I Usually Rock The Obligatory End Of The Year Post...

...but this year, it's just not in me.  To be honest, not much noteworthy has happened this year.  (I say that now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring)  The kids are one year older.  Junior is another year older.  I am still the same age. :)

I am happy to announce that a week after Christmas, I can say that I have kept my weight off all year.  I am carrying a few pounds from the holidays, but nothing I am going to stress over.  I have been doing the wii fit, which I love, and I plan on continuing with that.  I don't want to say I am making a resolution, but this year, I would like to lose another 50 pounds.  That would bring my total to 100 pounds lost.  I am not going to stress over it, but I am going to try and eat healthier.  And play the wii.

I think those of you who actually read this blog know that my husband's father is dying.  From what we have heard, he only has days left.  Junior is upset, of course.  As much as he distanced himself from the man over the last few years, he is still his father.  I am glad that we are still in therapy, and that Junior has someone to talk to about this.  I would have loved for him to have made amends with the man, but that was not to be.  I hope that this new year will bring peace to my husband.  He deserves it.

Life will go on...I can't believe I will be, ahem, 39 in February.  I know, it's hard to believe.  And that means that the year after that, I am going to be...um...I can't even type it!  I am not that old!

So, I am going to thank God for my little family.  For my parents and siblings, and their families.  For the fact that my family is close, and that we can always count on each other. 

As I say goodbye to 2010, I am looking forward to 2011.  I hope it is a year full of happiness and love, in my home as well as yours.

Today, My Daughter Told Me I Neglet Her....Yeah, Right!

Tonight, Brandi told me that I am neglecting her.  I find this quite amusing, actually.  You see, every night for the past few weeks, the kids and I have played a game of Clue.  I have been baking cookies with them, watching movies with them, and pretty much just hanging out with them.

Have I been busy?  Yes, I have.  Between dropping ecards, writing paid posts, networking and writing reviews, I have been swamped.  I have been staying up late, then sleeping in after the kids get back on the bus.  The only problem with this is that I have to "work" when the kids do homework, and in the evenings, and Brandi doesn't like it.  So, for the next two weeks while the kids are out of school, I am going to have to try and find a way to balance the time I work and the time I spend with the kids.

Junior is off for vacation the week between Christmas and new years, so not only will I have the kids home, he will be home too.  I am hoping we can spend some family time together...he kids want to head up to the mountains one day, and I'm really hoping we will have the money to do that.

So, if you don't hear from me (on this blog) until the new year, I hope you all have a safe and happy holiday season.

Merry Christmas!

I'm Coming Out Of My Shell

If you have been reading my blogs for any length of time, you know that I am an extremely shy, would rather stay in my house 24 hours a day and never deal with people type of person.  I always thought it was because of my weight, but I recently discovered that it had more to do with my boobs.  Sure, my weight and my boobs kind of go together...they were so big because I was so big. 

Let's go back for a moment.  Growing up, I was always the bigger sister.  I have a sister who is 14 months older than me, so I was always half a step behind her growing up.  She was thin and popular; I was not.  I could go on and on about things that were unfair (the biggest to me was that she got her own room, and I had to share with my two younger sisters who were 6 and 8 years younger than me...and I was 15 at the time) but I won't.  My point is that she got all the boyfriends, and she made sure that I didn't.  If I showed even the slightest interest in a guy, she would make sure he liked her, not me.  I think always being "second" fucked with my self esteem a little.  Okay, a lot. 

Anyway, I was wearing a "C" cup by the time I was in 8th grade, and the boys noticed.  They would make fun of me all the time.  I remember going through a phase where I didn't care how I looked...I didn't want any attention at all.  I wanted to blend in.  I wanted to not be noticed.  I got pretty good at being the wall flower.  Looking back, I think there might have been times when I was really depressed.  I remember one summer I did nothing but sit in my room and read.  Book after book. 

I didn't kiss a boy until I was 17, I think.  I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 18.  In fact, I can count on one hand the number of guys I have gone all the way with.  I was almost 19 my first time.  God, I loved that guy.  It took a while for me to believe that he loved me, because I spend so many years thinking I was not attractive enough, or pretty enough, to be loved by someone.  Can you say issues????

I think I am getting a little off track.  The point of this post is that last night, I didn't have my guard up. I was relaxed, and I had fun.  I participated in conversations, and let people in.  I ate (which I hate to do in front of people...I always think they are judging me) and laughed, and enjoyed spending time with my husband.  Now that I think about it, this is the first time we have gotten rid of the kids and done something for ourselves, just for fun.  We never have extra money, so we usually just hang out at home, which is fine with me.  But it was nice to get out and have fun.  I didn't let my weight hinder me.  I'm not sure if I would have felt the same way before my breast reduction.  I really do think that having that done was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

Ugggg...I ended up rambling.  Sorry.  Sometimes my fingers end up with a mind of their own.  Not sure if I made a point at all, but oh well.  At least you got a glimpse into my weird little head. 

Scary, right????

Peace. It's A Wonderful Feeling

For the first time in I can not tell you how long, my husband has been able to let his guard down at work.  We recently found out that his dad is now living in a nursing home about an hour away, so there is no possibility of him popping up in the store anymore making Junior's life miserable. 

My mom has halted all construction in her kitchen (which is almost done anyway) until after Christmas, so we have our weekends back.  Of course, we have two Saturday's of baking scheduled, and this weekend is Brandi's birthday, so we still have things going on.  BUT, they are things that don't involve too much manual labor for my husband, so that makes him happy.

I guess that's about it.  Things are quiet around here.  We like it that way.

Karma. She's A Bitch, Ya Know

I am a firm believer in the "do unto others" rule.  I spent my early marriage days drilling that into my husband's head, who was brought up believing "do whatever gets you what you want". 

I find comfort in knowing that both Bob (that's what we call Junior these days...long story) and I have lived most of our married life this way.  We treat the people we love with respect.  We do things for them, without expecting anything in return.  That was how I was raised.  This is how we are raising our kids.  Good deeds don't come with a price tag, or expectations of anything in return.

So, as you live your life, remember that if you treat the people around you like crap, in the end, you end up all alone, with only your dirty diapers keeping you company. 

And that just might be exactly what you deserve.

Sometimes

Sometimes, the things you think you buried have a way of rising up again. 

Sometimes, the things you thought you protected yourself from can come up and bite you on the ass while you're not even looking.

Sometimes, an innocent question from a friend can change your world in an instant.

Sometimes, even I don't know how to offer the comfort needed.

Sometimes, choosing to be alone is not the right answer.

Sometimes, it's better to let it all go, and move on.

Sometimes, I wish I could magically take away all the pain, and give my husband the childhood he deserved, instead of the one he had to live through.

And then there are days, like today, where I am proud to be married to such a strong, wonderful man, who can overcome all the hate and abuse, and be the better person.

Tomorrow....

...is Ryan's 15th birthday.  I seriously can not believe it has been so many years since they place my sweet boy in my arms and I became a mother.  That's all I ever really wanted to be, and I am so glad that God no only blessed me with him, but with his sisters as well.  I remember when I found out I was pregnant with him...I so hoped that he would be a girl.  I never imagined I'd have a son.  Whenever I thought of having kids when I was younger, I just assumed I would have daughters.  I am so glad that God knew better than me and He gave me Ryan.

I can not describe my love for him...it's different than my love for my girls, if that makes any sense.  I love that he teases me...and that I now have to look up to look him in the eyes.  Seriously, he's a good five inches taller than me now.  When did THAT happen?  I love that he wants to do everything with his dad, and learn everything his dad knows.  They are seriously stuck together like glue, and I love that.  I know a lot of 15 year old boys who want nothing to do with their parents.  I love that he talks to me about everything, even the stuff I don't want to know about.  He knows I'm his friend, but he also respects me as his mother.  And I think that is important. 

I was in labor with him for 36 hours before they finally cut him out of me.  He was also 12 days late.  I guess if he had his way, he'd still be in there, because he sure as heck didn't want to come out.  I was so tired when they finally did the section (he was born at 8:21 pm) that I don't remember holding him until the next morning.  They say I did hold him, and that I asked for him to be taken away because I was afraid I would drop him.  I don't remember any of that.  I do remember, though, that next morning when they finally brought him to me, that he was the most beautiful baby in the world.  He weighed 8lbs 13oz at birth, and the nurses all called him monkey.  I never knew I could love someone as much as I loved that baby at that moment.  Sure, I love my husband, but I think a mother's love is more protective and primal, if that makes any sense.

