can go out to the bar with every once in a while to listen to some music and just hang out. 

I can't believe how much I love driving, and it kills me that I waited almost 40 years to do it.  I can't help but think about how different my life would have turned out if I learned to drive when I was a teenager.  I wonder if it would have made a difference in my marriage?

Probably not.

I am counting down the months until I can get my divorce.  There is, obviously, no chance of a reconciliation, and I want to get on with my life.  I hate that I have to wait a year, but at least it gives me something to look forward to. 

I probably won't be blogging for a while, with the move and all coming up.  I have been slack with it anyway, and the paid offers are few and far between these days.  I guess that's what happens when you stop networking.  My numbers are horrible, and I don't even really care anymore. 

I have more important things going on now...

Life

I have been having a hard time finding time to sit down and blog lately.  It's funny, really.  I used to do nothing but blog, and now, I am doing so much, I'm hardly blogging at all.  I do my paid posts, because I really need that money right now, but writing about what is going on in my life right now holds no interest for me.  I'm craving privacy right now. 

I can say that I am still swimming, and it is really making a difference in my appearance.  I need to take some pictures, because I am looking good.  Seriously.  As I've said before, I am not lacking confidence these days.  My best friend made me go and have my eyebrows waxed yesterday, which was a first for me.  Can you say ouch?  I was such a wimp, but I do look better now.  She keeps saying that she needs to "fix" me, which I think is pretty funny because I didn't realize I was broken. 

I made a decision about moving, and it is probably going to happen sooner rather than later.  As soon as I get my license, I will move to my moms and just drive the kids to school for the rest of the year.  The thought of packing up my house sends me into a state of panic, but I know I need to get started.  I plan on getting some boxes tomorrow.  Tuesday I have a million things to do, including a meeting with Ryan's counselor at school to discuss his last few years in high school.  That's going to be fun.

For now, I am going to my dad's house to celebrate March birthdays.

I Don't Usually Post Pictures On Here, But...

here's a shot of the kids and I in mom's pool.  We are all watching Ryan jump in...or should I say "belly flop" in.  My nephew Carson loves when he does that.

I don't want this blog to be about my kids...this is my space.  I just wanted to show you that I am enjoying myself this summer.  Tomorrow we are having a cookout at mom's again, with my sisters mother-in-law.  Today, my mom made it a point to tell me she would be there,  Um, okay.  I asked if she wanted me to not wear my bathing suit in front of her, and she said that's not what she meant.  She just wanted to make sure that I knew that she was going to be there.  I don't think she understands that I have had a sort of epiphany lately...I am fat.  I know this.  I am trying to lose weight, but it's hard.  In the meantime, I refuse to let another summer go by without enjoying myself.  People can tell I am fat whether I have on my bathing suit of shorts and a tshirt.  I decided that this year, I am going to wear a bathing suit, and I don't care what anyone else thinks.  I have spent the past 38 years of my life watching from the sidelines, worried about what people think of me.  For some reason, this year, I say fuck it.  Let people laugh at me.  Let people judge me.  I don't care.

And I have really, never been happier.