Monday, February 21, 2011

I Went To Therapy Today

This morning, I called our therapist, to tell her what happened.  She asked me to come in, and I did.  As I was signing in, I saw the last sign in slip, and it had Bob's name on it. 

Of course, I knew Elizabeth couldn't tell me anything, but when we got in the room, I told her I saw the slip and asked if he had been in.  She said he had, and that he gave her permission to tell me everything they had talked about, with the exception of where he is.  As much as it hurt to hear her tell me what he's thinking, I felt so much better knowing.  I think it was easier for him to talk to her than to me, so by giving her permission to tell me, he found a way to let me know what's going on.

I don't want to get into specifics, but I now know that there is no way to fix my marriage.  It's over.  Elizabeth cried with me, and said she cried with him as well.  I was so proud of him for going to see her and talking things out with her.  I was able to get a message to him, through her, that I am not angry with him, and that I don't want to fight.  I want to make things as right as they can be, with him seeing the kids as much as he can.  Fortunately, she was able to reach him, and when he called tonight to tell the kids goodnight, we talked as well for a while.  I needed him to know that I am not going to go all crazy and show up at his work and harass him.  I needed him to know that I only want what is best for him, even if that means being away from me.  It was a good conversation, and we actually made some progress towards how the next few months will go until the school year ends.  At that time, I will move in with my mom.  The kids will have to change school districts, and I know it will be hard, but we will survive.  I am going to get my license and a job, and stand on my own two feet for the first time in my life.

Scary?  Hell yeah.  I am terrified.  Will I be okay?  Hell yeah.  I see my future, and even though it's not the forever I thought I would have with my husband, it is going to be an awesome future none the less.

Or at least that is what I keep telling myself.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

My Heart Is Broken

I can't sleep.  I'm not sure if I'll ever sleep again.  I know my life is not over simply because my husband left me, but it sure feels like it right now.  I am so heart is broken.  Not just for myself either.  My heart breaks for my kids.

I will never be one of those women who bad mouth their ex's.  Bob is an amazing dad, and my kids adore him.  I don't want that to change.  I don't want anything to change, but apparently that isn't my decision to make.

He says he doesn't love me can you fix that? 

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I Lost 9 Pounds This Week

That's right...9 pounds in one week.  Awesome, right? 

It would be if I didn't do it by catching the flu.  I have been miserable since last Wednesday.  I find it hard to eat when I can not breathe through my nose, so I just haven't been eating. 

I am just hoping that once I get to eating right again, I can keep it off. 

On the plus side, my husband was diagnosed yesterday with diabetes.  Not that that in and of itself is a good thing...the new way of eating is going to be a great thing.  I am learning so much about portion size and better eating, and I am excited to make this a permanent way of life for all of us.

Any tips about diabetes I need to know?

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

A Tiring Session

I hate getting upset in therapy.  I hate getting upset, period.  I am always exhausted after a good crying session, and right now I can barely keep my eyes open.  The good thing is, Bob and I worked on some stuff that has been bothering me, and we are in a better place now, I think.

Bob is going to see our family doctor soon to be tested for diabetes.  Our therapist is concerned about it, so we agreed to have him tested.  She thinks that could be contributing to his sleeplessness and emotional state.  Part of me is hoping she is right, because if she is, we can control it. 

I am trying so hard to be supportive, because I know he is going through a hard time.  I hate that some days I just want him to be happy.  I just want him to not mope around.  I want him to laugh.  Or smile.  Or something other than the depression.  Some days, I don't want to have to watch every word that comes out of my mouth because I am afraid of upsetting him more. 

It's hard watching the one you love hurt, but it's also exhausting.  It's tough always being the strong one.