Anyway, tomorrow, my baby is one year closer to being a man.  If the past 15 years are any indication, he's going to be a wonderful man.  Any girl will be lucky to have him.

That is, if they can get to him through me.  After all, I am his mother.

So, I

So, I just walked into the kitchen to refill my drink, and I heard something in the drawer under my stove.  I knew it was a mouse.  There wasn't a doubt in my mind.

So, I woke up Junior, and he walks over and opens the drawer.  Sure enough, there was a mouse, and that sucker ran!  I am not sure where it is now, but I am in no way going to bed any time soon.  I'm too creeped out.  I am not necessarily afraid of mice...I just don't want them in my house, crawling on me while I'm sleeping.

So, yeah, I screamed like the little girl I am when that sucker showed it's face.  This is why I love cats.  This is the first place we have lived where we can't have cats, so we have mice.  I am also rethinking the no kill traps.  I think that little guy needs to die.

So, I am sitting here eating Halloween candy.  I know I shouldn't be, but the kids went out Saturday night and Sunday night, and there is a crap load of candy in my house right now.  And I have no willpower.

So I eat.

I went online yesterday trying to find a exercise video game for the wii.  Every single game I found needs the balance board, which I do not have.  I don't have the money to buy it right now, either.  And my sister tagged me in a photo on FB from my niece's birthday party, and I look fat.  Really fat.  And I hate it.  My face is so fat.  At least when I take a picture of myself, I know how to tilt my head to make my chin look like there is only one.  In candid shots, I always have a very fat face.  Check it out:

That's my brother and another of my nieces in the picture.  I look like a whale, and I hate it.  Yet, here I sit eating laffy taffy...only the banana.  Like that makes a difference.

So, I think I'm going to go play some games on FB...I really need to relax a little if I plan on sleeping tonight.

Therapy

Today, our therapist learned that Junior and I are not perfect, and that we fight just like everyone else.  probably not as often as most couples, but when I get pissed off, well, I get PISSED OFF.  I don't want to go into details, because, well, it's really not that big of a deal.  Let's just say that Junior did something that really hurt my feelings, and I was not talking to him.  So we go into therapy today, and Elizabeth (our therapist) asks me how I feel about something, and I told her that I was mad at Junior and not speaking to him, so I was not the best person to ask questions to.  This, of course, led to questions about why I was mad at him, and it ended with me in tears, throwing tissues at my husband.  Of course, things are fine now, and talking helped Junior to see why I was so upset with him.  That's one of the best things about therapy...we talk, we resolve things, and we move on.  I think that is one of the biggest things I love about my marriage...we don't hold grudges, and we never get nasty with each other.  There is never name calling, or things said that we later wish we could take back.

Other than that, therapy was fine.  I gave Elizabeth the plant and she loved it.  Actually, Brandi gave it to her.  And speaking of Brandi, my kid is so smart.  I mean, seriously smart.  I had a conference with her teacher yesterday, and she went over some test scores with me that blew me away.  They do MAP testing, and for 3rd graders, they should score a 192 in math and reading, and a 193 in language.  Brandi scored a 213 in reading and language, and a 215 in math.  Her teacher said these are 5/6th grade scores.  I was blown away.  I always knew she was smarter than kids her age, but I didn't think she was that far advanced.  I worry now that she will get bored in school.  Hopefully, the advanced classes she is in will keep her challenged.

Okay, so this blog is not supposed to be about the kids.  It's supposed to be about me.  But, I guess a big part of who I am is a mom.  And I love it.

A Picture Of Me. Kind Of.

Last night we had Ryan's annual Halloween/Birthday party.  We had about 23 kids (that's counting two babies) and 11 adults, so it was a pretty full house.

And I had a ball!

For the first time in a long time, I actually dressed up.  I sprayed my hair black (I hated the texture, but loved the color!), put on some sparkly makeup (I NEVER wear makeup) and donned my little purple witch hat.  Check out the picture...I looked pretty hot! lol! I was told by several people that my hair looked really good that color.  I don't think I would have the nerve to permanently dye it black, though.

There was lots of good food and great company.  The kids played games, hit a pinata, bobbed for apples, and kind of just hung out.  There were six little kids (between five and eight) who just ran around outside in the dark thinking they were hot shit.  It was great.  One of them (my friends grandson) came up to me and told me it was the best party he had ever been to.

Yeah, that was awesome.

I was a little taken aback by a couple of people, though.  One parent called for directions and to make sure the party was going to have adult supervision, and when I said yes, she asked if her daughter could come too.  What could I say?  I said yes, and then she told me the daughter was 7.  Um, it's a party for a 15 year old boy, and you want your young daughter to come?  Is it just me or does that sound a little ballsy to you?  I honestly didn't know what to say, so I said sure, send her along.  Turns out, Brandi knew the girl from school, so it worked out, but really.  I would never ask such a thing.

Then, the girl who lives behind us came over early, and asked if two of her friends could come, too.  Kids I didn't know.  Kasi said she met them and they were nice, so I told her to ask Ryan since it was his party.  Again, is it just me, or was that ballsy?  Turns out that those three girls got ticked when they didn't win the costume contest prizes, so they kind of yelled at Junior and went home.  I told Kasi never to invite them to anything else, ever again. 

But all in all, it was a great night. 

I Love This Time Of Year

It's almost Holiday time, and I love it.  I wish our weather would reflect Fall...we have been in the 80's for the past week or so.  I want the cool days, and the changing leaves....

For me, the Holiday season always starts with Ryan's birthday party.  We do it a couple of weeks early sot hat we can make it a Halloween party.  Then his actual birthday comes, then three weeks later is Thanksgiving.  A week and a half after that is Brandi's birthday, and then three weeks later we have Christmas and New Years. 

I love the time I spend with my family this time of year.  I love that all our celebrations focus around the food.  For a fat girl, this is not a good thing, but I have given myself permission to enjoy myself.  If I gain a little weight back, it will be okay.  I have learned in the last year and a half that I will fluctuate.  I know now that I can maintain a weight...I just have to get to a healthy weight to maintain.  I am extremely proud that I have kept off the 50ish pounds I lost over a year ago.

I am pretty excited about Ryan's party Friday night.  I am going to dress up a little bit, which is something I don't usually do.  Brandi and I both got the same little purple witches hat, but she is wanting to go with green face makeup, and I am going to do a little purple sparkling.  It's going to be so much fun!  I have lots of food to prepare, and even more cleaning to do.  But it will all be worth it!

We went to therapy last week, and talked through some things.  Our therapist just got her first real office, and I want to bring a little plant as an "office warming" gift next session, but I was a little worried that that might be a tad inappropriate.  I asked my mom, and she said it's not; that it would be a nice gesture.  Our therapist did her whole office black and red, so I have to find a plant that will match that.  Any suggestions?  My mom has a pot she painted that she thinks would be perfect...I just need to buy the plant.

Um...let's see...what else has been going on????  My mom's kitchen is coming along.  It is taking a lot longer to finish than we thought it would, but Junior is doing all of the work himself (with Ryan's help).  He's doing a great job...it just takes a while.  It would take less time if the stuff my mom's buys wasn't defective...Junior went to install the sink, and it was warped.  He got a new sink, went to install the faucet, and one of the clamps was broken so it leaked.  Mom got a new faucet, but the hoses he bought for the other sink didn't fit this one, so he needed new ones...if he didn't have to continually run to the store he might make some progress! lol!

I guess that's about it.  I have a lot to do before Friday, including some reviews on my other blogs, so it might be next week before I get back over here.  Or even visit the few of you who read this blog.  So, have a great week, and I'll see you all soon!!

Oh, wait, I almost forgot...I am rocking the water thing!  It's all I drink when I am home.  I bought a variety of flavor packets to put in it, so I am not bored with it.  Yet.

Shhhh....

I'm sitting here, dropping ecards, and sipping on a 44 ounce diet pepsi Junior brought home for me.  One soda a day won't hurt, will it?

I Think I See A Connection

Okay.  Yesterday, I was craving a diet pepsi bad, so Junior went up to the store, and got me a 44 ounce in ice.  Now, normally, I would drink that entire thing in about 30 minutes.  Yesterday, it took me about four hours to drink the whole thing.

Today, I did the same thing, but add to it a diet coke at the Chinese restaurant, with a refill.

Tonight, my lower back and left side is hurting again.  It has to be related to all that soda.  The good news is that I also drank over a gallon of water, too.

I seriously think I could float away right about now...

Water

Holy crap people.  I drank almost two gallons of water today all by myself.  I only had one 20 ounce sprite zero that Junior brought home from work for me.  I figured I could reward myself for all the water.  We even went to the store tonight and I didn't buy any soda.  I figure if it's not in the house I won't be tempted to drink it.

