My First Blog Award

The Rules:
•Thank the blogger who awarded it to you.
•Sum up your blogging philosophy, motivation, and experience using five (5) words.
•Pass it on to 10 other blogs which you feel have real substance.

My newest friend Jeannette has passed this award on to me, and I am pretty excited about it! This is the first award for this little blog of mine!

I am supposed to sum up this blog in five words...let's see...finding my way to healthy...how's that?  Sound good?

I am also supposed to pass this along to 10 other blogs, but I'm not going to.  Why not?  Well, because all of you who read this blog and share my journey are special, so I want you all to have it! :)

Motivation Monday ~ Week 1

Motivation Monday is hosted by Jeannette, over at A Hippo With A Headband.

I have been thinking about a bunch of things lately, and making them into one coherent post seemed impossible.  Today I will try and get them all down in a bullet type post, so bear with me.  (is it bear, or bare?)

• my weight is at a stand still, and it is pissing me off.  I really believed that once I started swimming every day, the weight would come off.  I mean, when I am in the pool, I am constantly swimming laps.  I jump in, play with the kids...all of this is great exercise!  And since I wasn't exercising at all before I started swimming, I was really hoping to see some results.

• on that same note, I am feeling a whole lot better.  I am sleeping better.  I haven't been hit with insomnia since mom opened the pool, which is just plain awesome.

• I really need to stop drinking soda.  I live on diet lemon lime soda.  I drink at least a 2 liter bottle a day, sometimes more.  I need to start drinking water.  I know this, but it is so hard to do.  When I quit smoking, I used soda as a substitute for nicotine.  I think it is time to break this habit, too.

• it's Summer, so it's only natural that I start stressing about money.  We are not going to be able to camp this year, which really sucks, but at least we are not stuck in the house every day.  My power bill is ridiculously high, but if we want to stay semi-cool, we need to run the A/C.  Last Summer was when I started losing this weight, and back then, it was definitely stress related.  Maybe worrying about money will help me over this hump...I know, not healthy, but hey, I'll take what I can get.

• google...an update is coming, and I am worried.  If I lose rank, I lose money.  And to be honest, the money hasn't been that good lately, even with my current rankings.  I am praying that at least one of my blogs will increase, so that the money coming in will increase.  I mean, before I know it, school will be starting again, and we all know how expensive all those supplies are, especially for three kids.

I guess since this is Motivation Monday, I need to set some goals for myself for this week.  Let's see...

• I am going to try and lose 3 pounds...I had my period last week, so my weight was up a little...I want to get back to my 50 pound loss by next Monday.

• I am going to drink more water.  I have a couple of bottles of soda in the house, and once they are gone, I am not going to buy anymore.

• I am going to do the wii every day.  I still don't have the wii fit, but even playing the sports games for a little while is good exercise for this girl who does nothing but sit at the computer getting work done.  I will find time to play this week :)

Okay, three goals in seven days...let's see if I can do it!

I Feel A Long Winded, Rambling Post Coming On...

Just give me a day or two to get my thoughts straight.  I feel like I have a million things to say, but nothing is making sense in my head right now.  Sleep may help...

Family Therapy

Yesterday the kids joined Junior and I for a therapy session.  We played a game called "The Ungame", and it was pretty fun.  Basically, landing on different spaces has us doing different things, like answering questions from cards or making up our own questions to ask each other.  The kids were nice, mostly, when they answered about me, and sarcastic when answering questions about Junior.  I think I came off as the one who tries to keep the kids in line, while Junior just egged them on.  I am very interested to see what our therapists are going to say about us when we have a regular session in two weeks.

My last post was about what my Grandmother said to me, and I have been thinking about that quite a bit.  Not what she said so much, but how I reacted to it.  (oh, and I know I put giggle instead of jiggle...I just realized that re-reading the post...I need to fix that!)  In the past, a comment like that would have crushed me.  I would have probably cried about it, and then spent the rest of the day (or week) miserable, because I probably wouldn't have put on a bathing suit in front of her.

This new me, though?  I let it slide right off my back.  I got up from the table, put on my suit, and jumped into the pool.  I know, now, how much I have changed in the past year.  I don't think I really realized it before then.  I have a little bit of confidence now, and it feels great! 

This Is Going To Be Quick...

My Grandmother came in this morning, and will be staying until next weekend.  Now, I haven't seen her since before my surgery, and she says to me this afternoon:

"Jenn, I had no idea you were so big (as she giggles her arms, implying that my fat arms giggle).  I used to tell people you were thin with big boobs, but I can see I was wrong."

Thanks Grandmother.  Thanks alot.

Like I Need Something Else To Worry About

***Okay, so I just finished writing this post, and it ended up being long, and kind of whiny at times.  Consider yourself warned.

So, did you all read about Junior's hand?  If not, you can read about it here.  I am still trying to wrap my head around it all.

