Friendship

I have been toying with writing this post for the past week or so.  I am not sure where I want to go with it, or even if what I am going to say is going to be post-worthy.  But, I need to sort things out, and this is usually the best place to do it.

Nine years ago, Junior and I lived in a trailer park.  It was a small park, with only ten homes.  Five on each side of the street.  It was a quiet place to live, and we were happy there.  The only problem was that it was a 2 bedroom, which was fine when Kasi and Ryan were that little.  But, once I got pregnant with Brandi, I knew we wouldn't stay there much longer.  Anyway, we had this neighbor.  She was a single woman, about ten years older than me.  We lived there for a while before we actually "met" her, but it wasn't until Brandi as born that her and I became friends.  We actually became very good friends.  She was always at my house, from morning until night.  She even came to family events with me, and my family got to know her well.  She didn't really work (she was trying to get on disability, so she held part time jobs...but never the same one for too long) so she had a series of boyfriends who paid her bills and gave her money.  Luckily, she owned her home, so her bills were minimal.  When ever she did get extra money, she always spent it on my kids. She especially treated Brandi like one of her own.

As time went on, I got to know her more and more, and I realized that there were things about her that I wasn't too fond of.  For instance, she was a compulsive liar.  I mean, it got to the point where I would know she was lying, but she would do it anyway.  I caught her in several lies, but instead of confronting her, I just let it go.  Then one day, about five years ago, she went a little insane and ended up in the psych ward for three days.  This just so happened to have occurred during a week that my sister was visiting from NY.  Well, She called me from the hospital, and said that she needed me to go to the hospital and sign her out, and take responsibility for her.  There were several reasons why I didn't do it.  For one, my sister hardly ever visits, and I wasn't about to change my plans with her.  Selfish?  Maybe. The second and more important reason...there was no way that I wanted to be responsible for her.  She has a grown (and married) daughter who refused to do it, so why should it fall on me?

After that, she didn't come around or call for a few weeks.  I knew she was probably ticked, but oh well.  Eventually, things got back to normal, and she was at my house all the time again. By this point, we had moved to a new house, and we weren't neighbors anymore.  I was getting tired of catching her in lies, and I was finally beginning to realize that she may not be someone I want to be friends with.  My sisters called her toxic, and I started to agree.  there are a lot of other things that happened, but you get the gist of it.  So eventually, I stopped taking her calls.  When she came by the house, Junior would tell her I was out with my sister or my mom.  After a few weeks, I think she got the message, because she stopped calling.

So, a few weeks ago, she went into where my brother in law works, and started asking about me.  At this point, it's been about four years or more since I have seen her.  he didn't want to give out my number, so he took her number to give to me.  He told me about it, and I wasn't too excited, or eager, to call her, so I didn't even take the number from him.

Well, last Monday, the park manager stopped Junior as he was coming in from work to tell him that some lady was looking for us.  It was her.  I couldn't believe it!  Apparently, my brother-in-law had told her the general area where we lived, and she drove around until she found us.  (I found out later that she stopped and talked to anyone she could find in their yards, asking them if they knew us!) Now that she knew where we lived, I felt it was best to just call her so she would stop coming around.

Now, this chick can talk.  I am talking about the type of person who will cut you off mid-sentence to talk about themselves.  So, I called her.  And she talked.  And talked.  And talked.  For about an hour and a half.  Not once did she ask how I have been...she just talked about herself.  I agreed to have her come by and see the kids, because she did love them like her own, and she wanted to see them.  Well, when she came over, she acted like the past four+ years never happened.  She bought my kids some school clothes, and has been here almost every day since then.  Yesterday, she called and asked if she could take me to lunch.  Actually, she called and said she was coming to get me, so I better be ready.  She treated us to a nice lunch, and I kind of enjoyed myself.  It's been a long time since I have been "out" without the kids or Junior.

Here is my dilemma.  I am still not sure I want to get too involved with her.  I don't know if I can believe anything she says, but I know she has a heart of gold and doesn't mean any harm...it's just how she is.  Listening to her talk this past week, it's apparent that she has no other friends.  She never did.  She has boyfriends, but no close girlfriends.  I don't know if I am feeling bad for her, or if I really want to be her friend again.  Does that make sense?

Does any of this make sense?  I know I've rambled, and I hope what I am trying to say has come through.  I guess my question to you is, have you ever (or do you now) had a needy friend, and if so, how did (or do you) keep your distance without hurting their feelings? 

Reflecting

I love Facebook.  I really do. It's such great fun to find old friends, and see what they have been up to the last, oh, 20 years or so.  Night before last I found a friend who I used to go to church with. 

A little back story:

Growing up in New York, it was considered different not to be Catholic.  I was, and still am, Baptist.  There were not very many Baptist churches on Long Island, but my grandparents went to one, and every Sunday they would pick up me, my brother and my sister, and off we would go.  I remember doing this as far back as i can remember.  My parents would show up for services sometimes, but never Sunday school. 