Let's see how much I can drink tomorrow.

Oh, and on the plus side, I think my kidney/UTI issue has resolved itself.

Yay.

Hi.

It's been a couple of weeks again, huh?  It's so easy for me to write on my other blogs, because writing about kids, food, and crafts are easy.  Writing about myself?  Not so much.

Went to McDonald's with my mom and the girls yesterday.  It was nice to b able to sit in a booth, and have a few inches between it and myself.  This time last year, I couldn't fit in a booth.  At all.  I don't think thin people think about those kinds of things...like fitting in a booth at a restaurant. 

We had a good therapy session last week.  Pretty much talked about nothing, which was nice.  Sometimes, these sessions are a relief.  We did tell our therapist about almost getting robbed, which she found scary and funny.  Kind of like we do now.  Looking back, we can all laugh at Junior going after the guy with a sledge hammer.  Even Brandi, which is awesome. 

I have been fighting some kind of kidney infection or something.  I have had the worst pain in my lower back and on my left front side.  I bought some medicine yesterday, and it is helping with the feeling like I have to pee every three minutes, but I am still in pain.  I haven't had any soda, only water, since yesterday, so I am hoping that will help, too. 

Starting tomorrow, I am going to start walking a little girl in my neighborhood to and from the bus stop.  She lives with her dad and Grandma, and the dad is going back to work, and the Grandma is sick and can't make it up and down the hill to the bus stop twice a day.  So the dad asked me to do it.  I was more than happy to.  I'm just praying I don't forget about her in the morning.  Her name is Caylyn, and she is 5.  And adorable.

Let's see...I have a few reviews I have to do this week, and all of the products were awesome!  The paid posts are still slow coming in, so I haven't been making much money, which sucks because I want to get my Christmas shopping going.  I bought a few things last week, but not nearly enough.

I think that's about it.  I need to get up and finish supper.  I breaded the chicken, and now I have to cook it.  I'm making hand breaded chicken nuggets, and I seriously can't wait to eat them.

Yum.

Probably More Than You Want To Know, But I'm Going To Share Anyway

Today, I went bra shopping.  For most of you, this is a simple thing.  Not for me.  I haven't bought a bra since my reduction, so I had no idea what size I am. Wait, that's not true.  I have been living in sports bras for the last 2+ years.  I decided today that I wanted something a little girlier...maybe even a sexy black one.  I've never owned a black bra...they don't make them in my old, huge size.

I was all excited as we entered Walmart.  That's right, Walmart.  You see, I was never able to buy a "cheap" bra at Walmart.  Heck, I couldn't buy an expensive bra there, either. They didn't carry my huge size.  I always had to go to the department stores in the mall, where the sales ladies would look at me like I was a freak.  (If you are a big girl who doesn't wear expensive clothes and you have to shop in a department store, you know the looks I am talking about) Anyway, I headed to the bras, and was overwhelmed by the selection.  My only problem was, I had no idea what size to start with.  I know I am pretty big around, but I have no idea what cup size, so I grabbed a bunch of different sizes and styles and headed for the fitting room.

Not one of them fit right.

The first one I tried on wasn't thick enough under the arms.  When I had my surgery, they cut me from under one arm to under the other arm.  My skin kind of comes to a point now under each arm, and the thin straps were not comfortable.  They didn't cover enough and cut right into that skin.  So, off that one went and I tried the next one.  The cups were too big.  It was a "C".  The next one was a "B", and the cups were fine, but the same thing was wrong with the side part.  And the same thing was wrong with all of the rest I had in there.

My excitement quickly turned to frustration when I realized that I wouldn't find a bra that fit properly.  Resigned, I headed over to the sports bras, and still didn't find any that I liked.  Of course, they didn't have the style I am currently wearing, and they are really comfortable.  I guess I'll have to make a trip to the mall and deal with the stares as I try to find a bra that will fit properly.

I am not looking forward to that at all...

Nine Days Later...

Things have gotten better since my last post.  Thank you so much for all your loving and supportive comments.  It is amazing that I have such wonderful friends who I have never even met.  You guys have no idea how much I appreciate you all.  I seriously love you guys!

As far as I know, my FIL is doing okay.  We actually met with Junior's sister to talk things over, and it seems that he will be unable to get to Junior's work from here on out. That is a wonderful thing.  My husband has breathed a huge sigh of relief, and can now relax at work. 

We went to therapy today, and it was a pretty weird hour.  We started the session talking about the past two weeks, and then ended up talking about my issues with driving and fishing.  It was funny, because we have been seeing Elizabeth for a while now, and today was the first time we touched on my craziness.  I warned her that I have some seriously weird issues, but I don't think she believed me.

For instance, my biggest fear about driving is that I will get into an accident and hurt my kids.  I would NEVER be able to live with myself if that happens, so I don't drive. Weird, yes.  Irrational, absolutely.  But it is what it is.

I also have a hard time letting my kids go places with people who aren't family, because let's face it.  If something terrible was to happen, and that person had to chose between saving my kids life or their own kids life, you know as well as I do that they would chose their own kid.  I would, too. Another weird fear, yup.  Totally irrational, abso-freakin'-lutely.

These are just two of my irrational crazy things.  Trust me, there are many more.  I am insane when it comes to my kids, and I know it.  The good news is that they don't know that I think these things.  I would hate for them to be aware of my issues.

Anyway, we left today's session in a good place mentally and emotionally.  Hopefully we can look forward to two more stress free weeks.  At least that's what I'm hoping for.

It's Been An Emotionally Rough Week

My father-in-law had a stroke a couple of weeks ago.  Apparently, he is having a hard time recovering from this one (he has had several in recent years).  I pray every night for him to get better, but in my heart, I really don't care if he does. 

I'm a horrible person, I know.  It's just that something happened last weekend, and I am having a hard time with it.  I have known for a while how Junior feels about his dad.  What I didn't know was how my son feels about him.  I mean, Junior and I have been in therapy for two years now dealing with his anger towards his dad, and it never occurred to me that the kids might have some anger towards him, too. 

This completely broke my heart.  For the first time, I broke down in therapy.  I can not stand to see so much hate and anger in my son.  He's 14, and shouldn't have to be this way.  Now, before I get the comments about how we've filled his head with negative thoughts, let me assure you.  That's not how it is.  Ryan is angry about how Junior is always on edge about his dad.  He's angry that his dad is hurting.  Know what I'm saying?  Our therapist recommended that Ryan come in for a session, or even start seeing a therapist of his own. 

How did this happen?  How did I not see that Ryan was so angry?  Why are these people still having an impact on my family two years after we broke ties?  My kids are so close to my mom, so they know how a grandparent is supposed to act.  It never occurred to me that they might be missing that with their other grandparents.  We assumed that our decision to walk away was the best thing for our family, but we never asked the kids how they felt about it.  Their answers wouldn't have changed our minds, but we might have gone about it differently.  Am I even making sense? 

There are other things going on, too, but I'm not going to torture you with all the details.  Let's just say that I have cried more in the last week than I have in the last year.  I have had my "woe is me" moments, and I have also realized something pretty important.

Are you ready?  I eat when I'm upset.  You're shocked, right?  I realized this when in therapy, after my meltdown, I looked at Junior and told him I needed ice cream.  In fact, I told him I needed a chocolate peanut butter milk shake from Sonic.  And you know what?  It made me feel better.

Analyze that! lol!

Friendship

I have been toying with writing this post for the past week or so.  I am not sure where I want to go with it, or even if what I am going to say is going to be post-worthy.  But, I need to sort things out, and this is usually the best place to do it.

Nine years ago, Junior and I lived in a trailer park.  It was a small park, with only ten homes.  Five on each side of the street.  It was a quiet place to live, and we were happy there.  The only problem was that it was a 2 bedroom, which was fine when Kasi and Ryan were that little.  But, once I got pregnant with Brandi, I knew we wouldn't stay there much longer.  Anyway, we had this neighbor.  She was a single woman, about ten years older than me.  We lived there for a while before we actually "met" her, but it wasn't until Brandi as born that her and I became friends.  We actually became very good friends.  She was always at my house, from morning until night.  She even came to family events with me, and my family got to know her well.  She didn't really work (she was trying to get on disability, so she held part time jobs...but never the same one for too long) so she had a series of boyfriends who paid her bills and gave her money.  Luckily, she owned her home, so her bills were minimal.  When ever she did get extra money, she always spent it on my kids. She especially treated Brandi like one of her own.

