This morning, I called our therapist, to tell her what happened. She asked me to come in, and I did. As I was signing in, I saw the last sign in slip, and it had Bob's name on it.
Of course, I knew Elizabeth couldn't tell me anything, but when we got in the room, I told her I saw the slip and asked if he had been in. She said he had, and that he gave her permission to tell me everything they had talked about, with the exception of where he is. As much as it hurt to hear her tell me what he's thinking, I felt so much better knowing. I think it was easier for him to talk to her than to me, so by giving her permission to tell me, he found a way to let me know what's going on.
I don't want to get into specifics, but I now know that there is no way to fix my marriage. It's over. Elizabeth cried with me, and said she cried with him as well. I was so proud of him for going to see her and talking things out with her. I was able to get a message to him, through her, that I am not angry with him, and that I don't want to fight. I want to make things as right as they can be, with him seeing the kids as much as he can. Fortunately, she was able to reach him, and when he called tonight to tell the kids goodnight, we talked as well for a while. I needed him to know that I am not going to go all crazy and show up at his work and harass him. I needed him to know that I only want what is best for him, even if that means being away from me. It was a good conversation, and we actually made some progress towards how the next few months will go until the school year ends. At that time, I will move in with my mom. The kids will have to change school districts, and I know it will be hard, but we will survive. I am going to get my license and a job, and stand on my own two feet for the first time in my life.
Scary? Hell yeah. I am terrified. Will I be okay? Hell yeah. I see my future, and even though it's not the forever I thought I would have with my husband, it is going to be an awesome future none the less.
Or at least that is what I keep telling myself.