Can't Do It

I just wrote a post, but I can't find it in my heart to post it.

And that makes me sad.

It was all about this journey I am on, and how proud I am of myself, but I don't want nosy eyes reading it.

I used to love to blog...now, I have to censor myself, and that flat out sucks.

So, if you want to read my post, I will be happy to message it to you on Facebook. 

I just can't post it here. 

I wish people would just leave me alone, and let me live my own life. 

I mean, enough already.

Changes

I have always feared change.  I am a creature of habit...I love my routines.

Lately, my life has been anything but routine.  I have changed so much, and I am finding that I love the new me. 

I am so happy. 

For the past 16 years, I have lived for my family.  They were my everything.  I didn't have many friends, and none were close friends.  I guess you could say I had acquaintances.  These days, I have friends.  Friends who love me for me, and who are helping me so much as I figure out where I am meant to be at this point in my life.  My family has been amazing as well.  I don't know if I would have made it through the past two months without their help and support. 

I am truly blessed.

I have realized that there are people I can depend on, and people I can't. 

I have confidence, and not only because I have lost weight, but because I like who I am now.  On the inside as well as the outside. 

I realized that being a single mom is hard.  Really hard. 

But I can do it.  I am doing it.  Sure, I have to depend on people to help me, and as I said, I am lucky to have people I can depend on. 

My kids are still my life.  I live for them.  I work for them.  I do everything I can for them. 

But I have also learned that I need to do things for myself as well.  I am not to the point where I want to date, but it's nice knowing that I will have that option.  It's nice having friends I can go out to the bar with every once in a while to listen to some music and just hang out. 

I can't believe how much I love driving, and it kills me that I waited almost 40 years to do it.  I can't help but think about how different my life would have turned out if I learned to drive when I was a teenager.  I wonder if it would have made a difference in my marriage?

Probably not.

I am counting down the months until I can get my divorce.  There is, obviously, no chance of a reconciliation, and I want to get on with my life.  I hate that I have to wait a year, but at least it gives me something to look forward to. 

I probably won't be blogging for a while, with the move and all coming up.  I have been slack with it anyway, and the paid offers are few and far between these days.  I guess that's what happens when you stop networking.  My numbers are horrible, and I don't even really care anymore. 

I have more important things going on now...

I Usually Rock The Obligatory End Of The Year Post...

...but this year, it's just not in me.  To be honest, not much noteworthy has happened this year.  (I say that now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring)  The kids are one year older.  Junior is another year older.  I am still the same age. :)

I am happy to announce that a week after Christmas, I can say that I have kept my weight off all year.  I am carrying a few pounds from the holidays, but nothing I am going to stress over.  I have been doing the wii fit, which I love, and I plan on continuing with that.  I don't want to say I am making a resolution, but this year, I would like to lose another 50 pounds.  That would bring my total to 100 pounds lost.  I am not going to stress over it, but I am going to try and eat healthier.  And play the wii.

I think those of you who actually read this blog know that my husband's father is dying.  From what we have heard, he only has days left.  Junior is upset, of course.  As much as he distanced himself from the man over the last few years, he is still his father.  I am glad that we are still in therapy, and that Junior has someone to talk to about this.  I would have loved for him to have made amends with the man, but that was not to be.  I hope that this new year will bring peace to my husband.  He deserves it.

Life will go on...I can't believe I will be, ahem, 39 in February.  I know, it's hard to believe.  And that means that the year after that, I am going to be...um...I can't even type it!  I am not that old!

So, I am going to thank God for my little family.  For my parents and siblings, and their families.  For the fact that my family is close, and that we can always count on each other. 

As I say goodbye to 2010, I am looking forward to 2011.  I hope it is a year full of happiness and love, in my home as well as yours.

Today, My Daughter Told Me I Neglet Her....Yeah, Right!

Tonight, Brandi told me that I am neglecting her.  I find this quite amusing, actually.  You see, every night for the past few weeks, the kids and I have played a game of Clue.  I have been baking cookies with them, watching movies with them, and pretty much just hanging out with them.

Have I been busy?  Yes, I have.  Between dropping ecards, writing paid posts, networking and writing reviews, I have been swamped.  I have been staying up late, then sleeping in after the kids get back on the bus.  The only problem with this is that I have to "work" when the kids do homework, and in the evenings, and Brandi doesn't like it.  So, for the next two weeks while the kids are out of school, I am going to have to try and find a way to balance the time I work and the time I spend with the kids.

Junior is off for vacation the week between Christmas and new years, so not only will I have the kids home, he will be home too.  I am hoping we can spend some family time together...he kids want to head up to the mountains one day, and I'm really hoping we will have the money to do that.