As time went on, I got to know her more and more, and I realized that there were things about her that I wasn't too fond of.  For instance, she was a compulsive liar.  I mean, it got to the point where I would know she was lying, but she would do it anyway.  I caught her in several lies, but instead of confronting her, I just let it go.  Then one day, about five years ago, she went a little insane and ended up in the psych ward for three days.  This just so happened to have occurred during a week that my sister was visiting from NY.  Well, She called me from the hospital, and said that she needed me to go to the hospital and sign her out, and take responsibility for her.  There were several reasons why I didn't do it.  For one, my sister hardly ever visits, and I wasn't about to change my plans with her.  Selfish?  Maybe. The second and more important reason...there was no way that I wanted to be responsible for her.  She has a grown (and married) daughter who refused to do it, so why should it fall on me?

After that, she didn't come around or call for a few weeks.  I knew she was probably ticked, but oh well.  Eventually, things got back to normal, and she was at my house all the time again. By this point, we had moved to a new house, and we weren't neighbors anymore.  I was getting tired of catching her in lies, and I was finally beginning to realize that she may not be someone I want to be friends with.  My sisters called her toxic, and I started to agree.  there are a lot of other things that happened, but you get the gist of it.  So eventually, I stopped taking her calls.  When she came by the house, Junior would tell her I was out with my sister or my mom.  After a few weeks, I think she got the message, because she stopped calling.

So, a few weeks ago, she went into where my brother in law works, and started asking about me.  At this point, it's been about four years or more since I have seen her.  he didn't want to give out my number, so he took her number to give to me.  He told me about it, and I wasn't too excited, or eager, to call her, so I didn't even take the number from him.

Well, last Monday, the park manager stopped Junior as he was coming in from work to tell him that some lady was looking for us.  It was her.  I couldn't believe it!  Apparently, my brother-in-law had told her the general area where we lived, and she drove around until she found us.  (I found out later that she stopped and talked to anyone she could find in their yards, asking them if they knew us!) Now that she knew where we lived, I felt it was best to just call her so she would stop coming around.

Now, this chick can talk.  I am talking about the type of person who will cut you off mid-sentence to talk about themselves.  So, I called her.  And she talked.  And talked.  And talked.  For about an hour and a half.  Not once did she ask how I have been...she just talked about herself.  I agreed to have her come by and see the kids, because she did love them like her own, and she wanted to see them.  Well, when she came over, she acted like the past four+ years never happened.  She bought my kids some school clothes, and has been here almost every day since then.  Yesterday, she called and asked if she could take me to lunch.  Actually, she called and said she was coming to get me, so I better be ready.  She treated us to a nice lunch, and I kind of enjoyed myself.  It's been a long time since I have been "out" without the kids or Junior.

Here is my dilemma.  I am still not sure I want to get too involved with her.  I don't know if I can believe anything she says, but I know she has a heart of gold and doesn't mean any harm...it's just how she is.  Listening to her talk this past week, it's apparent that she has no other friends.  She never did.  She has boyfriends, but no close girlfriends.  I don't know if I am feeling bad for her, or if I really want to be her friend again.  Does that make sense?

Does any of this make sense?  I know I've rambled, and I hope what I am trying to say has come through.  I guess my question to you is, have you ever (or do you now) had a needy friend, and if so, how did (or do you) keep your distance without hurting their feelings? 

Perfect? Nah, Not Even Close.

I have been meaning to write this post since last Tuesday, but I seem to have my head screwed on backwards these days.  The kids are back in school, and we are slowly getting back into our routine.  I spent the summer not cooking, and have had to get back into the habit of cooking every night.  I am trying to cook well balanced meals, and it's been hard some nights.  I mean, there are nights it is just easier to open a jar of sauce and have pasta for supper with garlic bread.  Pure carbs, I know, but sometimes, it's the easiest thing.

I don't want to write about my cooking, though.  You all know I have another blog for that :).  I want to tell you about something we talked abut in therapy last week.  Some of you know that Junior had a bad weekend a few weeks ago.  He is stressed, and I have been thinking for a while now that he might be depressed again.  So, we started up his meds again, and he seems to be doing better.  (I know some of you don't believe in meds, but for us, there is no other choice...I can't and won't go into specifics here)  We ended up going to our family doctor, who I love.  He was our doctor back when we had insurance, and he has been the kids doctor forever.  In fact, he was the one who told me I was pregnant with Brandi.  Anyway, we went and spoke with him for a good while, and Junior seems to be back on track.

When we were in therapy last week, we were talking about how Junior was doing, and one of our therapists, Myra, asked why I decided to stand by Junior and be so supportive.  That question kind of shocked me, and I told her so.  She asked why, and I told her that it never even entered my mind not to be supportive.  I mean, he is my husband.  It's what I'm supposed to do.  I did point out that by the end of the weekend, I was ready to bitch slap him and tell him to suck it up, but that was when he was kind of feeling better.

So my question to you is this...if you are married, would you walk away from your spouse if they were going through a difficult period?  If so, how much is enough?

Elizabeth, our main therapist, actually said that Junior and I have a "real" marriage, and we should be role models for other married couples.  She said we don't have the preconceived notion that life is going to be a big romance story.  We have love.  Real love.  Comfortable love. Simple as that.  We have been through so much together.  Stuff that would have probably resulted in divorce in many other couples.  (I am not talking about cheating or anything like that...just family drama and money issues and depression and all the normal everyday crap) 

I am in no way bragging here, and I was pretty embarrassed when she was saying all of this, but when I thought about it later, I think she kind of had a point.  My marriage is in no way perfect, but we don't expect it to be.  But, when one of us is down, after the other makes fun for a moment, there is a lot of lifting up going on.  I know, without a doubt, that Junior would do anything for me.  I know this.  He has proven it time and time again.

It was my time to be there for him, and I am happy to say that I was.

A Blog With Substance

My sweet, sweet friend Jeannette, author of A Hippo With A Headband, passed this award to me, and I am honored that she thinks so highly of me.  I mean, I know I'm awesome.  It's nice that other people think so, too.  (kidding...totally kidding)  Seriously, I am honored that she thought of me to pass this along to.

•Thank the blogger who awarded it to you.

•Sum up your blogging philosophy, motivation, and experience using five (5) words.

•Pass it on to 10 other blogs which you feel have real substance.

So, five words that sum up my blogging philosophy.  This is kind of hard.  Let's say:

HONEST ~ LOYAL ~ FRIENDSHIP ~ HUMILITY ~ MOTIVATING

That was pretty hard, and I'm not even sure those are the right five words.  I may change them after I have had a while to mull it over. 

This next part is even harder for me, and that is selecting people to pass this award to.  That said, I am going to completely flake out and pass it to all of you who visit today.  Each and every one of you who stop by and leave encouraging words, well, you will never know how much that means to me.  I have this blog because I wanted somewhere to talk about myself.  No kid stories, no husband stories.  Just me stories. I don't want hundreds of readers over here like I have on my main blog.  I want all of those who visit here to know the real me, and I want that to be an intimate experience.  I want to be able to continue to be completely honest here, and with your support, I can be. 

Thank you for that.  I love you all!

Happy

I. Am. Happy.

Such a simple little sentence, yet so hard for some people to be.  Some people, no matter what life throws at them, are just not happy.  They could be surrounded by family and friends, people who love them, yet they are unhappy, and they feel like they have to make evreyone else around them unhappy, too.

I am a happy person, most of the time.  But like everyone, life can sometimes make things less than perfect.  From now on, I want to be that happy person, who sees the good in every situation.

I am going to stop worrying about things I can not change, and be happy with the things that are wonderful in my life.  In fact, my life is wonderful.  I have a husband who loves me and kids I adore.  Are we the perfect family?  Heck no.  I threaten to punch Ryan in the face at least three times a week.  The way I see it, I hardly ever spank the kids.  In fact, I can not even remember the last time Ryan (or the girls) was spanked.  I mean, he's 14 years old.  So, instead of threatening to spank him, I threaten to punch him.  We both know I'll never do it...in fact, most of the time he laughs in my face.  Not in a disrespectful way...it is so hard to describe the relationship I have with my kids.  I am most definitely the parent, and they listen to me (most of the time) without too much hassle.  I am also kind of their friend, but not in the way that means I'm not the mom.  Does that make sense?  We joke around and stuff, but when push comes to shove, they know who's in charge.  There is a definite line, and they know not to cross it.  Oy, I am confusing myself right now.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all know how to have fun.  I seriously don't know what would happen if we didn't laugh around here.  We spend so much time being silly and funny...and it's wonderful. 

We're happy. 

