Um....

It's been almost a month since I have written anything over here. I was toying with shutting this blog down, but decided to just keep on keeping on.

Junior and I had therapy yesterday, and it had been a month since we had seen Kelsey (due to sickness). We fell back into it easy enough, and spent the hour talking about Junior's parents. We had run into his dad at the grocery store, so we discussed Junior reaction to that, and the fact that the kids didn't want to talk to him. I would never tell them they couldn't, but they decided on their own that they didn't want to. He has been not so nice to each of them at one time or another, and in the past year, they have gotten to the point where they don't have anything to say to him. The same holds true for Junior's mom. I never said they couldn't speak to her, but they have decided not to. I know I am giving them a lot of decisions to make at such young ages, and sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing. When I look at the love they get from my mom and dad, I wish they could have that from Junior's side of the family. But in the almost 14 years we have been together, Junior's family has never been close. That is one of the reasons we are in therapy. It's not for couples counseling, but for junior to work through the hurt he feels. It was funny, but at one point yesterday, Kelsey said that I am Junior's rock, always being strong when he falls apart. She asked him if he could look at me and tell me he appreciates me. I just busted out laughing, because we know what we mean to each other, and I'm not an overly affectionate person, and shit like that makes me uncomfortable. But, he did, and then we were all laughing. That's one of the things I love about our therapist...she gets our sense of humor, and we keep her laughing.

So...Monday is my wedding anniversary. 14 years. Some days it feels like a day, and some days it feels like it's been fifty years. I know I'll be saying the same thing in another fourteen years.

Thursday

It feels weird tonight. No Survivor. No ER. No Harper's Island. Nothing I wanted to watch on television, so I watched a movie. A really cute movie I'm going to write about on my other blog.

This afternoon Junior and I ventured to therapy. It's been two weeks since we've seen Kelsey, but we picked up right where we left off...me having issues with Junior's need for revenge, and him seeing nothing wrong with it. I haven't really talked about that much on here, but my husband seems to think that every person who has ever done him wrong needs to pay for that somehow. He has a long list of offenders, and I don't agree with that. I think he should be the better person and let things go. That's what we're working on. Finding middle ground.

I brought up Kasi's birthday party, because it really bothered me that he spent the entire party inside, avoiding people. I thought it was rude, regardless of his reasons. He could have at least came out for a few minutes, and talked to everyone. There was one point where it was just me, my sister Colleen, and Sam and Missy sitting outside talking, and he was inside watching television. This was after everyone else had left. We sat out there for probably an hour, just talking and hanging out. He didn't come out once. (Missy ~ I hope you guys didn't think he was totally rude) I know he has a hard time with how close my family is, because he has never had that. But I want him to be a part of this, and he has been in the past, but the past few months have been hard on him, and I don't know why. So we talked about that today, and I hope next time he will be more sociable.

I have been doing okay. The kids are winding down in school, only a week and a half left. I will be happy when I don't have to get up at 5:20 every morning. I don't even remember what it's like to sleep more than three straight hours.

On a side note, I am watching Seinfeld and the sound is off. It doesn't match their mouths, and that annoys me to no end.

I took Missy's advice today, and took a bunch of pictures of the stupid dog next door. I think we are going to go down to the management office tomorrow and get them to do something about it. I hate to have to move, but I refuse to live next door to a pit bull. Especially one that keeps pooping in my yard.

Alright, I need to get going. I have other posts to write, and it's getting late.

Night.

Shall I Ramble Again?

Got on the scale again this morning...down another 3 pounds. Must have been the workout my fat behind got on Saturday helping my brother. I'm not complaining...I like the numbers going down...I just need to keep them going in that direction.

Did a little shopping for Kasi's party today. I am getting excited to see everyone...missy, you're still coming, right?...I just hope it doesn't rain. It rained in October, and we learned then that my house is just too small for so many people...besides, I want the kids to be able to get wet. I have water balloon plans...sshhhhhh.....

