Tomorrow....

...is Ryan's 15th birthday.  I seriously can not believe it has been so many years since they place my sweet boy in my arms and I became a mother.  That's all I ever really wanted to be, and I am so glad that God no only blessed me with him, but with his sisters as well.  I remember when I found out I was pregnant with him...I so hoped that he would be a girl.  I never imagined I'd have a son.  Whenever I thought of having kids when I was younger, I just assumed I would have daughters.  I am so glad that God knew better than me and He gave me Ryan.

I can not describe my love for him...it's different than my love for my girls, if that makes any sense.  I love that he teases me...and that I now have to look up to look him in the eyes.  Seriously, he's a good five inches taller than me now.  When did THAT happen?  I love that he wants to do everything with his dad, and learn everything his dad knows.  They are seriously stuck together like glue, and I love that.  I know a lot of 15 year old boys who want nothing to do with their parents.  I love that he talks to me about everything, even the stuff I don't want to know about.  He knows I'm his friend, but he also respects me as his mother.  And I think that is important. 

I was in labor with him for 36 hours before they finally cut him out of me.  He was also 12 days late.  I guess if he had his way, he'd still be in there, because he sure as heck didn't want to come out.  I was so tired when they finally did the section (he was born at 8:21 pm) that I don't remember holding him until the next morning.  They say I did hold him, and that I asked for him to be taken away because I was afraid I would drop him.  I don't remember any of that.  I do remember, though, that next morning when they finally brought him to me, that he was the most beautiful baby in the world.  He weighed 8lbs 13oz at birth, and the nurses all called him monkey.  I never knew I could love someone as much as I loved that baby at that moment.  Sure, I love my husband, but I think a mother's love is more protective and primal, if that makes any sense.

Anyway, tomorrow, my baby is one year closer to being a man.  If the past 15 years are any indication, he's going to be a wonderful man.  Any girl will be lucky to have him.

That is, if they can get to him through me.  After all, I am his mother.

It's Been An Emotionally Rough Week

My father-in-law had a stroke a couple of weeks ago.  Apparently, he is having a hard time recovering from this one (he has had several in recent years).  I pray every night for him to get better, but in my heart, I really don't care if he does. 

I'm a horrible person, I know.  It's just that something happened last weekend, and I am having a hard time with it.  I have known for a while how Junior feels about his dad.  What I didn't know was how my son feels about him.  I mean, Junior and I have been in therapy for two years now dealing with his anger towards his dad, and it never occurred to me that the kids might have some anger towards him, too. 

This completely broke my heart.  For the first time, I broke down in therapy.  I can not stand to see so much hate and anger in my son.  He's 14, and shouldn't have to be this way.  Now, before I get the comments about how we've filled his head with negative thoughts, let me assure you.  That's not how it is.  Ryan is angry about how Junior is always on edge about his dad.  He's angry that his dad is hurting.  Know what I'm saying?  Our therapist recommended that Ryan come in for a session, or even start seeing a therapist of his own. 

How did this happen?  How did I not see that Ryan was so angry?  Why are these people still having an impact on my family two years after we broke ties?  My kids are so close to my mom, so they know how a grandparent is supposed to act.  It never occurred to me that they might be missing that with their other grandparents.  We assumed that our decision to walk away was the best thing for our family, but we never asked the kids how they felt about it.  Their answers wouldn't have changed our minds, but we might have gone about it differently.  Am I even making sense? 

There are other things going on, too, but I'm not going to torture you with all the details.  Let's just say that I have cried more in the last week than I have in the last year.  I have had my "woe is me" moments, and I have also realized something pretty important.

Are you ready?  I eat when I'm upset.  You're shocked, right?  I realized this when in therapy, after my meltdown, I looked at Junior and told him I needed ice cream.  In fact, I told him I needed a chocolate peanut butter milk shake from Sonic.  And you know what?  It made me feel better.

Analyze that! lol!

Slowdown...Who, Me?

I love being at home. I love days when I do not have to get out of my "comfy" clothes. It seems like the past couple of weeks, I have been "going" more than I have been "staying".

It started when my sister had the baby the day before Halloween, and it hasn't stopped yet. Friday was Ryan's birthday, so we went out to dinner. (for the kids birthdays, they get to pick the restaurant) We invited Missy and her gang to join us, and as usual, we had a blast! I didn't even realize we were in the restaurant for over 2 hours! Of course, it was Golden Corral, so between laughs and babies, we were all shoving our faces. It was sooo good, and of course I left with a tummy ache. In fact, i think we all did! lol! Juior's ex-mother-in-law also met us there, and I think she had a good time, too.

Then yesterday, it was up early to get ready for my niece's 3rd birthday party. They live about an hour away, and of course I wanted to go see Lylah first. The party was fun for Brandi...it was a princess party, and all the little girls dressed in princess dresses. They all looked adorable! We didn't stay long after...my mom has a hard time driving that far in the dark...and headed for a little more time with Collen, Carson, and Lylah. After a yummy dinner of Chinese food, we all hung out for a little while, and then I came home and took some cold/allergy medicine and crashed in bed by 9:30.

As soon as I got up this morning, we went fishing for a bit...no bits so we came back home and just chilled. I had a little ache in my back yesterday that turned into severe pain today every time I move, so I have been keeping the heating pad on it. My mom says to ice it, but it's hard to get the ice exactly where I need it.

The next three days are going to be a little busy, too. Tomorrow we have to pick Kasi up from school for a doctor's appointment. I love my doctors...we have been using them for about 10 years now. But, the latest appointment of the day is 4pm, and Kasi gets off the bus later than that every day, so we have to go pick her up early so she can make her 2:30 appointment. I am taking her for her rash, and am hoping we won't need to make a trip to the dermatologist.

Tuesday is the 10th...food shopping day! Then Brandi is in a Veterans Day program at her school. Don't worry...there will be TONS of pictures taken...maybe even a little video, if Ryan can find his video camera.

Wednesday is therapy. That means it will be at least Thursday before I can be lazy all day. Hopefully I can make some money from some posts this week between the craziness...Christmas is coming, and I have presents to buy! lol!