All of us.

Together.

And I love it.

On The Right Track, Only It's Not My Track

Hmmm...I wish I could open up and tell you all what has been going on around here, but I can't.  Too many lurkers (who think I don't know that they are) are still reading my blogs, and they don't deserve to know what is going on in my world.

So go away!  We want nothing to do with you.  Is that really a hard thing to understand?

The rest of you...message me on facebook, and I'll catch you up. 

Quick Question

Why do I always have to be the strong one?

My Journey, Huh?

Well, lately my journey sucks.  I am having too much fun spending time with my family to worry about things like eating right and exercising.  But. most of my time has been spent swimming, which is supposed to be great exercise.  And since we are in the pool so much, I am not snacking.  Which is awesome.  Except at night.  I have no willpower at night.  Seriously.  I can go all day without eating, but once the sun goes down, I can eat everything in sight.  I don't.  But I could.

I haven't lost any weight, and am still up a couple of pounds.  I am okay with that, though, because I am staying pretty steady, which for me is a big deal.  I mean, it's been a year since I lost a big hunk of weight, and I have kept it off.  For a freakin' year!  I have never done that before.  Sure, I want to lose more.  But right now I am going to be happy with maintaining. 

The kids go back to school two weeks from today.  I can not believe the Summer has gone by so quickly.  I am looking forward to getting back into our daily routine, though.  I love this quiet time at night, when I am the only one awake.  It's so peaceful.  I tried doing bedtimes tonight, to get them back into the swing of things.  Brandi finally fell asleep around 11, even though I had her in bed at 9.  We watched Huge together, so she really went down at 10, but I am hoping to have her back to regular bedtime by next week.  Last year, she went to bed at 7:30, but was allowed to watch 30 minutes of TV before going to sleep.  She usually fell asleep before 8.  This year, she wants to stay up until 9.  I am not sure how she will do with that, since we get up at 5:30am.  That's only 8 1/2 hours sleep, and I prefer she get closer to 10.  But, I guess we'll try it out and see.  Ryan is almost 15, and wants to stay up later, too.  last year he went to bed at 10, and I still think that is late enough.

Seriously, why am I rambling on about my kids bedtimes?  Like ya'll really care about all that.  And this blog is supposed to be about me, not my kids.  I have other blogs for that.

We have therapy tomorrow.  We haven't been for a month...I was sick last session and Junior refused to go without me, even though this is his therapy, and I am only there for support.  It's funny...last time we saw our therapist, we were talking about going more frequently.  Oh well.

I guess that's about it.  If you made it this far, well, thanks for reading.  I know I ramble sometimes.  That's just how my mind works.

I Hate The Scale Right Now

Okay, so last week I was sick for like four days.  Then Mother nature thought it would be fun to add to my misery, and then, to top it all of, I got a little irregular.  Now, my tooth is killing me.

Not a fun week at all. 

I did get on the scale after being sick for a few days, and I was down 52 pounds.  I finally got over that hump! 

I got on the scale this morning, and wanted to put my fist through the wall.  I seriously don't get it.  I haven't been eating much at all due to the puking and toothache, yet I gained weight.  Sure, it might be because it's that time of the month, but it's still so frustrating.

Hey! Hello! How Ya Doin'?

Me?  I'm doing just fine.  I've been swimming, and blogging, and watching scary movies with Kasi.  I have so many reviews coming up on "my kids" blog...I am loving the products I am getting to test out!  I finally feel like I made a name for myself in this blog world.  My blog is gaining sponsors, which is awesome, and I have some giveaways coming up, too.  Seriously, I am having a flippin' ball!

My weight?  Still the same.  Exactly the same.  No change whatsoever!  Now, this should be frustrating, but since I am not dieting, or exercising regularly, I have come to accept this.  I know when I start putting a little effort into it, I will start losing again.  I know this.  I just have to get to that point, and right now, I have too much going on, so I am going to be happy with simply maintaining right now.

Junior went to the clinic yesterday, and was put on the waiting list.  It could take up to six months for him to get in to see the doctor, which sucks, but what else can we do?

The kids go back to school a month from Friday...August 16.  I can not believe that Summer vacation is almost over.  As much as I am enjoying staying up late and sleeping in, I am looking forward to the routine we will be in once they go back. 

I have cracked on the whole water thing.  I know, I know.  I did so good for a while, and then I had a diet sprite, and that was it.  But, I have been doing the wii, and loving it! 

I guess that's about it.  I have some work to do over on the other blog, so I need to get my big ole butt in gear...

We Went To Therapy

I was pretty excited to see what our therapists would say this week about our last session, since it was with the kids.  Turns out, we didn't really get to talk much about it.  One of them did say that if she had to sum up our family with one word, it would be funny.  (are you really surprised?)  She also said that Brandi is most definitely a mommy's girl, and Kasi is more of a daddy's girl.  She didn't know which Ryan preferred, because he picked on both of us evenly. 

We spent most of the session talking about things I am not comfortable sharing here, mostly because it concerns Junior.  I mean, these are his therapy sessions, and there are some things that he doesn't want me to share.  I'm just going to say that talking about it helped, and we are taking steps in the right direction.  Sounds kind of mysterious, doesn't it?

We also discussed going every week again for a little while, so we might go back next Tuesday.  It really all depends on if Junior can get a doctor's appointment before then, otherwise he needs to go to the clinic Tuesday, which means no therapy.  He is finally going to go have another sleep study done so they can recalibrate his bi-pap machine, because he hasn't been sleeping well.  We are hoping the clinic will send him, and Tuesdays are the only time you can go in and talk to the receptionist about getting an appointment, and it usually means waiting around for an hour or two.  So, if we don't hear from them before Tuesday, that's where Junior will be.  Our therapist is sending them a referral, so we are hoping they will call before then.

Am I rambling a little?  Sorry.

You know I do that from time to time.

Motivation Monday ~ Week 2

So...how'd I do last week....

• on a positive note, I gave up soda, for the most part.  When I am at home, instead of drinking soda, I have been drinking water.  Lots and lots and lots of water.  I didn't buy a 2 liter of soda all week.  Now, I did have a soda if we stopped for a drink while out and about, which is okay, because it calms the cravings.

• yesterday was the 4th, which means lots of food and swimming.  I was hoping the swimming would work of all the food, but not so much.  There was no change in my weight at all last week...which sucks...but it's better than showing a gain.  

• I didn't do the wii at all.

 What are my goals for the coming week:

• I have got to find a way to get this weight off.  Seriously.  I don't want to "diet", because for me, that is always the beginning of the end. 

• I rearranged the furniture in my living room this morning, making it more wii friendly.  That means I am going to be doing that this week...starting tonight.

• I am going to continue drinking water, which gets easier every day.

Thanks to Jeannette for hosting Motivation Monday...head over to her blog Hippo With A Headband if you want to join in, too.

Am I Still Motivated Today?

The only thing I am doing right this week is drinking water.

Lots and lots of water.

The good thing is that I have only had two sodas since Monday, and both were on the way to my mom's house, and I didn't finish either one.  I am actually wanting the water.

Weird, I know.

The only downside is that it goes right through me.  I got up about six times last night alone...it was crazy!

As far as the other two goals for this week...yeah, I'm not holding my breath.

My First Blog Award

The Rules:
•Thank the blogger who awarded it to you.
•Sum up your blogging philosophy, motivation, and experience using five (5) words.
•Pass it on to 10 other blogs which you feel have real substance.

My newest friend Jeannette has passed this award on to me, and I am pretty excited about it! This is the first award for this little blog of mine!

I am supposed to sum up this blog in five words...let's see...finding my way to healthy...how's that?  Sound good?

I am also supposed to pass this along to 10 other blogs, but I'm not going to.  Why not?  Well, because all of you who read this blog and share my journey are special, so I want you all to have it! :)

Motivation Monday ~ Week 1

Motivation Monday is hosted by Jeannette, over at A Hippo With A Headband.

I have been thinking about a bunch of things lately, and making them into one coherent post seemed impossible.  Today I will try and get them all down in a bullet type post, so bear with me.  (is it bear, or bare?)

• my weight is at a stand still, and it is pissing me off.  I really believed that once I started swimming every day, the weight would come off.  I mean, when I am in the pool, I am constantly swimming laps.  I jump in, play with the kids...all of this is great exercise!  And since I wasn't exercising at all before I started swimming, I was really hoping to see some results.

• on that same note, I am feeling a whole lot better.  I am sleeping better.  I haven't been hit with insomnia since mom opened the pool, which is just plain awesome.

