She Let Herself Go

There is this country song that talks about a woman whose husband left, so she let herself go....she let herself do all the things her husband held her back from doing.  I think George Straight sings it, but I'm not sure.

I feel like that woman.

I have been doing so many new things, it's crazy.  Most of you know that I am now driving, though I can only drive with someone for now since I only have my permit.  I have always said that I was afraid to drive, but let me tell you, I am loving it!  I am good at it, too.  My friend Donna has been letting me drive everywhere...I even tackled merging onto the interstate, something I was terrified to do.

I went out, too.  My same friend's brother took us out to eat at a steakhouse (something Bob and I could never afford) and then for drinks at a bar where we listened to a band and I laughed like crazy.  Seriously, I can not remember the last time I had so much fun with adults.

I have been swimming every day at a local pool.  I go with Donna every morning once the kids get on the bus, and spend an hour or two doing laps.  We started last Wednesday, and I can already tell that I am toning up a little.  My legs are a little more flexible, and my pants are a bit loser.  I am sure it has nothing to do with the almost 20 pounds I have lost recently. :)

Oh, I have been wearing makeup, too.  This is something I haven't done the entire time I was married.  (well, I guess I am still technically married...what the hell am I supposed to call him...I'm still a little fuzzy about that) I am actually taking pride in my appearance, and people are noticing.  I like that people notice.  It makes me feel good.

The kids and I are going to continue seeing Elizabeth.  Last week, she spoke to the kids alone for the first time, and I will find out tomorrow what she thinks.  During our session last week, I asked her how much it will cost for us to come, since Bob was going through a free clinic, and I'm not covered to go alone.  She made me cry when she told me that she would see us for a long as we wanted and not charge us anything.  She said she loves us all, and is more interested in us getting better than making money.  I seriously love this woman.  I am looking forward to tomorrows session.

For this week, though, I have got to concentrate on finding a job.  Not one place that I applied to has called yet, and I have to do something.  Any ideas????

I Went To Therapy Today

This morning, I called our therapist, to tell her what happened.  She asked me to come in, and I did.  As I was signing in, I saw the last sign in slip, and it had Bob's name on it. 

Of course, I knew Elizabeth couldn't tell me anything, but when we got in the room, I told her I saw the slip and asked if he had been in.  She said he had, and that he gave her permission to tell me everything they had talked about, with the exception of where he is.  As much as it hurt to hear her tell me what he's thinking, I felt so much better knowing.  I think it was easier for him to talk to her than to me, so by giving her permission to tell me, he found a way to let me know what's going on.

I don't want to get into specifics, but I now know that there is no way to fix my marriage.  It's over.  Elizabeth cried with me, and said she cried with him as well.  I was so proud of him for going to see her and talking things out with her.  I was able to get a message to him, through her, that I am not angry with him, and that I don't want to fight.  I want to make things as right as they can be, with him seeing the kids as much as he can.  Fortunately, she was able to reach him, and when he called tonight to tell the kids goodnight, we talked as well for a while.  I needed him to know that I am not going to go all crazy and show up at his work and harass him.  I needed him to know that I only want what is best for him, even if that means being away from me.  It was a good conversation, and we actually made some progress towards how the next few months will go until the school year ends.  At that time, I will move in with my mom.  The kids will have to change school districts, and I know it will be hard, but we will survive.  I am going to get my license and a job, and stand on my own two feet for the first time in my life.

Scary?  Hell yeah.  I am terrified.  Will I be okay?  Hell yeah.  I see my future, and even though it's not the forever I thought I would have with my husband, it is going to be an awesome future none the less.

Or at least that is what I keep telling myself.

I Lost 9 Pounds This Week

That's right...9 pounds in one week.  Awesome, right? 

It would be if I didn't do it by catching the flu.  I have been miserable since last Wednesday.  I find it hard to eat when I can not breathe through my nose, so I just haven't been eating. 

I am just hoping that once I get to eating right again, I can keep it off. 

On the plus side, my husband was diagnosed yesterday with diabetes.  Not that that in and of itself is a good thing...the new way of eating is going to be a great thing.  I am learning so much about portion size and better eating, and I am excited to make this a permanent way of life for all of us.

Any tips about diabetes I need to know?

Wiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!

So....I love the wii fit.  LOVE IT!  I have been doing it pretty regularly, and I have lost almost a pound.  I know...it's not much, but it's a start.  I gained a little, about seven pounds, between Thanksgiving and New Years, so I am working really hard to lose that.  I am also making an effort to eat a little better, and as soon as we get back into a routine around here, I am going to start dieting.  I don't remember if I mentioned this anywhere...maybe on FB...but they did away with Bob's position at work.  That means no more set hours, no more weekends off.  He will go back to working different hours all the time, and he's kind of stressing about it.  I think it will be a good thing.  Right now, as much as I like him being home in the evenings and weekends, we never have time for just us.  With these new hours, we may actually have more time to spend together, which is going to be nice.

Anyway, back to the wii fit.  I have been trying to do different things every day, but the one think I always do is the step routine.  I do it for thirty minutes, and then spend another thirty minutes boxing, or doing kung fu...oh, and they have this obstacle course that is kicking my ass, but I love it!  I am usually dripping with sweat by the time I finish, which is great.  There is actually a site dedicated to moms who are losing weight with the wii, and I think I might join in on some of the forums and see what other moms are saying.  I have a hard time putting myself out there, though, which is shocking, right, since I have so many blogs....but it's the one on one that I have problems with.  I want to stay motivated, though, and finally get some of this weight off.  Losing the 50 pounds over a year ago and keeping it off is a huge accomplishment for me.  It tells me that I am finally learning how to keep it off instead of gaining it all, plus some, back.  So, I am encouraged that if I lose more, I will be able to keep that off too.  Fingers crossed, right?

I have also been having issues with my dang wisdom tooth again.  This time, though, I have decided to go have it pulled.  We have already filed our taxes, and our money should be in within the next two weeks, so I will finally have the money to have it removed.  Now I just need the guts to do it.  I am such a chicken.  Plus, I know any dentist who looks in my mouth will know it's been many, many years since the last time I've been.  I don't want to be judged, I just want to be pain free. 

We didn't end up going to therapy last week because of the snow, but we did go today.  Elizabeth asked Bob how he was doing since his dad's death, and to be honest, he's been okay.  He had a moment Sunday when he got upset, and I knew that something was bothering him.  Turns out, it was my dad and his friend Duane's dad.  Let me back up...Friday night, I was on facebook, when all of a sudden my computer was attacked, and when all was said and done, I could not get on the internet.  I called my dad for help, and he told me to run scans and stuff, but nothing worked.  So Saturday morning, he called and asked if I wanted him to come look at it.  Of course I said yes, and within thirty minutes he had me back online.  My dad rocks.  Then later that afternoon, he went to help his friend do something for his dad, and seeing them interact, on top of seeing my dad come and rescue me, upset him because he never had that kind of relationship with his dad, and now he never has the opportunity to.  I told him that he can't change the past, but he can continue his awesome relationship with Ryan, and know that there will never be a day when Ryan feels about him how he feels about his dad.  Make sense?

But, other than that, he has been doing really well.  And I think I have rambled enough.  Time to go check facebook and then call it a night.  Hope you all had a good one.