I am optimistic, though.  I keep praying that the infection will respond to these new antibiotics.  I remember when I first started going to the doctor about my boob, they said the same thing to me.  They gave me a whopping dose of antibiotics, and then wanted to see me 12 hours later to see if there was any improvement.

There was.

I am hoping the same thing happens with Junior.  Actually, I am praying the same thing happens.  We, as a family, depend on him.  We have no savings (living paycheck to paycheck sucks!) and if he is out of work, I have no idea what we will do.  Thankfully, he has three weeks of vacation he can take, but that will wipe out any chance of us vacationing at all this year.

He is not taking this whole thing well.  I can not help with changing the dressing.  I almost passed out just looking at it before.  He had to shove the new gauze in the hole himself.  It hurt.  I have never seen him in so much pain.  And he has to do this twice a day.  Thank God they finally gave him some good pain medicine that is working to dull the pain.  He is half stoned right now, but that's okay.  I like seeing him like this more than I like seeing him in pain.

I am trying to stay up until 2am, when he needs to take his next dose of antibiotics.  This new one is 300mg four times a day, on top of the other one he started on Wednesday.  Too bad this new one wasn't a $4 walmart medicine like the other one was.  The gauze we had to get was almost a dollar a sheet.  The doctor prescribed 20 sheets, which would have been almost $18.  Thankfully the pharmacist recommended getting half to start with, and if we need more we can get the rest.  I don't think we will need anymore, because Junior only put about a one inch square piece in the hole, and we have 9 sheets of 1X8 that we are cutting up.  We should have only bought four sheets, or even three to start with, but oh well.  This shit might be good for other cuts, too, if someone in the family gets hurt.

You know what?  I think I am rambling.  I am sure no one really cares about what size gauze we bought, but I feel better just rambling on.  It helps me deal.  I was so stressed before, I went into Ryan's room and played my favorite video game for a couple of hours.  That helped me relax.  I am such a video game junkie, especially when I find a game I like.

Tomorrow my grandmother is coming up from Florida.  I am looking forward to seeing her.  It's been a while, and the kids are excited, too.  But, with Brandi running a temperature, we'll have to see if we'll be going over there (to mom's) tomorrow.  I think, and don't yell at me, that she got too much sun yesterday (we were in the pool all day).  She didn't burn (she had on tons of sunscreen) but I think she might have just overheated herself.  So, from now on, I will limit her, and my, time in the pool.  It's just so nice being in the water.

My sunburn is looking great!  I peeled, then peeled again, and now I am getting tan.  Trust me, though.  I am wearing a lot of sunscreen, too.

My weight?  Frustrating.  I was sure that once I started swimming, the weight would come off.  But it's not.  My sister recently posted some pictures from our Tennessee trip, and I was in a few of them.  I hate having my picture taken.  I HATE it.  I hate my mouth and my smile.  (I am not fishing for compliments about how beautiful I am...I know I'm beautiful...but that doesn't mean that I can't hate something about myself)  Anyway...I look fat in the pictures.  Not as fat as I was last year, but still fat.  I have so much more weight to lose, and I want to be on the right track, but it is so hard!  I love to eat as much as I hate having my picture taken.  I have been trying to eat better, and I have been.  But I still slip, especially when chocolate and peanut butter are involved.

God, this is turning into a whiny post now, isn't it?  I think I might need to go to bed.  I can always set the alarm to get up and give Junior his medicine. 

If you made it to the end of this post, well, that must mean you love me. :)

Life

I have been so busy.  Which is so unlike me.  You all know I would rather sit home than go out.  Unless it's for Chinese food.  Then all bets are off.

Seriously, though.  I could quite easily become a hermit, as long as I had my family and computer.  I like being home, following my routine, and that has not happened much since school let out.  Actually, I think it started with my Tennessee trip.  Since then, it seems like we have something to do, or somewhere to go, every day.

And it's beginning to bug me.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I love going to my mom's house to swim and hang out with her.  The kids are having a ball in the pool.  So am I.  They have all learned to swim in the deep end, even Brandi.  But being away from home so much has gotten us out of our routine.  Brandi has been staying up until after midnight every night.  Last night she was up until almost 3.  Going to bed late means sleeping late in the morning, which means I don't have enough time to get the housework done, much less my computer work.  Doing paid posts is a lot more work than just doing the posts.  I have to network my blog, comment like crazy (which I suck at, as most of you know) and keep up connections I've made.  Some days it is exhausting.

But, I love doing it.  It allows me to stay home with the kids.  So all these hours spent in the pool means I am not blogging.  Which is a good thing.  I am out in the world, spending time with the kids and my mom, ad having a wonderful time. 

Wait, where was I going with this?  Right.  I haven't been home much lately.

Next week, my grandmother will be visiting from Florida.  She's coming in on Saturday, and will be here until next weekend.  Then we have Eclipse coming out and 4th of July weekend.  Oh, and my anniversary is Tuesday, June 22nd (15 years!  Holy crap!) and then we have a friend's birthday dinner two days later. 

Maybe by the second week of July things will go back to normal.