• I really need to stop drinking soda.  I live on diet lemon lime soda.  I drink at least a 2 liter bottle a day, sometimes more.  I need to start drinking water.  I know this, but it is so hard to do.  When I quit smoking, I used soda as a substitute for nicotine.  I think it is time to break this habit, too.

• it's Summer, so it's only natural that I start stressing about money.  We are not going to be able to camp this year, which really sucks, but at least we are not stuck in the house every day.  My power bill is ridiculously high, but if we want to stay semi-cool, we need to run the A/C.  Last Summer was when I started losing this weight, and back then, it was definitely stress related.  Maybe worrying about money will help me over this hump...I know, not healthy, but hey, I'll take what I can get.

• google...an update is coming, and I am worried.  If I lose rank, I lose money.  And to be honest, the money hasn't been that good lately, even with my current rankings.  I am praying that at least one of my blogs will increase, so that the money coming in will increase.  I mean, before I know it, school will be starting again, and we all know how expensive all those supplies are, especially for three kids.

I guess since this is Motivation Monday, I need to set some goals for myself for this week.  Let's see...

• I am going to try and lose 3 pounds...I had my period last week, so my weight was up a little...I want to get back to my 50 pound loss by next Monday.

• I am going to drink more water.  I have a couple of bottles of soda in the house, and once they are gone, I am not going to buy anymore.

• I am going to do the wii every day.  I still don't have the wii fit, but even playing the sports games for a little while is good exercise for this girl who does nothing but sit at the computer getting work done.  I will find time to play this week :)

Okay, three goals in seven days...let's see if I can do it!

I Feel A Long Winded, Rambling Post Coming On...

Just give me a day or two to get my thoughts straight.  I feel like I have a million things to say, but nothing is making sense in my head right now.  Sleep may help...

Family Therapy

Yesterday the kids joined Junior and I for a therapy session.  We played a game called "The Ungame", and it was pretty fun.  Basically, landing on different spaces has us doing different things, like answering questions from cards or making up our own questions to ask each other.  The kids were nice, mostly, when they answered about me, and sarcastic when answering questions about Junior.  I think I came off as the one who tries to keep the kids in line, while Junior just egged them on.  I am very interested to see what our therapists are going to say about us when we have a regular session in two weeks.

My last post was about what my Grandmother said to me, and I have been thinking about that quite a bit.  Not what she said so much, but how I reacted to it.  (oh, and I know I put giggle instead of jiggle...I just realized that re-reading the post...I need to fix that!)  In the past, a comment like that would have crushed me.  I would have probably cried about it, and then spent the rest of the day (or week) miserable, because I probably wouldn't have put on a bathing suit in front of her.

This new me, though?  I let it slide right off my back.  I got up from the table, put on my suit, and jumped into the pool.  I know, now, how much I have changed in the past year.  I don't think I really realized it before then.  I have a little bit of confidence now, and it feels great! 

This Is Going To Be Quick...

My Grandmother came in this morning, and will be staying until next weekend.  Now, I haven't seen her since before my surgery, and she says to me this afternoon:

"Jenn, I had no idea you were so big (as she giggles her arms, implying that my fat arms giggle).  I used to tell people you were thin with big boobs, but I can see I was wrong."

Thanks Grandmother.  Thanks alot.

Like I Need Something Else To Worry About

***Okay, so I just finished writing this post, and it ended up being long, and kind of whiny at times.  Consider yourself warned.

So, did you all read about Junior's hand?  If not, you can read about it here.  I am still trying to wrap my head around it all.

I am optimistic, though.  I keep praying that the infection will respond to these new antibiotics.  I remember when I first started going to the doctor about my boob, they said the same thing to me.  They gave me a whopping dose of antibiotics, and then wanted to see me 12 hours later to see if there was any improvement.

There was.

I am hoping the same thing happens with Junior.  Actually, I am praying the same thing happens.  We, as a family, depend on him.  We have no savings (living paycheck to paycheck sucks!) and if he is out of work, I have no idea what we will do.  Thankfully, he has three weeks of vacation he can take, but that will wipe out any chance of us vacationing at all this year.

He is not taking this whole thing well.  I can not help with changing the dressing.  I almost passed out just looking at it before.  He had to shove the new gauze in the hole himself.  It hurt.  I have never seen him in so much pain.  And he has to do this twice a day.  Thank God they finally gave him some good pain medicine that is working to dull the pain.  He is half stoned right now, but that's okay.  I like seeing him like this more than I like seeing him in pain.

I am trying to stay up until 2am, when he needs to take his next dose of antibiotics.  This new one is 300mg four times a day, on top of the other one he started on Wednesday.  Too bad this new one wasn't a $4 walmart medicine like the other one was.  The gauze we had to get was almost a dollar a sheet.  The doctor prescribed 20 sheets, which would have been almost $18.  Thankfully the pharmacist recommended getting half to start with, and if we need more we can get the rest.  I don't think we will need anymore, because Junior only put about a one inch square piece in the hole, and we have 9 sheets of 1X8 that we are cutting up.  We should have only bought four sheets, or even three to start with, but oh well.  This shit might be good for other cuts, too, if someone in the family gets hurt.

You know what?  I think I am rambling.  I am sure no one really cares about what size gauze we bought, but I feel better just rambling on.  It helps me deal.  I was so stressed before, I went into Ryan's room and played my favorite video game for a couple of hours.  That helped me relax.  I am such a video game junkie, especially when I find a game I like.

Tomorrow my grandmother is coming up from Florida.  I am looking forward to seeing her.  It's been a while, and the kids are excited, too.  But, with Brandi running a temperature, we'll have to see if we'll be going over there (to mom's) tomorrow.  I think, and don't yell at me, that she got too much sun yesterday (we were in the pool all day).  She didn't burn (she had on tons of sunscreen) but I think she might have just overheated herself.  So, from now on, I will limit her, and my, time in the pool.  It's just so nice being in the water.

My sunburn is looking great!  I peeled, then peeled again, and now I am getting tan.  Trust me, though.  I am wearing a lot of sunscreen, too.

My weight?  Frustrating.  I was sure that once I started swimming, the weight would come off.  But it's not.  My sister recently posted some pictures from our Tennessee trip, and I was in a few of them.  I hate having my picture taken.  I HATE it.  I hate my mouth and my smile.  (I am not fishing for compliments about how beautiful I am...I know I'm beautiful...but that doesn't mean that I can't hate something about myself)  Anyway...I look fat in the pictures.  Not as fat as I was last year, but still fat.  I have so much more weight to lose, and I want to be on the right track, but it is so hard!  I love to eat as much as I hate having my picture taken.  I have been trying to eat better, and I have been.  But I still slip, especially when chocolate and peanut butter are involved.

God, this is turning into a whiny post now, isn't it?  I think I might need to go to bed.  I can always set the alarm to get up and give Junior his medicine. 

If you made it to the end of this post, well, that must mean you love me. :)

Life

I have been so busy.  Which is so unlike me.  You all know I would rather sit home than go out.  Unless it's for Chinese food.  Then all bets are off.

Seriously, though.  I could quite easily become a hermit, as long as I had my family and computer.  I like being home, following my routine, and that has not happened much since school let out.  Actually, I think it started with my Tennessee trip.  Since then, it seems like we have something to do, or somewhere to go, every day.

And it's beginning to bug me.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I love going to my mom's house to swim and hang out with her.  The kids are having a ball in the pool.  So am I.  They have all learned to swim in the deep end, even Brandi.  But being away from home so much has gotten us out of our routine.  Brandi has been staying up until after midnight every night.  Last night she was up until almost 3.  Going to bed late means sleeping late in the morning, which means I don't have enough time to get the housework done, much less my computer work.  Doing paid posts is a lot more work than just doing the posts.  I have to network my blog, comment like crazy (which I suck at, as most of you know) and keep up connections I've made.  Some days it is exhausting.

But, I love doing it.  It allows me to stay home with the kids.  So all these hours spent in the pool means I am not blogging.  Which is a good thing.  I am out in the world, spending time with the kids and my mom, ad having a wonderful time. 

Wait, where was I going with this?  Right.  I haven't been home much lately.

Next week, my grandmother will be visiting from Florida.  She's coming in on Saturday, and will be here until next weekend.  Then we have Eclipse coming out and 4th of July weekend.  Oh, and my anniversary is Tuesday, June 22nd (15 years!  Holy crap!) and then we have a friend's birthday dinner two days later. 

Maybe by the second week of July things will go back to normal.

Or maybe not.

Oh, and just in case you are wondering, my weight loss has stalled, which is pissing me off, because I have been swimming so much!

