Thinking

Therapy was kinda hard today. Not for Junior, but for me.

We started talking about his mom.

I tried for MANY years to get Junior to talk to his mom. They were not speaking when I met him 14 years ago, and it took up until I was pregnant with Brandi for him to really have anything to do with her.

Most of you know that all changed last year right around the time his dad's wife kicked him out, and I had my surgery. I became the bad person because I wanted to protect my family. I did what any mother would do...I put my kids, and my husband, before anyone. That meant making hard choices. Some of those choices were perceived the wrong way. This lead to certain members of Junior's family pretending to be other people to get close to me on facebook and my blogs. The one on facebook I caught right away. The other took me a few months, and I can not believe I didn't catch it sooner. As soon as I mentioned on my blog about my suspicions, this "blogger" closed her blog. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Kelsey, our therapist (she's "our" therapist now! lol), wants me to think about coming in and doing a private session with her, because she saw how upset talking about things made me today. Junior refuses to talk about his mom, even in therapy. He doesn't think that relationship is worth repairing. That is his choice, not mine. I wish things could be different with some members of his family. It makes me sad that my kids lost all their cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents. I do, however, tell them all the time that just because we don't see or talk to them, that doesn't mean that they don't love them. I refuse to hurt my kids more, and I refuse to talk bad about Junior's family to them. Even though it has been almost a year since we've moved and his dad has not asked ONE TIME how the kids are, I won't let them believe that he doesn't love them. Even though Junior's mom is not actively in their lives, I let them know that she does love them. My kids know they are loved, by many, many people, and that is what is important.

Do I wish things could be different? Absolutely.

But I can not change who I am, nor do I want to.

And Junior's family has made it clear that they do not like who I am.

And for me, that will be hard to forgive.

Wait...what was the point of this? I got kind of side tracked there. Oh, yeah, that I need to see Kelsey privately, or that she wants to see me privately. I guess it's a good thing, because I do have a lot of anger towards his mom. Well, maybe not towards his mom, as about the situation with his mom. Does that make sense?

My head is spinning right now, and I need to clear it so I can sleep tonight. I'm just so thankful that my kids have my mom...the one person they know they can count on besides Junior and I.