So, if you don't hear from me (on this blog) until the new year, I hope you all have a safe and happy holiday season.

Merry Christmas!

I'm Coming Out Of My Shell

If you have been reading my blogs for any length of time, you know that I am an extremely shy, would rather stay in my house 24 hours a day and never deal with people type of person.  I always thought it was because of my weight, but I recently discovered that it had more to do with my boobs.  Sure, my weight and my boobs kind of go together...they were so big because I was so big. 

Let's go back for a moment.  Growing up, I was always the bigger sister.  I have a sister who is 14 months older than me, so I was always half a step behind her growing up.  She was thin and popular; I was not.  I could go on and on about things that were unfair (the biggest to me was that she got her own room, and I had to share with my two younger sisters who were 6 and 8 years younger than me...and I was 15 at the time) but I won't.  My point is that she got all the boyfriends, and she made sure that I didn't.  If I showed even the slightest interest in a guy, she would make sure he liked her, not me.  I think always being "second" fucked with my self esteem a little.  Okay, a lot. 

Anyway, I was wearing a "C" cup by the time I was in 8th grade, and the boys noticed.  They would make fun of me all the time.  I remember going through a phase where I didn't care how I looked...I didn't want any attention at all.  I wanted to blend in.  I wanted to not be noticed.  I got pretty good at being the wall flower.  Looking back, I think there might have been times when I was really depressed.  I remember one summer I did nothing but sit in my room and read.  Book after book. 

I didn't kiss a boy until I was 17, I think.  I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 18.  In fact, I can count on one hand the number of guys I have gone all the way with.  I was almost 19 my first time.  God, I loved that guy.  It took a while for me to believe that he loved me, because I spend so many years thinking I was not attractive enough, or pretty enough, to be loved by someone.  Can you say issues????

I think I am getting a little off track.  The point of this post is that last night, I didn't have my guard up. I was relaxed, and I had fun.  I participated in conversations, and let people in.  I ate (which I hate to do in front of people...I always think they are judging me) and laughed, and enjoyed spending time with my husband.  Now that I think about it, this is the first time we have gotten rid of the kids and done something for ourselves, just for fun.  We never have extra money, so we usually just hang out at home, which is fine with me.  But it was nice to get out and have fun.  I didn't let my weight hinder me.  I'm not sure if I would have felt the same way before my breast reduction.  I really do think that having that done was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

Ugggg...I ended up rambling.  Sorry.  Sometimes my fingers end up with a mind of their own.  Not sure if I made a point at all, but oh well.  At least you got a glimpse into my weird little head. 

Scary, right????

Peace. It's A Wonderful Feeling

For the first time in I can not tell you how long, my husband has been able to let his guard down at work.  We recently found out that his dad is now living in a nursing home about an hour away, so there is no possibility of him popping up in the store anymore making Junior's life miserable. 

My mom has halted all construction in her kitchen (which is almost done anyway) until after Christmas, so we have our weekends back.  Of course, we have two Saturday's of baking scheduled, and this weekend is Brandi's birthday, so we still have things going on.  BUT, they are things that don't involve too much manual labor for my husband, so that makes him happy.

I guess that's about it.  Things are quiet around here.  We like it that way.

Karma. She's A Bitch, Ya Know

I am a firm believer in the "do unto others" rule.  I spent my early marriage days drilling that into my husband's head, who was brought up believing "do whatever gets you what you want". 

I find comfort in knowing that both Bob (that's what we call Junior these days...long story) and I have lived most of our married life this way.  We treat the people we love with respect.  We do things for them, without expecting anything in return.  That was how I was raised.  This is how we are raising our kids.  Good deeds don't come with a price tag, or expectations of anything in return.

So, as you live your life, remember that if you treat the people around you like crap, in the end, you end up all alone, with only your dirty diapers keeping you company. 

And that just might be exactly what you deserve.

Sometimes

Sometimes, the things you think you buried have a way of rising up again. 

Sometimes, the things you thought you protected yourself from can come up and bite you on the ass while you're not even looking.

Sometimes, an innocent question from a friend can change your world in an instant.

Sometimes, even I don't know how to offer the comfort needed.

Sometimes, choosing to be alone is not the right answer.

Sometimes, it's better to let it all go, and move on.

Sometimes, I wish I could magically take away all the pain, and give my husband the childhood he deserved, instead of the one he had to live through.

And then there are days, like today, where I am proud to be married to such a strong, wonderful man, who can overcome all the hate and abuse, and be the better person.