I Don't Usually Post Pictures On Here, But...

here's a shot of the kids and I in mom's pool.  We are all watching Ryan jump in...or should I say "belly flop" in.  My nephew Carson loves when he does that.

I don't want this blog to be about my kids...this is my space.  I just wanted to show you that I am enjoying myself this summer.  Tomorrow we are having a cookout at mom's again, with my sisters mother-in-law.  Today, my mom made it a point to tell me she would be there,  Um, okay.  I asked if she wanted me to not wear my bathing suit in front of her, and she said that's not what she meant.  She just wanted to make sure that I knew that she was going to be there.  I don't think she understands that I have had a sort of epiphany lately...I am fat.  I know this.  I am trying to lose weight, but it's hard.  In the meantime, I refuse to let another summer go by without enjoying myself.  People can tell I am fat whether I have on my bathing suit of shorts and a tshirt.  I decided that this year, I am going to wear a bathing suit, and I don't care what anyone else thinks.  I have spent the past 38 years of my life watching from the sidelines, worried about what people think of me.  For some reason, this year, I say fuck it.  Let people laugh at me.  Let people judge me.  I don't care.

And I have really, never been happier.

A Twist

It's been almost two years since Junior started therapy.  Most of you who read this know the back story, so I am not going to repeat it all.  The reasons he started and the reasons he's still going have changed, and it's become more about us as a family, and not so much about the stuff that started this.  Am I being cryptic?  I don't mean to be.  Let me try this again.

The focus of therapy has changed from dealing with the hurt and anger to coping with it.  Does that make sense?  In our sessions, we talk more about what we do as a family ( meaning me, Junior, and the kids) and less about how other family members (his dad, mother, and brother) influence our lives, because it has been so long since we have seen any of them, they no longer effect (or affect, I never know which to use) Junior's day to day life.  Sure, he is still dealing with his past, and all that other stuff, but we also talk about how he acts towards our kids and me. 

So yesterday, Elizabeth, who is our therapist, and Myra, the therapist who has sat in for the last two sessions, came into the waiting room to call us back.  They noticed that we had all the kids with us (we were going straight to my mom's house from there) and got very excited.  They wanted the kids to join us for a session.  I think that kind of freaked Junior out a bit, but we agreed.  Unfortunately, the family room was unavailable, and the room we were in was too small for all of us.  But, for next session, Elizabeth booked the family room, and we are all going to play some kind of game. 

It should be interesting.  I already told the kids, and I made sure they know that they can answer any question however they want, being completely honest.  I am terrified thinking about what will come out of their mouths, but it should be fun.

Gulp.

A Big Step For Me

I wore a bathing suit today in front of my mom.  I wasn't even self-conscience, though I probably should have been.  But whatever.  I had fun swimming with the kids in the pool, and that's the important thing.  I didn't sit in the shade and watch the fun...I was a part of it!

You guys have no idea how big a step this was for me. 

Now next weekend, my sister will be there, and we'll see how comfortable I am in front of her.  And then the following weekend, my aunt and Grandmother will be here.  Hopefully by then I won't care who sees me! lol!

Oh, and I should probably mention that I am a freakin' lobster right now.  When will I learn???

'Bout There

Okay, so I have been stressing getting on the scale, what with the weight gain from the past few weeks.  But this morning I sucked it up and weighed myself.

I have two more pounds to lose, and then I am back to the 49 pound loss.  This also means I am three pounds away from a 50 pound loss. 

Three pounds.

Ug.  Seems like so much sometimes...

Hey Ya'll!

That sounded pretty southern, didn't it? LOL!

Anyway, I have been so busy it's not even funny.  My trip to Tennessee was awesome, but since I've been back, the scale has not been my friend.  not only did I not make it to 50, I gained a couple of pounds back.

Ug.

This is such a hard thing to do, but I am not giving up.  I was surprised that i gained weight over my weekend away, because we did a LOT of walking, and not really much eating.  But, what i did eat was very carb heavy, and I think that was my problem.  By the time we were headed home, I was craving something, anything, that wasn't a carb, which is weird for me, because i could live on bread alone.

The following weekend, which was last weekend, we had two parties for Kasi, and at both I ate way too much crap.  Then today we had a cookout at mom's, and I ate way too much.  Again.

The good thing now is that the kids are out of school, and I am getting us all back on track.  I plan on swimming a lot, which I love, and it is also great exercise.  I have to make our food budget stretch, because the kids are no longer eating two meals a day at school.  This means no extra junk in the house. 

This is a good thing.

On a totally unrelated note, I have once again managed to get into some poison oak, and it's driving me crazy!  It's on the inside of both ankles, and a little bit up each calf.  You would think by now I would be more careful, but I still don't know exactly what it looks like.  But like every year (for the past four or five anyway) I will suffer through it.

Hopefully this time it won't spread.

One More To Go!

I lost another pound.  That makes 49.  I really want to lose another pound before our trip this weekend...

Sleep...Where Are You?

I hate insomnia.  I haven't figured out why this happens to me.  It could be that I sleep too late in the mornings.  My typical routine is go to bed between midnight and 1am.  The alarm goes of at 2:15am, and I get Junior up for work.  The alarm goes off again at 5:15am and I get up and get the kids off to school.  I lay back down around 7am, and sleep until 10:15am.  (I find it easier to change the hour three times a day, so I always get up at something 15)  This totals about 8 hours of sleep, if I fall asleep quickly, which doesn't normally happen.  Usually, I get about 6 1/2 hours of sleep a night. 

So tonight (I know it's technically morning, but whatever) I know that I don't have to get up three times in the morning.  I can sleep until my body decides to wake up.  (or until my mother calls...we have plans for tomorrow)  But here I sit.  I am pretty tired, but I can not fall asleep.  I blame all the caffeine I had today.  Usually, I drink diet sprite (or the equivalent store brand) at home, but when we go out, I drink diet coke, because most places don't carry the diet sprite.  Today we did a lot of running around, and I drank a lot of diet coke, which means I had a lot of caffeine. 

Which probably explains why I am still up.

At least I will be able to sleep in on Sunday...

Another Pound Gone!

I'm a little excited right now! 

I just weighed myself, and I lost another pound! 

That makes 48!  Two more pounds to my first goal of losing 50! 

Am I freakin' awesome or what?

Please, Don't Yell At Me

Remember last year, when my wisdom tooth declared war on me, and I ended up in tears in the ER, begging for some relief?  Remember how I was supposed to wait a few weeks for the antibiotics to get rid of the infection, then I was going to have it pulled?

Well, I never did. 

And today, it started up again.  BUT, I took some pain meds pretty quickly, so the pain is under control.  I also had some antibiotics that I could take (I am allergic to penicillin), so i started those.  I am hoping i caught it early enough, and by tomorrow or the next day, it will be fine.

Than maybe in a few weeks (or months) I can have it pulled.

Reflecting

I love Facebook.  I really do. It's such great fun to find old friends, and see what they have been up to the last, oh, 20 years or so.  Night before last I found a friend who I used to go to church with. 

A little back story:

Growing up in New York, it was considered different not to be Catholic.  I was, and still am, Baptist.  There were not very many Baptist churches on Long Island, but my grandparents went to one, and every Sunday they would pick up me, my brother and my sister, and off we would go.  I remember doing this as far back as i can remember.  My parents would show up for services sometimes, but never Sunday school. 

I loved this church.  Being just 14 months younger than my sister, i kind of gravitated towards her friends, and never really had any of my own.  Except in church.  In fact, my best friend growing up was a boy whose parents were best friends with my grandparents.  (they adopted him later in life, so they were my grandparents age by the time we were in high school)  I was allowed to sleep over his house, and it was never questioned.  Of course, nothing ever happen, though everyone would have sworn we would have gotten married someday. 

Anyway, the church we went to was small, and the youth group was even smaller.  I think there were maybe ten of us, and we were all really close.  I used to go every Sunday, day and night, and Wednesday nights just to hang out with my friends.  I remember sitting in the back pew, passing notes while the pastor preached his sermon.  We got busted a few times, if I remember correctly, by leaving our notes in the hymnals.

We went on youth retreats.  We took day trips into the city with the church bus (which was nothing more than an old school bus that barely ran).  We did Christmas programs.  And Pioneer Girls.  And potlucks.  

I really do look back on those years as some of the best from my childhood.  Then one day, my dad decided that he wanted us to change churches, and I was so angry with him.  By this time my best friend was driving, and I thought I was old enough to decide which church I wanted to attend.  I could just go with him was my logic, but my dad didn't let me.  If I remember correctly, my sister was driving by this time, and she would take all of us to Sunday school, and then church.  I don't ever remember my parents going...but that could just be my failing memory.  I didn't like this new church.  It was big, and the friends I loved were not there.  I grew up in that other church, and that is where I wanted to be.

