I Went To Therapy Today

This morning, I called our therapist, to tell her what happened.  She asked me to come in, and I did.  As I was signing in, I saw the last sign in slip, and it had Bob's name on it. 

Of course, I knew Elizabeth couldn't tell me anything, but when we got in the room, I told her I saw the slip and asked if he had been in.  She said he had, and that he gave her permission to tell me everything they had talked about, with the exception of where he is.  As much as it hurt to hear her tell me what he's thinking, I felt so much better knowing.  I think it was easier for him to talk to her than to me, so by giving her permission to tell me, he found a way to let me know what's going on.

I don't want to get into specifics, but I now know that there is no way to fix my marriage.  It's over.  Elizabeth cried with me, and said she cried with him as well.  I was so proud of him for going to see her and talking things out with her.  I was able to get a message to him, through her, that I am not angry with him, and that I don't want to fight.  I want to make things as right as they can be, with him seeing the kids as much as he can.  Fortunately, she was able to reach him, and when he called tonight to tell the kids goodnight, we talked as well for a while.  I needed him to know that I am not going to go all crazy and show up at his work and harass him.  I needed him to know that I only want what is best for him, even if that means being away from me.  It was a good conversation, and we actually made some progress towards how the next few months will go until the school year ends.  At that time, I will move in with my mom.  The kids will have to change school districts, and I know it will be hard, but we will survive.  I am going to get my license and a job, and stand on my own two feet for the first time in my life.

Scary?  Hell yeah.  I am terrified.  Will I be okay?  Hell yeah.  I see my future, and even though it's not the forever I thought I would have with my husband, it is going to be an awesome future none the less.

Or at least that is what I keep telling myself.

Therapy

Today, our therapist learned that Junior and I are not perfect, and that we fight just like everyone else.  probably not as often as most couples, but when I get pissed off, well, I get PISSED OFF.  I don't want to go into details, because, well, it's really not that big of a deal.  Let's just say that Junior did something that really hurt my feelings, and I was not talking to him.  So we go into therapy today, and Elizabeth (our therapist) asks me how I feel about something, and I told her that I was mad at Junior and not speaking to him, so I was not the best person to ask questions to.  This, of course, led to questions about why I was mad at him, and it ended with me in tears, throwing tissues at my husband.  Of course, things are fine now, and talking helped Junior to see why I was so upset with him.  That's one of the best things about therapy...we talk, we resolve things, and we move on.  I think that is one of the biggest things I love about my marriage...we don't hold grudges, and we never get nasty with each other.  There is never name calling, or things said that we later wish we could take back.

Other than that, therapy was fine.  I gave Elizabeth the plant and she loved it.  Actually, Brandi gave it to her.  And speaking of Brandi, my kid is so smart.  I mean, seriously smart.  I had a conference with her teacher yesterday, and she went over some test scores with me that blew me away.  They do MAP testing, and for 3rd graders, they should score a 192 in math and reading, and a 193 in language.  Brandi scored a 213 in reading and language, and a 215 in math.  Her teacher said these are 5/6th grade scores.  I was blown away.  I always knew she was smarter than kids her age, but I didn't think she was that far advanced.  I worry now that she will get bored in school.  Hopefully, the advanced classes she is in will keep her challenged.

Okay, so this blog is not supposed to be about the kids.  It's supposed to be about me.  But, I guess a big part of who I am is a mom.  And I love it.

Perfect? Nah, Not Even Close.

I have been meaning to write this post since last Tuesday, but I seem to have my head screwed on backwards these days.  The kids are back in school, and we are slowly getting back into our routine.  I spent the summer not cooking, and have had to get back into the habit of cooking every night.  I am trying to cook well balanced meals, and it's been hard some nights.  I mean, there are nights it is just easier to open a jar of sauce and have pasta for supper with garlic bread.  Pure carbs, I know, but sometimes, it's the easiest thing.

I don't want to write about my cooking, though.  You all know I have another blog for that :).  I want to tell you about something we talked abut in therapy last week.  Some of you know that Junior had a bad weekend a few weeks ago.  He is stressed, and I have been thinking for a while now that he might be depressed again.  So, we started up his meds again, and he seems to be doing better.  (I know some of you don't believe in meds, but for us, there is no other choice...I can't and won't go into specifics here)  We ended up going to our family doctor, who I love.  He was our doctor back when we had insurance, and he has been the kids doctor forever.  In fact, he was the one who told me I was pregnant with Brandi.  Anyway, we went and spoke with him for a good while, and Junior seems to be back on track.

When we were in therapy last week, we were talking about how Junior was doing, and one of our therapists, Myra, asked why I decided to stand by Junior and be so supportive.  That question kind of shocked me, and I told her so.  She asked why, and I told her that it never even entered my mind not to be supportive.  I mean, he is my husband.  It's what I'm supposed to do.  I did point out that by the end of the weekend, I was ready to bitch slap him and tell him to suck it up, but that was when he was kind of feeling better.

So my question to you is this...if you are married, would you walk away from your spouse if they were going through a difficult period?  If so, how much is enough?

Elizabeth, our main therapist, actually said that Junior and I have a "real" marriage, and we should be role models for other married couples.  She said we don't have the preconceived notion that life is going to be a big romance story.  We have love.  Real love.  Comfortable love. Simple as that.  We have been through so much together.  Stuff that would have probably resulted in divorce in many other couples.  (I am not talking about cheating or anything like that...just family drama and money issues and depression and all the normal everyday crap) 

I am in no way bragging here, and I was pretty embarrassed when she was saying all of this, but when I thought about it later, I think she kind of had a point.  My marriage is in no way perfect, but we don't expect it to be.  But, when one of us is down, after the other makes fun for a moment, there is a lot of lifting up going on.  I know, without a doubt, that Junior would do anything for me.  I know this.  He has proven it time and time again.

It was my time to be there for him, and I am happy to say that I was.