So, I

So, I just walked into the kitchen to refill my drink, and I heard something in the drawer under my stove.  I knew it was a mouse.  There wasn't a doubt in my mind.

So, I woke up Junior, and he walks over and opens the drawer.  Sure enough, there was a mouse, and that sucker ran!  I am not sure where it is now, but I am in no way going to bed any time soon.  I'm too creeped out.  I am not necessarily afraid of mice...I just don't want them in my house, crawling on me while I'm sleeping.

So, yeah, I screamed like the little girl I am when that sucker showed it's face.  This is why I love cats.  This is the first place we have lived where we can't have cats, so we have mice.  I am also rethinking the no kill traps.  I think that little guy needs to die.

So, I am sitting here eating Halloween candy.  I know I shouldn't be, but the kids went out Saturday night and Sunday night, and there is a crap load of candy in my house right now.  And I have no willpower.

So I eat.

I went online yesterday trying to find a exercise video game for the wii.  Every single game I found needs the balance board, which I do not have.  I don't have the money to buy it right now, either.  And my sister tagged me in a photo on FB from my niece's birthday party, and I look fat.  Really fat.  And I hate it.  My face is so fat.  At least when I take a picture of myself, I know how to tilt my head to make my chin look like there is only one.  In candid shots, I always have a very fat face.  Check it out:

That's my brother and another of my nieces in the picture.  I look like a whale, and I hate it.  Yet, here I sit eating laffy taffy...only the banana.  Like that makes a difference.

So, I think I'm going to go play some games on FB...I really need to relax a little if I plan on sleeping tonight.

Shhhh....

I'm sitting here, dropping ecards, and sipping on a 44 ounce diet pepsi Junior brought home for me.  One soda a day won't hurt, will it?

Hi.

It's been a couple of weeks again, huh?  It's so easy for me to write on my other blogs, because writing about kids, food, and crafts are easy.  Writing about myself?  Not so much.

Went to McDonald's with my mom and the girls yesterday.  It was nice to b able to sit in a booth, and have a few inches between it and myself.  This time last year, I couldn't fit in a booth.  At all.  I don't think thin people think about those kinds of things...like fitting in a booth at a restaurant. 

We had a good therapy session last week.  Pretty much talked about nothing, which was nice.  Sometimes, these sessions are a relief.  We did tell our therapist about almost getting robbed, which she found scary and funny.  Kind of like we do now.  Looking back, we can all laugh at Junior going after the guy with a sledge hammer.  Even Brandi, which is awesome. 

I have been fighting some kind of kidney infection or something.  I have had the worst pain in my lower back and on my left front side.  I bought some medicine yesterday, and it is helping with the feeling like I have to pee every three minutes, but I am still in pain.  I haven't had any soda, only water, since yesterday, so I am hoping that will help, too. 

Starting tomorrow, I am going to start walking a little girl in my neighborhood to and from the bus stop.  She lives with her dad and Grandma, and the dad is going back to work, and the Grandma is sick and can't make it up and down the hill to the bus stop twice a day.  So the dad asked me to do it.  I was more than happy to.  I'm just praying I don't forget about her in the morning.  Her name is Caylyn, and she is 5.  And adorable.

Let's see...I have a few reviews I have to do this week, and all of the products were awesome!  The paid posts are still slow coming in, so I haven't been making much money, which sucks because I want to get my Christmas shopping going.  I bought a few things last week, but not nearly enough.

I think that's about it.  I need to get up and finish supper.  I breaded the chicken, and now I have to cook it.  I'm making hand breaded chicken nuggets, and I seriously can't wait to eat them.

Yum.

Perfect? Nah, Not Even Close.

I have been meaning to write this post since last Tuesday, but I seem to have my head screwed on backwards these days.  The kids are back in school, and we are slowly getting back into our routine.  I spent the summer not cooking, and have had to get back into the habit of cooking every night.  I am trying to cook well balanced meals, and it's been hard some nights.  I mean, there are nights it is just easier to open a jar of sauce and have pasta for supper with garlic bread.  Pure carbs, I know, but sometimes, it's the easiest thing.

I don't want to write about my cooking, though.  You all know I have another blog for that :).  I want to tell you about something we talked abut in therapy last week.  Some of you know that Junior had a bad weekend a few weeks ago.  He is stressed, and I have been thinking for a while now that he might be depressed again.  So, we started up his meds again, and he seems to be doing better.  (I know some of you don't believe in meds, but for us, there is no other choice...I can't and won't go into specifics here)  We ended up going to our family doctor, who I love.  He was our doctor back when we had insurance, and he has been the kids doctor forever.  In fact, he was the one who told me I was pregnant with Brandi.  Anyway, we went and spoke with him for a good while, and Junior seems to be back on track.