Or maybe not.

Oh, and just in case you are wondering, my weight loss has stalled, which is pissing me off, because I have been swimming so much!

I Don't Usually Post Pictures On Here, But...

here's a shot of the kids and I in mom's pool.  We are all watching Ryan jump in...or should I say "belly flop" in.  My nephew Carson loves when he does that.

I don't want this blog to be about my kids...this is my space.  I just wanted to show you that I am enjoying myself this summer.  Tomorrow we are having a cookout at mom's again, with my sisters mother-in-law.  Today, my mom made it a point to tell me she would be there,  Um, okay.  I asked if she wanted me to not wear my bathing suit in front of her, and she said that's not what she meant.  She just wanted to make sure that I knew that she was going to be there.  I don't think she understands that I have had a sort of epiphany lately...I am fat.  I know this.  I am trying to lose weight, but it's hard.  In the meantime, I refuse to let another summer go by without enjoying myself.  People can tell I am fat whether I have on my bathing suit of shorts and a tshirt.  I decided that this year, I am going to wear a bathing suit, and I don't care what anyone else thinks.  I have spent the past 38 years of my life watching from the sidelines, worried about what people think of me.  For some reason, this year, I say fuck it.  Let people laugh at me.  Let people judge me.  I don't care.

And I have really, never been happier.

A Twist

It's been almost two years since Junior started therapy.  Most of you who read this know the back story, so I am not going to repeat it all.  The reasons he started and the reasons he's still going have changed, and it's become more about us as a family, and not so much about the stuff that started this.  Am I being cryptic?  I don't mean to be.  Let me try this again.

The focus of therapy has changed from dealing with the hurt and anger to coping with it.  Does that make sense?  In our sessions, we talk more about what we do as a family ( meaning me, Junior, and the kids) and less about how other family members (his dad, mother, and brother) influence our lives, because it has been so long since we have seen any of them, they no longer effect (or affect, I never know which to use) Junior's day to day life.  Sure, he is still dealing with his past, and all that other stuff, but we also talk about how he acts towards our kids and me. 

So yesterday, Elizabeth, who is our therapist, and Myra, the therapist who has sat in for the last two sessions, came into the waiting room to call us back.  They noticed that we had all the kids with us (we were going straight to my mom's house from there) and got very excited.  They wanted the kids to join us for a session.  I think that kind of freaked Junior out a bit, but we agreed.  Unfortunately, the family room was unavailable, and the room we were in was too small for all of us.  But, for next session, Elizabeth booked the family room, and we are all going to play some kind of game. 

It should be interesting.  I already told the kids, and I made sure they know that they can answer any question however they want, being completely honest.  I am terrified thinking about what will come out of their mouths, but it should be fun.

Gulp.

A Big Step For Me

I wore a bathing suit today in front of my mom.  I wasn't even self-conscience, though I probably should have been.  But whatever.  I had fun swimming with the kids in the pool, and that's the important thing.  I didn't sit in the shade and watch the fun...I was a part of it!

You guys have no idea how big a step this was for me. 

Now next weekend, my sister will be there, and we'll see how comfortable I am in front of her.  And then the following weekend, my aunt and Grandmother will be here.  Hopefully by then I won't care who sees me! lol!

Oh, and I should probably mention that I am a freakin' lobster right now.  When will I learn???

'Bout There

Okay, so I have been stressing getting on the scale, what with the weight gain from the past few weeks.  But this morning I sucked it up and weighed myself.

I have two more pounds to lose, and then I am back to the 49 pound loss.  This also means I am three pounds away from a 50 pound loss. 

Three pounds.

Ug.  Seems like so much sometimes...

Hey Ya'll!

That sounded pretty southern, didn't it? LOL!

Anyway, I have been so busy it's not even funny.  My trip to Tennessee was awesome, but since I've been back, the scale has not been my friend.  not only did I not make it to 50, I gained a couple of pounds back.

Ug.

This is such a hard thing to do, but I am not giving up.  I was surprised that i gained weight over my weekend away, because we did a LOT of walking, and not really much eating.  But, what i did eat was very carb heavy, and I think that was my problem.  By the time we were headed home, I was craving something, anything, that wasn't a carb, which is weird for me, because i could live on bread alone.

The following weekend, which was last weekend, we had two parties for Kasi, and at both I ate way too much crap.  Then today we had a cookout at mom's, and I ate way too much.  Again.

The good thing now is that the kids are out of school, and I am getting us all back on track.  I plan on swimming a lot, which I love, and it is also great exercise.  I have to make our food budget stretch, because the kids are no longer eating two meals a day at school.  This means no extra junk in the house. 

This is a good thing.

On a totally unrelated note, I have once again managed to get into some poison oak, and it's driving me crazy!  It's on the inside of both ankles, and a little bit up each calf.  You would think by now I would be more careful, but I still don't know exactly what it looks like.  But like every year (for the past four or five anyway) I will suffer through it.

Hopefully this time it won't spread.