It wasn't too long after this that we stopped going to church altogether.  I truly believe that my life would be so different right now if we had never left that little church.  I was on the right path back then.  Not that I am on the wrong path now, because I wouldn't trade one second of the past 20 years for anything.  I just think that I would have made different choices along the way. 

Like staying in church.

So, I found one of my closest girlfriends from back then on Facebook.  She is married to one of the guys who was in our tight little group of friends at church, and they have four daughters.  She is still very involved with her church, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little jealous of her.

And I can't for the life of me figure out exactly why.  I mean, I think it is because I wish I was part of a church again.  I want my kids to go to Sunday school, but with Junior and I, not my parents.  I just can not get Junior to go.  You see, we have a difference of opinion when it comes to choosing a church.  I want to go to a Baptist church, and he doesn't.  He wants to go to a Church Of God.  I think that because I was raised in church, and I have pretty strong beliefs, that he should do what I want.  Selfish?  Maybe.  But he went to church only on holidays, and it was never a good experience for him.  I think if he will just try a Baptist church, he will like it.  I know the kids would love it.

My mom has been talking about finding a new church, and I seriously think that we should all go together.  I mean, church is all about family, so why not go with family.  Right?

I need to stop making excuses.  I need to go out and get some church clothes (now that I have lost some weight I can get some stuff in smaller sizes :) ) for myself and the kids.  I need to make an effort to get my family into a church.

I think maybe that is what I have been missing, and maybe seeing what my old friend has makes me want it all the more.  Does that even make sense?

Headaches Suck

I hate waking up with a headache. It ruins my entire day. I can't find the advil, so I had to take tylenol, which never really helps. I am hoping it will ease off a little...it's been two hours since I took the tylenol, and so far, no change...and not become a full blown migraine.

I didn't sleep well last night, and I think that might be playing a part in this. I was up almost every hour, for no reason. I finally got four hours of straight sleep once the kids were off to school, and probably would have slept longer had the alarm not gone off.

I am hoping to get to bed at a decent hour tonight, and maybe this headache will be gone by morning.

Three More To Go!

Just a quick little post...

I weighed myself this morning, and I am down another pound.

That makes 47!

Three more and I will have lost 50!

Yay me!!!!!

Virus Free!

My computer is fixed, thanks to my dad. Apparently, I did not have working anti-virus stuff on here, so as soon as he downloaded one, it got rid of the virus.

Or at least I think that is what happened! lol! All I know is that I am back to working at 100%, no more pop ups, no more porn icons, and no more spontaneous shut downs.

Life, or at least my computer life, is good again. My non-computer life has always been, and will always be, good :)

Digital Protection

That seems to be the name of the virus that has attached itself to my computer. I have no idea how to get rid of it. Thankfully, other than being really annoyed, I can still get online. I just have to continuously close pop ups that insist that my computer is being attacked. Every now and then, the virus completely shuts down my computer, and that is getting old fast. Oh, and then there are the three porn site icons that materialize on my desktop. I delete them...five minutes later they are back. I am just glad the porn sites aren't opening up on their own. At least the icons are hidden when I am online.

I have forbidden the kids from using the computer until I get this fixed.

Other than that, I have been spending the day getting ready for my company that's coming over tomorrow night. Last Sunday was my dad's birthday, so I am cooking dinner tomorrow night, and then we'll do cake. My sister is coming with Carson and Lylah, which should be fun.  You all know how much I love my nephew and niece.  I might even try to talk my dad into playing around with my computer.  I need help from someone.

That's An Elephant, You Know

How do you like the new look?

I love it! I was so excited when I found this elephant template.

I bet you are wondering what I have been up to, since it has been a while since I have updated here. Again. I suck.

I'm still down about 46 pounds, which is awesome. I really want to drop another four so I can say I've lost 50...I'll get there. Slow and steady is my goal this time, and it seems to be working well for me.

Did I mention I bought a bathing suit I am actually looking forward to wearing? It's crazy, but for the first time in my life, I do not fill out the bust! lol!

Everything else has been pretty normal. We are settled in the new place, and it feels like home. I want to get some new curtains for the living room, but that will have to wait a while. We've been going to therapy, and talking about nothing really. All has been quiet from the other side, which has been a blessing, but it makes for boring therapy sessions.

I'll be back soon. Hopefully :P

My Happy Place

Wow. It's been a while, and a lot has happened. If you read this blog because you know me from my other ones, this will be old news. But I'm going to share anyway :)

We moved. We didn't quite make it to March. We left the apartment in the middle of February, and I am so happy. The new place is great! It's a cute little double wide trailer, set up in a pretty upscale park. I hate the term "trailer park", because I always think rednecks and run down yards, old cars and lots of public intoxication. Where we are living, the are rules about stuff like that. In fact, there are rules about everything, and I love it. We don't have a very big yard, but the kids have lots of roads to ride their bikes on, and there are tons of kids in here, too. In fact, Brandi has already made a little friend, and they have been spending a lot of time together. This little girl wanders the park on her own, but I make Ryan or Kasi go with Brandi where ever she goes. I have also been walking a little bit, and boy is it hilly. My legs let me know real quick that I am not in the best of shape. Which means I need to be doing it a lot more.

It's a three bedroom house...yay...so I actually have my own bedroom. Of course, Brandi still sleeps with me, and probably will until she goes off to college. Because of his bi-pap machine, Junior sleeps by himself. Ryan and Kasi are happy with their rooms, which are bigger than what they had at the apartment. We have two full bathrooms, which is awesome. My bathroom has a huge garden tub with separate shower. The funny thing is, I have been looking forward to taking a bath for the past 18 months, but I have only been in the tub a couple of times. The kids are enjoying it, though.

Let's see...I am down 45 pounds. I know! Go me! I just hope that I can continue to lose. I went food shopping the other day for the month, and I bought a lot of healthy stuff. I have also started enforcing portion control, which the kids hate. Instead of second servings at supper time, I make them wait a while, and then have a healthy snack. I am hoping this will become the norm, instead of torture for them. And for me.

I guess that's enough for now. I will try to post here more often, but I say that all the time, and never follow through. So, how about I promise to not let a month and a half go by between now and then. Deal?

This Sucks

I am having a hard time these days updating my blogs. The paid offers are slow coming in this month, and I have no desire to write about what little is going on around here. I am still packing, with the hopes of moving before the first of March. We were hoping for the first of February, but I just learned that my tax papers from Izea won't get to us until at least the middle of February, maybe later.

This sucks.

Right now I am listening to the water collect in the twenty or so buckets scattered around this apartment because it rained really hard last night. The sun is out now, but my ceilings will continue to leak until at least tomorrow.

Again, this sucks.

It doesn't help that my back is stiff this morning, my tooth has been bothering me again, and it's also the time when I hate being a girl. I have not been in a very good mood the past couple of days, and...

...it sucks!

I think I am going to go curl up in bed and watch a movie or something...

Goodbye, And Then Hello

Yesterday we said goodbye to Cindy, our therapist. Her six months with us were up, so she turned us over to Elizabeth. She has been sitting in on our last three sessions, and she seems nice enough. Very young, but that's okay. Kelsey was young, and we loved her.

It's been nice that we haven't had much to talk about...things have been pretty quiet around here. It's weeks like this that the therapists try and get Junior to talk about his past, and most of the time he will shut down. Yesterday, he talked a little about it, and I think this is the direction we will be going with Elizabeth.

It will be interesting to see how it goes...

***************************************************

We went today and sorta did our taxes. They are all filled out, but can not be filed until I get my tax paper from Izea. I am hoping it won't be too much longer. I was pleasantly surprised with the amount we are getting back. This is the first year in a while that I have had an income, and I didn't pay any taxes on it through the year, so I knew I would have to pay now. It didn't really make a difference, though, because we still qualified for earned income credit and some other kid tax.

I am just happy that it is enough for us to pay those we owe money too, move, and get Ryan and I laptops. And, if I save the receipt for the laptop, I can claim it as a deduction next year. In fact, the lady who prepared our taxes deducted my yearly cost of internet because I use it to work.

Pretty cool, right?

***************************************************

I am still holding steady at 42 pounds down. I have been eating poorly lately, so I am not surprised that I am not losing. I have already warned the entire family that once we get settled into the new place, we are all going on a diet.

Every. Single. One. Of. Us.

Wish me luck! lol!