I'm Coming Out Of My Shell

If you have been reading my blogs for any length of time, you know that I am an extremely shy, would rather stay in my house 24 hours a day and never deal with people type of person.  I always thought it was because of my weight, but I recently discovered that it had more to do with my boobs.  Sure, my weight and my boobs kind of go together...they were so big because I was so big. 

Let's go back for a moment.  Growing up, I was always the bigger sister.  I have a sister who is 14 months older than me, so I was always half a step behind her growing up.  She was thin and popular; I was not.  I could go on and on about things that were unfair (the biggest to me was that she got her own room, and I had to share with my two younger sisters who were 6 and 8 years younger than me...and I was 15 at the time) but I won't.  My point is that she got all the boyfriends, and she made sure that I didn't.  If I showed even the slightest interest in a guy, she would make sure he liked her, not me.  I think always being "second" fucked with my self esteem a little.  Okay, a lot. 

Anyway, I was wearing a "C" cup by the time I was in 8th grade, and the boys noticed.  They would make fun of me all the time.  I remember going through a phase where I didn't care how I looked...I didn't want any attention at all.  I wanted to blend in.  I wanted to not be noticed.  I got pretty good at being the wall flower.  Looking back, I think there might have been times when I was really depressed.  I remember one summer I did nothing but sit in my room and read.  Book after book. 

I didn't kiss a boy until I was 17, I think.  I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 18.  In fact, I can count on one hand the number of guys I have gone all the way with.  I was almost 19 my first time.  God, I loved that guy.  It took a while for me to believe that he loved me, because I spend so many years thinking I was not attractive enough, or pretty enough, to be loved by someone.  Can you say issues????

I think I am getting a little off track.  The point of this post is that last night, I didn't have my guard up. I was relaxed, and I had fun.  I participated in conversations, and let people in.  I ate (which I hate to do in front of people...I always think they are judging me) and laughed, and enjoyed spending time with my husband.  Now that I think about it, this is the first time we have gotten rid of the kids and done something for ourselves, just for fun.  We never have extra money, so we usually just hang out at home, which is fine with me.  But it was nice to get out and have fun.  I didn't let my weight hinder me.  I'm not sure if I would have felt the same way before my breast reduction.  I really do think that having that done was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

Ugggg...I ended up rambling.  Sorry.  Sometimes my fingers end up with a mind of their own.  Not sure if I made a point at all, but oh well.  At least you got a glimpse into my weird little head. 

Scary, right????