I have so much to do cleaning this house, too, but I always wait until the last minute. Friday I want to get all the food ready, and Saturday I need to get the yard done. I need to send an email asking people to bring their own outdoor chairs...I don't have enough. We weren't able to borrow the sno cone machine, but saw one in wal-mart for $15 we might get...we have the syrup left over from October...that stuff doesn't go bad, right, if i keep it in the fridge? Maybe I'll just get some more....

Too many decisions to make!

Thinking

Therapy was kinda hard today. Not for Junior, but for me.

We started talking about his mom.

I tried for MANY years to get Junior to talk to his mom. They were not speaking when I met him 14 years ago, and it took up until I was pregnant with Brandi for him to really have anything to do with her.

Most of you know that all changed last year right around the time his dad's wife kicked him out, and I had my surgery. I became the bad person because I wanted to protect my family. I did what any mother would do...I put my kids, and my husband, before anyone. That meant making hard choices. Some of those choices were perceived the wrong way. This lead to certain members of Junior's family pretending to be other people to get close to me on facebook and my blogs. The one on facebook I caught right away. The other took me a few months, and I can not believe I didn't catch it sooner. As soon as I mentioned on my blog about my suspicions, this "blogger" closed her blog. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Kelsey, our therapist (she's "our" therapist now! lol), wants me to think about coming in and doing a private session with her, because she saw how upset talking about things made me today. Junior refuses to talk about his mom, even in therapy. He doesn't think that relationship is worth repairing. That is his choice, not mine. I wish things could be different with some members of his family. It makes me sad that my kids lost all their cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents. I do, however, tell them all the time that just because we don't see or talk to them, that doesn't mean that they don't love them. I refuse to hurt my kids more, and I refuse to talk bad about Junior's family to them. Even though it has been almost a year since we've moved and his dad has not asked ONE TIME how the kids are, I won't let them believe that he doesn't love them. Even though Junior's mom is not actively in their lives, I let them know that she does love them. My kids know they are loved, by many, many people, and that is what is important.

Do I wish things could be different? Absolutely.

But I can not change who I am, nor do I want to.

And Junior's family has made it clear that they do not like who I am.

And for me, that will be hard to forgive.

Wait...what was the point of this? I got kind of side tracked there. Oh, yeah, that I need to see Kelsey privately, or that she wants to see me privately. I guess it's a good thing, because I do have a lot of anger towards his mom. Well, maybe not towards his mom, as about the situation with his mom. Does that make sense?

My head is spinning right now, and I need to clear it so I can sleep tonight. I'm just so thankful that my kids have my mom...the one person they know they can count on besides Junior and I.

Randomness....

Tomorrow is therapy again. It's our first time going in the afternoon with brandi, so it should be interesting to see if she likes hanging out in the waiting room. It's been a pretty good week, so there shouldn't be much to discuss....

other than Junior's dad going into The Home Depot and telling Junior's boss that he should fire the useless asshole they have working in lumber.

Can you feel the love?

I can...it oozes out of every word that comes out of that man's mouth.

What kind of a father tries to get his son fired, knowing he is working to support his wife and three kids...HIS grandchildren? I just don't get it.

BUT...we have moved on, and Junior's boss knows what's going on, and when Junior asked why he didn't tell him...we heard it from the man who was with his dad at the time...he said it was because the only thing his dad accomplished was making himself look like an idiot.

Well, yeah.

But anyway, enough of that. I got on the scale this morning, and am down another couple of pounds. Yay me! I was shocked when Junior came home from work today and started talking about what we could do to lose weight. He started his new schedule, and has been home by 2:30 every day. He was saying how he wants to start going to the park and walking every day when he gets off...

HELLO!!!! I have been saying this for MONTHS!!!! But, as long as we start doing it, that's all that is important. I am really excited about it, actually. It will be nice to be doing SOMETHING, ya know?

