It's Been An Emotionally Rough Week

My father-in-law had a stroke a couple of weeks ago.  Apparently, he is having a hard time recovering from this one (he has had several in recent years).  I pray every night for him to get better, but in my heart, I really don't care if he does. 

I'm a horrible person, I know.  It's just that something happened last weekend, and I am having a hard time with it.  I have known for a while how Junior feels about his dad.  What I didn't know was how my son feels about him.  I mean, Junior and I have been in therapy for two years now dealing with his anger towards his dad, and it never occurred to me that the kids might have some anger towards him, too. 

This completely broke my heart.  For the first time, I broke down in therapy.  I can not stand to see so much hate and anger in my son.  He's 14, and shouldn't have to be this way.  Now, before I get the comments about how we've filled his head with negative thoughts, let me assure you.  That's not how it is.  Ryan is angry about how Junior is always on edge about his dad.  He's angry that his dad is hurting.  Know what I'm saying?  Our therapist recommended that Ryan come in for a session, or even start seeing a therapist of his own. 

How did this happen?  How did I not see that Ryan was so angry?  Why are these people still having an impact on my family two years after we broke ties?  My kids are so close to my mom, so they know how a grandparent is supposed to act.  It never occurred to me that they might be missing that with their other grandparents.  We assumed that our decision to walk away was the best thing for our family, but we never asked the kids how they felt about it.  Their answers wouldn't have changed our minds, but we might have gone about it differently.  Am I even making sense? 

There are other things going on, too, but I'm not going to torture you with all the details.  Let's just say that I have cried more in the last week than I have in the last year.  I have had my "woe is me" moments, and I have also realized something pretty important.

Are you ready?  I eat when I'm upset.  You're shocked, right?  I realized this when in therapy, after my meltdown, I looked at Junior and told him I needed ice cream.  In fact, I told him I needed a chocolate peanut butter milk shake from Sonic.  And you know what?  It made me feel better.

Analyze that! lol!

I Didn't See This Coming

I started doing this paid posting thing about eight months ago. At first, it was fun making money while being home with the kids. Today, my brain is fried. There are days where the opps are slow coming, and then there are days like today where there are so many my head feels like it will explode. I am in no way complaining, because we need the money, but I just don't have anything else to write about today. My brain is fried. That said, I have something to say.

The weirdest thing happened today. Junior was sitting in the van on break, eating breakfast this morning when his dad pulled up beside him. He asked Junior if we wanted to come to a cook out at his house.

WTF?

We haven't had anything to do with this man for almost a year, and he wants us to come over and have a cookout? Junior told him no, obviously. Now, had Junior said yes, we would have gone. This whole thing with his family was his decision, as much as certain people would like to blame me. I am supportive of my husband, no matter what he decides.

Thinking

Therapy was kinda hard today. Not for Junior, but for me.

We started talking about his mom.

I tried for MANY years to get Junior to talk to his mom. They were not speaking when I met him 14 years ago, and it took up until I was pregnant with Brandi for him to really have anything to do with her.

Most of you know that all changed last year right around the time his dad's wife kicked him out, and I had my surgery. I became the bad person because I wanted to protect my family. I did what any mother would do...I put my kids, and my husband, before anyone. That meant making hard choices. Some of those choices were perceived the wrong way. This lead to certain members of Junior's family pretending to be other people to get close to me on facebook and my blogs. The one on facebook I caught right away. The other took me a few months, and I can not believe I didn't catch it sooner. As soon as I mentioned on my blog about my suspicions, this "blogger" closed her blog. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Kelsey, our therapist (she's "our" therapist now! lol), wants me to think about coming in and doing a private session with her, because she saw how upset talking about things made me today. Junior refuses to talk about his mom, even in therapy. He doesn't think that relationship is worth repairing. That is his choice, not mine. I wish things could be different with some members of his family. It makes me sad that my kids lost all their cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents. I do, however, tell them all the time that just because we don't see or talk to them, that doesn't mean that they don't love them. I refuse to hurt my kids more, and I refuse to talk bad about Junior's family to them. Even though it has been almost a year since we've moved and his dad has not asked ONE TIME how the kids are, I won't let them believe that he doesn't love them. Even though Junior's mom is not actively in their lives, I let them know that she does love them. My kids know they are loved, by many, many people, and that is what is important.

Do I wish things could be different? Absolutely.

But I can not change who I am, nor do I want to.

And Junior's family has made it clear that they do not like who I am.

And for me, that will be hard to forgive.

Wait...what was the point of this? I got kind of side tracked there. Oh, yeah, that I need to see Kelsey privately, or that she wants to see me privately. I guess it's a good thing, because I do have a lot of anger towards his mom. Well, maybe not towards his mom, as about the situation with his mom. Does that make sense?

My head is spinning right now, and I need to clear it so I can sleep tonight. I'm just so thankful that my kids have my mom...the one person they know they can count on besides Junior and I.

Randomness....

Tomorrow is therapy again. It's our first time going in the afternoon with brandi, so it should be interesting to see if she likes hanging out in the waiting room. It's been a pretty good week, so there shouldn't be much to discuss....

other than Junior's dad going into The Home Depot and telling Junior's boss that he should fire the useless asshole they have working in lumber.

Can you feel the love?

I can...it oozes out of every word that comes out of that man's mouth.

What kind of a father tries to get his son fired, knowing he is working to support his wife and three kids...HIS grandchildren? I just don't get it.

BUT...we have moved on, and Junior's boss knows what's going on, and when Junior asked why he didn't tell him...we heard it from the man who was with his dad at the time...he said it was because the only thing his dad accomplished was making himself look like an idiot.

Well, yeah.

But anyway, enough of that. I got on the scale this morning, and am down another couple of pounds. Yay me! I was shocked when Junior came home from work today and started talking about what we could do to lose weight. He started his new schedule, and has been home by 2:30 every day. He was saying how he wants to start going to the park and walking every day when he gets off...

HELLO!!!! I have been saying this for MONTHS!!!! But, as long as we start doing it, that's all that is important. I am really excited about it, actually. It will be nice to be doing SOMETHING, ya know?

Um....haven't heard anything about the applications I filled out. I know it's only been a couple of days, but I was hoping. Actually, what I am really hoping is that my friend Nicole gets a job so I can keep her daughter again, that way I don't have to work. I have been doing pretty well with the paid posting, and would love to be able to stay home and do this, plus keep a kid. That would be perfect. But, life is not perfect, so we'll make due. I could always go back to fast food...even though I DO NOT WANT TO! I am getting too old for that. Maybe I'll apply at the dollar store...that would be wonderful! I just can't work for minimum wage. It's so frustrating.

Mother's Day is Sunday. I won't get to see my mom, she will be spending the day with my brother's family. My kids, however, have lots of things planned for me. I hope the first thing on their list is letting me sleep in. I need about eight hours of straight sleep. The past few weeks I have gotten just broken sleep, and my body feels it. I feel like I have a newborn again. I need sleep....

...which is where I should be heading right now, but I won't. I'll stay up and drop my ecards at midnight, head to bed around 1, get up at 3 to get Junior up, then back up at 5:15 to get the kids to school....