When we were in therapy last week, we were talking about how Junior was doing, and one of our therapists, Myra, asked why I decided to stand by Junior and be so supportive.  That question kind of shocked me, and I told her so.  She asked why, and I told her that it never even entered my mind not to be supportive.  I mean, he is my husband.  It's what I'm supposed to do.  I did point out that by the end of the weekend, I was ready to bitch slap him and tell him to suck it up, but that was when he was kind of feeling better.

So my question to you is this...if you are married, would you walk away from your spouse if they were going through a difficult period?  If so, how much is enough?

Elizabeth, our main therapist, actually said that Junior and I have a "real" marriage, and we should be role models for other married couples.  She said we don't have the preconceived notion that life is going to be a big romance story.  We have love.  Real love.  Comfortable love. Simple as that.  We have been through so much together.  Stuff that would have probably resulted in divorce in many other couples.  (I am not talking about cheating or anything like that...just family drama and money issues and depression and all the normal everyday crap) 

I am in no way bragging here, and I was pretty embarrassed when she was saying all of this, but when I thought about it later, I think she kind of had a point.  My marriage is in no way perfect, but we don't expect it to be.  But, when one of us is down, after the other makes fun for a moment, there is a lot of lifting up going on.  I know, without a doubt, that Junior would do anything for me.  I know this.  He has proven it time and time again.

It was my time to be there for him, and I am happy to say that I was.

Happy

I. Am. Happy.

Such a simple little sentence, yet so hard for some people to be.  Some people, no matter what life throws at them, are just not happy.  They could be surrounded by family and friends, people who love them, yet they are unhappy, and they feel like they have to make evreyone else around them unhappy, too.

I am a happy person, most of the time.  But like everyone, life can sometimes make things less than perfect.  From now on, I want to be that happy person, who sees the good in every situation.

I am going to stop worrying about things I can not change, and be happy with the things that are wonderful in my life.  In fact, my life is wonderful.  I have a husband who loves me and kids I adore.  Are we the perfect family?  Heck no.  I threaten to punch Ryan in the face at least three times a week.  The way I see it, I hardly ever spank the kids.  In fact, I can not even remember the last time Ryan (or the girls) was spanked.  I mean, he's 14 years old.  So, instead of threatening to spank him, I threaten to punch him.  We both know I'll never do it...in fact, most of the time he laughs in my face.  Not in a disrespectful way...it is so hard to describe the relationship I have with my kids.  I am most definitely the parent, and they listen to me (most of the time) without too much hassle.  I am also kind of their friend, but not in the way that means I'm not the mom.  Does that make sense?  We joke around and stuff, but when push comes to shove, they know who's in charge.  There is a definite line, and they know not to cross it.  Oy, I am confusing myself right now.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all know how to have fun.  I seriously don't know what would happen if we didn't laugh around here.  We spend so much time being silly and funny...and it's wonderful. 

We're happy. 

All of us.

Together.

And I love it.

On The Right Track, Only It's Not My Track

Hmmm...I wish I could open up and tell you all what has been going on around here, but I can't.  Too many lurkers (who think I don't know that they are) are still reading my blogs, and they don't deserve to know what is going on in my world.

So go away!  We want nothing to do with you.  Is that really a hard thing to understand?

The rest of you...message me on facebook, and I'll catch you up. 

Quick Question

Why do I always have to be the strong one?

My Journey, Huh?

Well, lately my journey sucks.  I am having too much fun spending time with my family to worry about things like eating right and exercising.  But. most of my time has been spent swimming, which is supposed to be great exercise.  And since we are in the pool so much, I am not snacking.  Which is awesome.  Except at night.  I have no willpower at night.  Seriously.  I can go all day without eating, but once the sun goes down, I can eat everything in sight.  I don't.  But I could.

I haven't lost any weight, and am still up a couple of pounds.  I am okay with that, though, because I am staying pretty steady, which for me is a big deal.  I mean, it's been a year since I lost a big hunk of weight, and I have kept it off.  For a freakin' year!  I have never done that before.  Sure, I want to lose more.  But right now I am going to be happy with maintaining. 

The kids go back to school two weeks from today.  I can not believe the Summer has gone by so quickly.  I am looking forward to getting back into our daily routine, though.  I love this quiet time at night, when I am the only one awake.  It's so peaceful.  I tried doing bedtimes tonight, to get them back into the swing of things.  Brandi finally fell asleep around 11, even though I had her in bed at 9.  We watched Huge together, so she really went down at 10, but I am hoping to have her back to regular bedtime by next week.  Last year, she went to bed at 7:30, but was allowed to watch 30 minutes of TV before going to sleep.  She usually fell asleep before 8.  This year, she wants to stay up until 9.  I am not sure how she will do with that, since we get up at 5:30am.  That's only 8 1/2 hours sleep, and I prefer she get closer to 10.  But, I guess we'll try it out and see.  Ryan is almost 15, and wants to stay up later, too.  last year he went to bed at 10, and I still think that is late enough.