Um....haven't heard anything about the applications I filled out. I know it's only been a couple of days, but I was hoping. Actually, what I am really hoping is that my friend Nicole gets a job so I can keep her daughter again, that way I don't have to work. I have been doing pretty well with the paid posting, and would love to be able to stay home and do this, plus keep a kid. That would be perfect. But, life is not perfect, so we'll make due. I could always go back to fast food...even though I DO NOT WANT TO! I am getting too old for that. Maybe I'll apply at the dollar store...that would be wonderful! I just can't work for minimum wage. It's so frustrating.

Mother's Day is Sunday. I won't get to see my mom, she will be spending the day with my brother's family. My kids, however, have lots of things planned for me. I hope the first thing on their list is letting me sleep in. I need about eight hours of straight sleep. The past few weeks I have gotten just broken sleep, and my body feels it. I feel like I have a newborn again. I need sleep....

...which is where I should be heading right now, but I won't. I'll stay up and drop my ecards at midnight, head to bed around 1, get up at 3 to get Junior up, then back up at 5:15 to get the kids to school....

Applications

I just finished my first online application for our local grocery store. Brandi is not happy with me, and said if I get a job, she is coming with me to work. I haven't worked since she was an infant, and I know this is going to be hard on her. It's going to be hard on me, too. I get upset just thinking about it. I don't know how we got to where we are right now, and hopefully we can figure something out in the next month so that I won't have to work. We decided that I would wait until June, when school is out, that way Junior doesn't have to deal with homework and supper. Junior says he is going to try and find some metal to haul off, maybe some odd jobs...we just need to come up with about $800, and we'll be okay. Heck, even $500 would help, and might be dooable with side jobs.

Just keep your fingers crossed that we can figure out a way to fix this before I have to go to work. Last time I had a job, at McDonald's, I had a slight breakdown and walked out...I am afraid of that happening again. I cried for days then, I don't know why...I was just so depressed...for no reason that I ever figured out...and now I am worse with my anxiety around new and strange people...this is not going to be fun.

Painful

Today was painful. My sunburn is developing these nice little water blisters...so gross. I swear, I don't know how this happened. I was in the shade almost the entire day. I have learned my lesson though, I can tell you that much. We went to walmart and got some burn pain relief spray, and that helps some. I just thank God that Brandi asked my sister to put sunscreen on her, or she would be burned, too. Ryan and Kasi's shoulders are a little red, but nothing like me.

I am finally feeling human again with the girlie stuff. Yay!

Have I told you guys about Junior's new position at work? I can't remember. If so, just skip this part...I'll forgive you! lol! If I haven't, I guess I should. Junior got a promotion of sorts at work. It's not more money, but a better job and better hours. Instead of being a sales associate, he is now an inventory specialist. This means no more lifting lumber everyday, so his back should feel better. He doesn't have to deal with customers unless they ask him specifically for help, which is good, cause he hated that part of his job. And the best part is that he will work from 5am until 2 pm, Monday through Friday. That means no more weekends! I am so happy about this, especially with summer coming up, and the kids will be home, so we can do a lot together, like fishing and stuff. We are hoping to get our bills caught up...we seem to be getting further and further behind...so that we can plan our vacation soon. I want to go camping for a week or so, but we'll have to see. It may only end up being a day or two. Either way, we will be going camping, just not sure when or for how long.

Oh, and all the "think pink" didn't work so well. My sister is having another boy....that makes four! It's okay, though, because he looks good, has all his parts, and being healthy is really all that is important. I just feel bad for her...she was kind of upset. For me, it means starting a new blanket, cause the one I was making won't do for this baby. I'll just have to hope my other sister has a girl...although she doesn't want to find out beforehand.

I guess that's about it for today. I have some opps to write, so I better get to it. I like to have posts ready to go for those days I just don't feel like writing on the other blogs....keeping them all up and current is hard work! lol!