I loved this church.  Being just 14 months younger than my sister, i kind of gravitated towards her friends, and never really had any of my own.  Except in church.  In fact, my best friend growing up was a boy whose parents were best friends with my grandparents.  (they adopted him later in life, so they were my grandparents age by the time we were in high school)  I was allowed to sleep over his house, and it was never questioned.  Of course, nothing ever happen, though everyone would have sworn we would have gotten married someday. 

Anyway, the church we went to was small, and the youth group was even smaller.  I think there were maybe ten of us, and we were all really close.  I used to go every Sunday, day and night, and Wednesday nights just to hang out with my friends.  I remember sitting in the back pew, passing notes while the pastor preached his sermon.  We got busted a few times, if I remember correctly, by leaving our notes in the hymnals.

We went on youth retreats.  We took day trips into the city with the church bus (which was nothing more than an old school bus that barely ran).  We did Christmas programs.  And Pioneer Girls.  And potlucks.  

I really do look back on those years as some of the best from my childhood.  Then one day, my dad decided that he wanted us to change churches, and I was so angry with him.  By this time my best friend was driving, and I thought I was old enough to decide which church I wanted to attend.  I could just go with him was my logic, but my dad didn't let me.  If I remember correctly, my sister was driving by this time, and she would take all of us to Sunday school, and then church.  I don't ever remember my parents going...but that could just be my failing memory.  I didn't like this new church.  It was big, and the friends I loved were not there.  I grew up in that other church, and that is where I wanted to be.

It wasn't too long after this that we stopped going to church altogether.  I truly believe that my life would be so different right now if we had never left that little church.  I was on the right path back then.  Not that I am on the wrong path now, because I wouldn't trade one second of the past 20 years for anything.  I just think that I would have made different choices along the way. 

Like staying in church.

So, I found one of my closest girlfriends from back then on Facebook.  She is married to one of the guys who was in our tight little group of friends at church, and they have four daughters.  She is still very involved with her church, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little jealous of her.

And I can't for the life of me figure out exactly why.  I mean, I think it is because I wish I was part of a church again.  I want my kids to go to Sunday school, but with Junior and I, not my parents.  I just can not get Junior to go.  You see, we have a difference of opinion when it comes to choosing a church.  I want to go to a Baptist church, and he doesn't.  He wants to go to a Church Of God.  I think that because I was raised in church, and I have pretty strong beliefs, that he should do what I want.  Selfish?  Maybe.  But he went to church only on holidays, and it was never a good experience for him.  I think if he will just try a Baptist church, he will like it.  I know the kids would love it.

My mom has been talking about finding a new church, and I seriously think that we should all go together.  I mean, church is all about family, so why not go with family.  Right?

I need to stop making excuses.  I need to go out and get some church clothes (now that I have lost some weight I can get some stuff in smaller sizes :) ) for myself and the kids.  I need to make an effort to get my family into a church.

I think maybe that is what I have been missing, and maybe seeing what my old friend has makes me want it all the more.  Does that even make sense?

A Mish Mash Of My Day

Junior took today off to deal with some landlord issues...I am so ready to move!...so we went out and had breakfast at Hardee's. We haven't done this since he started morning shift at work, and it was nice to sit with him, without kids, and have an adult conversation. Not ADULT adult, but just a normal conversation where we talked about Christmas and moving, without little ears around. The one big drawback about our little duplex is that even when the kids are in another room, they can still hear every word we say.

We also went and looked at storage buildings...I wrote about that on my other blog...and when we got home Missy called. We decided to meet up for supper, and I gotta tell you, I had a really good time. This surprised me, because I was on the verge of a panic attack, because the restaurant was sooo busy. But once we were seated, I was okay. I don't know when I got so crazy, either. Those things never used to bother me. Missy's mom came too, and I really enjoy spending time with her, too. If you read Missy's blog, you know how great her sense of humor is. Well, she gets it from her mom, and the two of them together is hysterical. We are all going to go trick or treating together, and I am really looking forward to it!

Junior and I also went to therapy today. It was a good session, where we basically discussed how much improvement Junior has shown in the past year, and deciding what we still have to work on to get him where he needs to be. I think he is well on his way, and his therapist(s) agree. I am so proud of him.

I was proud of myself the other day when we went to Burger King with Brandi, and I was able to sit in a booth. I may have mentioned this before, I don't remember, but I never used to be able to fit in the booths at fast food places. It's nice that I can now.

I guess that's about it. Have a great night!

Less Stressed

If you happened to have visited last night or early this morning, you got to read a post I wrote that, looking at this morning, was too"woe is me" and whiny, so I took it down. I felt like sharing my current situation sounded like I was asking for money, and that was totally not my intention. I was just really down, and needed to get things off my chest, and because my sisters don't really understand money issues, and would think I was asking for money, I don't talk to them. It was nice, though, to vent a little.

That's what this blog is all about.

Oh, and thanks to Sabrina and Miss Donna for their kind words...I love you guys!