Seriously, why am I rambling on about my kids bedtimes?  Like ya'll really care about all that.  And this blog is supposed to be about me, not my kids.  I have other blogs for that.

We have therapy tomorrow.  We haven't been for a month...I was sick last session and Junior refused to go without me, even though this is his therapy, and I am only there for support.  It's funny...last time we saw our therapist, we were talking about going more frequently.  Oh well.

I guess that's about it.  If you made it this far, well, thanks for reading.  I know I ramble sometimes.  That's just how my mind works.

Hey! Hello! How Ya Doin'?

Me?  I'm doing just fine.  I've been swimming, and blogging, and watching scary movies with Kasi.  I have so many reviews coming up on "my kids" blog...I am loving the products I am getting to test out!  I finally feel like I made a name for myself in this blog world.  My blog is gaining sponsors, which is awesome, and I have some giveaways coming up, too.  Seriously, I am having a flippin' ball!

My weight?  Still the same.  Exactly the same.  No change whatsoever!  Now, this should be frustrating, but since I am not dieting, or exercising regularly, I have come to accept this.  I know when I start putting a little effort into it, I will start losing again.  I know this.  I just have to get to that point, and right now, I have too much going on, so I am going to be happy with simply maintaining right now.

Junior went to the clinic yesterday, and was put on the waiting list.  It could take up to six months for him to get in to see the doctor, which sucks, but what else can we do?

The kids go back to school a month from Friday...August 16.  I can not believe that Summer vacation is almost over.  As much as I am enjoying staying up late and sleeping in, I am looking forward to the routine we will be in once they go back. 

I have cracked on the whole water thing.  I know, I know.  I did so good for a while, and then I had a diet sprite, and that was it.  But, I have been doing the wii, and loving it! 

I guess that's about it.  I have some work to do over on the other blog, so I need to get my big ole butt in gear...

Am I Still Motivated Today?

The only thing I am doing right this week is drinking water.

Lots and lots of water.

The good thing is that I have only had two sodas since Monday, and both were on the way to my mom's house, and I didn't finish either one.  I am actually wanting the water.

Weird, I know.

The only downside is that it goes right through me.  I got up about six times last night alone...it was crazy!

As far as the other two goals for this week...yeah, I'm not holding my breath.

I Feel A Long Winded, Rambling Post Coming On...

Just give me a day or two to get my thoughts straight.  I feel like I have a million things to say, but nothing is making sense in my head right now.  Sleep may help...

Life

I have been so busy.  Which is so unlike me.  You all know I would rather sit home than go out.  Unless it's for Chinese food.  Then all bets are off.

Seriously, though.  I could quite easily become a hermit, as long as I had my family and computer.  I like being home, following my routine, and that has not happened much since school let out.  Actually, I think it started with my Tennessee trip.  Since then, it seems like we have something to do, or somewhere to go, every day.

And it's beginning to bug me.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I love going to my mom's house to swim and hang out with her.  The kids are having a ball in the pool.  So am I.  They have all learned to swim in the deep end, even Brandi.  But being away from home so much has gotten us out of our routine.  Brandi has been staying up until after midnight every night.  Last night she was up until almost 3.  Going to bed late means sleeping late in the morning, which means I don't have enough time to get the housework done, much less my computer work.  Doing paid posts is a lot more work than just doing the posts.  I have to network my blog, comment like crazy (which I suck at, as most of you know) and keep up connections I've made.  Some days it is exhausting.

But, I love doing it.  It allows me to stay home with the kids.  So all these hours spent in the pool means I am not blogging.  Which is a good thing.  I am out in the world, spending time with the kids and my mom, ad having a wonderful time. 

Wait, where was I going with this?  Right.  I haven't been home much lately.

Next week, my grandmother will be visiting from Florida.  She's coming in on Saturday, and will be here until next weekend.  Then we have Eclipse coming out and 4th of July weekend.  Oh, and my anniversary is Tuesday, June 22nd (15 years!  Holy crap!) and then we have a friend's birthday dinner two days later. 

Maybe by the second week of July things will go back to normal.

Or maybe not.

Oh, and just in case you are wondering, my weight loss has stalled, which is pissing me off, because I have been swimming so much!